Monday, November 14, 2011
No such thing as worthy
A few weeks ago, I was struggling. I talked to my amazing friend, Jen. We went through some visualization, and the picture that kept looming before me was the temple. I was frustrated. I kept trying to figure out why I would feel like I needed that in my life, but I also hate it. I was miserable there. I made life miserable for everyone else whenever I had to go there. (And by "had to" I mean I forced myself to go.)
With her help, I found the word, "worthy". The temples means I am worthy. I am worth it.
When I was 17, and only barely alive, my mom had a dream. She saw me in the temple in a wedding dress, and she knew everything was going to be okay. When I was 19, and getting married in the temple, she reminded me of her dream. She was so happy that I had finally "made it".
Before I got married, I knew that's what people around me felt. I KNEW that if I just made it to the temple, all of their heartache, their money, their time, their prayers would be worth it. *I* would be worth it.
Jen said something perfect: "It sounds to me like all of those old beliefs are DESPERATE for you to let go of them, so why are you still holding on so tightly?"
Well, fuck. I don't know.
Because I wanted to be worth it. I wanted to be loved. Being in a place I love. In the relationships I love. Feeling happy and fulfilled and GOOD, those things just aren't "good enough" if I'm not worthy.
Since that conversation, and even IN that conversation, I let go of that old belief. I am not worthy, because I go to the temple. I am worthy, because I am me. I am not worthy because I am in a marriage, or because my life looks like it "should" to anyone else... I am good. No because needed.
Back in my own truth, in the reality that there is no such thing as "worthy", I find the world to be a beautiful place. I see the perfection that is every friendship I have in my life. I see the perfection that is every situation in my life. I see the joy that is to be found in every second.
I was reminded of what it is like to live in the other world again yesterday.
I was talking to a friend. He REALLY wants to be married. He made the comment, "Why is it so hard? Why can't two people just say, 'I like you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.' I just want to move on with my life."
It sounded so familiar.
But not the way I live my life now.
Trying to find someone to "share the rest of my life with" is HARD. Trying to find a friend to talk to today; Who enjoys spending time together; Who loves me: That's easy. I have a lot of friendships like that. I have a lot of friendships that are absolutely perfect. But I wouldn't have even SEEN these amazing and perfect friendships back when I had only one goal:
If marriage is the only way to "move on with my life", then I can't appreciate the perfection that IS right now. I am feeling grateful for the things I've learned in the past few years. I'm feeling grateful that I no longer feel that pressure.
I feel grateful for all that is today.
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I'm still struggling mightily with this issue.ReplyDelete
I spent most of yesterday in bed b/c I'd done something stupid that made me "unworthy."
Glad you're learning to let go of that. Hoping I can, too.
" I see the joy that is to be found in every second."ReplyDelete
That right there is the beauty and power of being present. Present for YOU, present for what you believe and want and truly eventually know.
What a powerful space to be.
It isn't necessarily easy because it is not the "norm" that you were taught to believe as your own. However; when one comes to a space where they realize their truths, I truly feel this is where we all (and one) can come to a space of acceptance.
It is a shame that we are "taught" to believe worthiness comes from x, y and z. However, I myself am learning that that "worthiness" is simply about self acceptance. (That a "feat" in it of itself.)
Keep doing FOR YOU Jen. It is your right and even if you've been "told" or "believed" otherwise; there are plenty of ways to let go of the idea you have to be because of what you've been told.
Very much appreciate your insight.
Always thankful that you share.
Cheers and hope that you find a great deal of peace and ease now and to come.
Daniel, I hate that you are still struggling. I'm hoping you can let go of it soon... And until you do, it's okay to spend some time in bed.ReplyDelete
N - Thank you. It IS a shame, and thank you also for your continued reminders... Sometimes I write about things that are so new, and I easily forget them. Then I read comments and posts from others reminding me of what I just barely figured out. (Not sure if that makes sense...)
This is just so true for me I want to cry. Thank you.ReplyDelete
cool thoughts. thanks!ReplyDelete