Friday, November 11, 2011

Asexual Awareness Week

I'm not tied to the label asexual. However, I am very much tied to the idea that every single one of us has the right to define who we are, who we want to be, how we want each of our relationships to look like. I don't believe I have the right to tell another adult how to live their lives, and I also believe no one else has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I haven't found another label that fits better than asexual as a sexual orientation.
Sexual Orientation isn't about what you do, it's about what you want. Gay men get married to women and have sex, but that doesn't change their orientation... ummm... unless it does... unless they start WANTING to have sex with women. I don't know if that ever happens. It probably does... to some... whatever.

Last week was Asexual Awareness Week. I didn't know. If I had, I would have written about it last week. I just read this blog post today, and it made me cry. It felt so validating. I felt understood. Not alone.

Asexual does NOT equal broken. It doesn't mean I'm disordered, crazy, or that I need to "fix" anything about myself. It means I don't want to have sex. And the only reason me not wanting to have sex is a problem is if someone else wants me to have sex with them... and if someone else wants me to have sex EVEN WHEN I DON'T, that's a problem. (ok... they can want it all day long... it's when they expect me to do something about their wanting it that would be a problem.)

I really appreciated this quote:
“It’s long past time to redefine intimacy,” Brooks argues. “The word ‘intimacy’ conjures up a candle-lit room and a steamy sex scene, but I believe this definition limits greatly our intimate capacity as humans. In fact, I reject entirely the idea that intimacy should be synonymous with sex. Intimacy is tied to a much deeper set of emotions that guide every part of our lives. Intimacy feeds our humanity by connecting us with the people around us. It is the foundation for empathy, compassion, and love. Sex is one way of expressing intimacy — but intimacy should not be summed up as sex and sexual acts.”
Anyway, just check it out?? You might learn something you never knew you wanted to know.


  1. This is a great bit of information. Thank you for sharing this as I actually find solace in this for myself.

    I read it and learned something more for me as well; I didn't feel so alone.

    This is goodness. THANK YOU.

    PS. A while back (long time ago) I sent you an email via your contact information from Blogger. I don't know if you ever received it. (Yo Spam!) Regardless; I hope this : YOU HAVE OFFERED ME an energy that I value very much. I find a "kinship" with you in so many ways [but don't want to scare you by that]. If you ever feel an inclination to contact me please feel free to do so. I would welcome it with an openness free of any kind judgment.

    PPS. I hope the above isn't too odd in any way; and if it is; my apologies.

    PPPS. Thank you again for this post. It is refreshing and then some.

  2. Welcome to the Ace community!! Have some cake :)

  3. Exactly; you not wanting sex is only a problem if it bothers you. I'm glad you're comfortable saying who you are and not being sorry for it. Good for you!

  4. I love that quote! It is so true and the truth about American society that it speaks about drives me crazy. There is an obsession with sex in our society and it drives me crazy. Especially when there are so many ways to develop intimate relationships.

    As always sis, you're so incredible and I'm glad of everything you're learning, accepting, and loving about yourself.

  5. Sensory - Thank you! That's exactly what I felt, less alone.

    DJ - why thank you. I don't like cake though, how bout some ice cream?? (By the way, I've been reading some of your asexual blog, and I love it!)

    Macha - Thanks!

    Jus - It's been a strange journey for me - because on the one hand I think it is okay to express sexuality. Sexuality seems to be a huge part of our individual identity. It's one of the things that has made my journey so difficult... Some of the most basic questions people ask: Married? Single? Straight? Gay? and to feel like I don't "fit" anywhere has been difficult...

    Even within the church where we're taught that sex (in the wrong context) is one of the worst sins - sex is still SO important... Pretty central to a lot of doctrine really... and it's been confusing. It feels good to sort it all out. :)

    And thank you, right back at you!!

  6. I stumbled upon this site while Googling about asexuality. THANK YOU! I am not broken or in need of repair. I have more time to pursue other life goals. The quote (about intimacy not being equal to sex) completely helped me. Now I know why I get crushes on girls yet could never imagine doing anything with them. It's all about a person's character and hugs, not sex. Thanks for a great website. :)

    1. I'm so glad you found me! And thank you for letting me know I helped a little. It feels really REALLY good to know. You're definitely NOT broken, and you don't need to be repaired or fixed or changed. :)