I just left my parents house. Apparently the lesson this week was the Law of Chasity. Everyone talked about it a little. My dad was telling stories from the lesson. I wanted to run away and hide.
Now that I'm home - I can think a little more clearly, and this is what I wish I would have said:
When you talk about chastity and sex like this, I feel dirty. I feel like I'm disgusting. I want to hide, because I am worthless. Like a crushed flower or a piece of chewed gum. My body hurts. My chest feels tight. I want to scream or cry.
Do you realize what it's like to hear about the importance of no sex when I had "sex" when I was only five? My body responded the way the body is supposed to respond to sex. I blamed me. I felt gross and disgusting, and combine that with all of the teachings on chastity, and I just feel intense hatred for myself and my body.
I understand that my experience isn't everyone's, and it is still my experience.
I didn't say anything. I sat there and withdrew into the back of my head. Now, I'm sad, suffering a bit. Feeling broken. I never even understood what they were saying or talking about in church. I didn't get it. I was weird and broken. When others spoke of sex, I knew only abuse.
I'm not sure what else to do now other than to curl up in a blanket and cry.
That is what I will be doing now.