It's all true. #reallife #PTSDrecovery #endometriosis #depression

Yesterday, I went fishing. I posted a picture on Facebook of a beautiful cutthroat trout I caught. The picture shows his impressive coloring and length. The picture doesn't show much of my face, because despite the fact that I had just caught a 26" cut throat trout in a small lake in some of the most beautiful country there is, I had just  been fighting back tears, because I was tired and discouraged and depressed.




We had hiked a mile in to the lake, and it took everything I had to keep trudging up and down the hill. I'd cried before we left, because I felt discouraged that I wasn't excited for this great day of enjoying the beautiful outdoors. All I really wanted to do was go back to bed.

I wanted to enjoy fishing, but I was in pain, and that pain has me so discouraged and depressed. It's hard to enjoy fishing or hiking when it feels like I have a hot poker stabbing my bladder, which causes weird cramping to radiate down my legs, up my back and stomach, and I generally feel unwell and tired.

A few weeks before that, I posted a picture of myself on Sunny. I rode him around our two acre pasture for less than twenty minutes, and then had to get off because I was in enough pain that I was near tears and it wasn't fun... and this is my horse, and I love this horse, but it wasn't fun riding him. I only got twenty minutes in and my body decided that was enough. Again - hot poker stabbing my bladder which is extra triggered by sitting in a saddle (or on any hard surface). The muscles get tight and then I'm sore all over.

This week my blood pressure has randomly decided to drop to unhealthy lows. It could be medications I am on. It could just be chronic pain (it turns out that does funny things to the brain and the body). It could be something else completely unrelated, but it means I have spent a lot of time laying down because I feel shitty.

I also work at a job where I can do some of what I need to do while laying down on my couch (as long as I can focus on a computer screen, which wasn't possible every day last week). When I can't work, I have a great partner who takes over and does both of our jobs - and he's had to do that a lot over the last seven months. I'm so lucky. I don't know what I would do if I just had to show up for work anyway - I have worked when I was sick. I remember what it was like to lay on the bathroom floor, dry heaving and vomiting, and then trying to go back to my desk as if I was fine. This new lifestyle is much better.

I had pretty major surgery seven months ago - it turns out that can take a long time to recover from. I have the money and the time to go to doctors, specialists, physical therapists, more doctors, and psychotherapists to help me get through all of this. I also have an amazing partner who says he'd bring me flowers if he thought I'd appreciate them. (He bought me a new fly line. As soon as I'm excited to fish again, that's be way better than flowers.) I am so lucky. I'm in debt now - which I wasn't at the beginning of the year, but I paid cash for the first couple thousand dollars. I have insurance which thus far (just this year) has covered $49,000 worth of hospital/doctor bills. I have no idea what I would have done without insurance and money.

I have family who care. Todd's sister hasn't been real healthy either (cancer followed by Myesthenia Gravis, if you don't know what it is, feel free to look it up. I didn't know until she educated me. For her, it mostly causes her a lot of pain and fatigue.), so we had a movie day where we sat and ate popcorn and fell asleep to the movie Zootopia.

My dad has been dealing with chronic pain for way WAY too long, so he's been giving me advice and support. And the rest of the family doesn't know what to do, but I feel supported, so that's good.

I am regularly using Valium suppositories - which aren't supposed to be absorbed into the blood stream - they're just supposed to be absorbed into the pelvic floor muscles to help relax them. I feel embarrassed to talk about taking this medication - as if I should be ashamed of it. I feel both glad it helps and a little upset that it seems to be causing me other issues: like dizziness and low blood pressure and possibly depressive symptoms.

I spend two hours a week with a physical therapist's hand in my vagina. She's stretching muscles, breaking up scar tissue, trying to get my bladder and bowels and everything to move around like it's supposed to. It hurts like hell - it is also super triggering. I no longer cry or freak out, but I also feel like that doesn't necessarily mean I'm okay with it all. It's a constant reminder of what I've been through. I can't escape the pain or the memories, because they are always there. Which sucks. While PTSD has not taken over my life now like it once did, it is now a constant companion again. I hate that. It makes me sad and angry, and afraid. My present life is good, and yet I can't get away from the life that I only barely survived once. I never EVER wanted to say that PTSD was something I had to deal with again, but I am.

I'm having nightmares a lot. I wake up crying - afraid that the life I have built with Todd has somehow been taken away and I am back with Larry trying to make things work - or trying to survive the hell that marriage to him was, but in my nightmares, now I remember what it's like to have a supportive partner and a home I love and my dog and cat and horses, and I wake up sobbing because I feel so sad for the girl that survived because she didn't know there was anything better.

I have a great therapist, and we spend a lot of time sitting in her office while I cry and she tells me that she is sad for what I've been through. A few months ago, she sent me this meme:

"I am strong, but I am tired."
My therapist's way of validating all of the work I have done and am doing, while also validating that it's okay to be tired too.

I had to have bowels, rectum, colon, and a bunch of other internal structures completely reconstructed because the endometriosis lesions and adhesion's had damaged so much of my body. I had at least nine doctors dismiss my pain because it was just caused by sexual abuse. If it weren't for all of the abuse I had endured, maybe someone would have caught the endometriosis years earlier, and the surgery would have been much less invasive. (And recovery much easier.) I'm angry at the men that abused me. I'm angry at the doctors that dismissed me. I'm angry at the system that failed me. For now, that anger motivates me to get up and go to the next appointment, try the next medication, try the next supplement, do the next exercise (physical as well as therapeutic), or whatever else I need to try to make my life what I want it to be. Sometimes my anger also motivates me to swear and throw things, but nothing breakable - at least not yet.

I'm discouraged. I'd thought I'd feel better by now. I thought surgery would have healed most of it, and five months of physical therapy would have healed the rest. I didn't plan on the extra trips back to the doctor or to the specialists or the kidney stones. I thought this summer would be a lot more fun, but it's been a lot of trying really hard to enjoy things I used to enjoy, but really just wanting to take a nap.

Last week, I tried what the doctor thought would be a for sure fix - steroids and numbing injections directly into the vaginal wall (where it meets the bladder wall). It numbed things for about four hours, except it felt like I was being stabbed with a needle when I peed. (Luckily that went away at about the same time the numbing went away, so... I don't know what all of that means.)

I'm depressed. I know what depression feels like - it could be a menopausal symptom. I did have my uterus, cervix, both tubes, and an ovary removed. I imagine that can mess with hormones enough to make me depressed. I also imagine everything I'm going through physically and mentally could make me depressed too. Whatever is causing it, I have it. Which also means I now have to be very aware that I don't have an appetite and I have to eat anyway. (For some people depression makes them eat more. I am not one of those people.)

I'm also fascinated. I know a lot about my body and medications and side effects and doses that I did not know last year. Science and nature are all very fascinating, and the art of treating people like me is amazing.

On Facebook, I spend most of my time posting about my dog. (Did I tell you about our foster dog?) Or my cat. Or the horses. Or the flowers blooming in the yard. Or my niece and nephew or Todd's grandkids. Or fishing. I love all of those things, and I want to share those things.

Me with my niece and nephew.
They're both a lot bigger now -
this was taken at Christmas time.

 

Grandpa Todd with me and the newest grandson.
(There will be another new grandson in a few more weeks.)

Our foster dog - which we plan to adopt as soon as they let us.
Also, my cat, who hasn't decided how she feels about the dog yet.

Grandpa and I with the newest new grandson at the time. He only got to be the youngest for about three weeks.

There's not pictures where I'm not smiling,
because camera! And I guess I really do prefer
sugar coating things and making them look
happy, but here's to real life.
And sometimes life hurts.

 I also feel tired. I'm in pain. And I'm so very very tired. I don't want to be a drain, and I also want to be honest. I don't like pretending everything is wonderful when it isn't. I'd rather be real.

I have heard one can't feel contradicting emotions at the same time. That is false. I am happy and sad. I am grateful and grumpy. I am so angry and hurt, and I have compassion for those I'm angry at. I am hopeful and afraid. I am discouraged and have faith. I'm in pain and I still rode the horse and caught a beautiful fish. Really - I don't think it gets more real life than that.

So, here's to not sugar coating life, and just showing how it is. It's beautiful and painful and worth living.

I bought a house, and all of the other new stuff in my life.

I used to use writing on this blog to process things, but I haven't done that for a while. Mostly, because there are a million things I would rather do than try to process some of my thoughts.

I'd rather go fishing.

Beautiful fish - I caught this one in Wyoming on the Salt Creek

 Or riding.

Sunny and I. I like to ride him bareback, but I forgot about that for a while. (I'm glad I remember again.)

Or go to work.

Our booth at a tradeshow in Austin, Texas.

Or visit with old friends I haven't seen in SEVEN years.

Awfully nice that we could have a tradeshow in Austin, when Amanda lives just two hours away from there.

I'd rather do yard work or organize my new house - did I tell you we bought a house? It's a log cabin in the mountains with property surrounding us for our three horses.

My house in the mountains.

We have three horses now.

Three horses. Sunny, Bo, Tii

Did I tell you we adopted a wild mustang? He was born in the wild, rounded up with his mother when he was about six months, and we adopted him when he was about a year and a half. He is now two, and we are working with him to be able to ride him when he's four or five.

Tii, the "wild" horse that likes to eat hats and cell phones.

I'd rather spend time with Todd's grandkids, because they are adorable, and a ton of fun to be with.

They are a year apart, and still about the same size.

Hiking with two of the six. We spend a lot of time with these two since they are close to us.

 Or with my new nephew. Did I tell you I have a new nephew? He's also adorable, and I love him.

This kid is already super spoiled, and he's barely three months old.

Oh look - my hair is short. I cut ten inches of it off a few months ago. Side note: Do you know why it took so long for me to cut it. I had an ex-husband tell me I was too fat to have short hair, and I believed him (somewhere deep down where I didn't really think about it), so I felt like I had to keep ti longer. Faced that fear, and now it's short.

My hair: ten inches shorter than when I woke up that day.

Or play in the orchestra - Did I tell you I joined a new orchestra? At our first concert, we had five violin players (total). We've grown a little: We are up to ten violin players when everyone shows up. (Plus three violas, two cellos, and a bass, AND two flute players.)

Paradise Valley Orchestra - our first concert.

I've been a part of this symphony for five years now. I really love it.

Life is good, so when things come up, I think about writing, but I have enough other things to keep me distracted. I keep being distracted.

So now you have the update of the fun stuff... stay tuned for some processing in my next entry. (Unless of course I get too distracted and never write it.)

#secretfavoritefishingspot - Just what I needed

A few weeks ago, I wrote about helping with BJ's parents care. We all felt a little helpless about what to do. They need help, but they live far away. It takes a lot of time to care for them. They need it. Care costs money. (Whether it's us doing it, or we hire someone, and we were all feeling drained of resources.)

Good news. We found a couple sisters who live in the same (very small) town that BJ's parents live in. For a small wage - they will come in and take care of the things BJ's parents need. Since they are close, they can come in for an hour in the morning, leave, then come in for an hour each in the afternoon and evening. They also are willing to be "on call" and come in to help if there is an emergency.

The three siblings will still come in for a couple of a days a week, but that means that no one has to stay at the house and a few days a month is much better to manage than a few days a week.

So... all of that... just to say.... we didn't have to cancel our camping trip!
We have a secret favorite fishing spot that we love. For the past two years, we have gone camping at least once every summer. The season to get in is really short. (There is still snow there in July, and we got closed out in October last year.)

We also invited my sister and her husband to come up for a couple of days as well.

I was SO looking forward to the trip and feeling really depressed that it might not work out.
(How do you say, "I'm sorry. I can't help out so you can go to your son's wrestling tournaments and you can go to your one year cancer follow up appointment, because I need to go camping and fishing."? Also... by the way... BJ's sister one year cancer follow up gave her the ALL CLEAR. A year and a half ago she was making plans to just live out the rest of her short life as best she could. Modern medicine is amazing.)

Camping.

Setting up Camp

We got there Sunday. Set up camp.

Fished. Ate dinner. Fished.

Drove down the canyon to find my sister and her husband. Helped them set up camp. Slept. Woke up. Ate. Fished. Hiked. Fished. Mellen (my sister) caught her first fish ever! And even on a fly rod! Hiked. Ate. Fished. Hung out. Ate. Fished. Elliot (BIL) made dinner and he did a great job. They went home the next morning, and BJ and I spent the next day fishing.

Mellen and Elliot setting up their tent at 11 pm.

We hiked in to a smaller lake (about a mile in). BJ taught Mel and Elliot to fish a little bit.

She caught her first fish!

Playing in the lake with the dogs.

We wore Sadie (the dog) out. She was very ready to go home.

The four of us at the end of the trip.

Hot shower while camping. Brilliant.

I took a hot shower - in the heated shower that BJ had given me. (It was a birthday present in February, but this is the first time I've used it. EXCELLENT!)

We spent some time just hanging out and relaxing.

Once the dogs left, the chipmunks were out (stealing our food).

I wore out my magic fly. 100 fish (on the same fly) would do that.

We fished until well after dark. We both caught a lot of fish. (I was trying to keep track, but I kept losing count. I do know that from the time I said, "I can't hold it anymore. I'm going in to pee." until when I actually got off the lake to go pee, I caught sixteen fish. (That was thirty minutes max.)

The fish aren't big, but they are fun and beautiful. And a variety of trout.
Brook. Tiger. Rainbow. Cut Throat. Cut Bow

It was wonderful.

With all of the worries about work and BJ's parents and my family and his kids and life... I have felt pulled in many directions for the past few months. While camping, I was very present. The farthest my mind would wander was from the lake to the outhouse - 500 ft away.

It was just what I needed.

This weekend, we are back with BJ's parents, and then any day - BJ should be a grandpa again. His daughter is expecting her third child: a baby boy.

Next trip planned is to Yellowstone. My brother is in three plays there, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him.

Fishing Part II: The adventure

I just got back from a week long camping/fishing excursion with BJ, Brad, and Ben. I wrote about my desire to go, and the excitement of going last month.

Unfortunately, I was silly and didn't check the batteries in my camera so the only camera I had was my cell phone - and I didn't have a charger for that, so I turned it off most of the trip. Which (bummer!) means I don't have very many pictures.


We had a special guest on our flight to Seattle. In 1969, a pilot was declared MIA. Last year his remains were found in Laos, and they were sending his remains back to his family.
There was a water cannon salute as we landed in Seattle. (Fire hoses spraying over the top of the plane. I'm glad I knew beforehand what was going to happen - otherwise the firetrucks, police cars, and water spraying at the plane would have been unnerving.)
We stayed in our seats while the Air Force officers got off the plane and then accompanied the body out to the waiting family. I can only imagine how it must have felt to get that phone call. "Your son (husband, brother, dad, friend) has been missing for 45 years, but we found him. We can tell you a little bit about what happened to him."

The fire cannon salute followed by the firemen and other officers saluting as the hearse came to pick up the soldier's remains.

We got off the plane, got on a train, and rode into downtown Seattle. We met Brad at the train station. We walked through downtown Seattle, carrying our fly rods, on May Day. (Apparently May Day is a big deal and there have been riots in Seattle there every year for a long time. We found out when we got back that the police presence seemed to quell the desire to riot enough that nothing happened this year.)

We met Ben at his office, jumped in his truck and drove to "The Ford".
It was a rather bleak looking place at first. Dry, sagebrush and rock covered ground. The campsite was a parking lot with an outhouse. Just over the hill was a huge spring fed stream with BIG rainbow trout in it.

Besides the fish, I saw a rattle snake (coiled and rattling at me - about two feet from my leg. And I stood there trying to turn my phone on in the hopes that I could get his picture. He turned and slithered away before it came on... Dangit.)
Muskrat. They're funny little critters.
Turtles. Swimming in the water. I thought they were rocks at first, but they were swimming. Then one came to the surface about five feet away from me.
Frogs, Toads, Bullfrogs. Mostly I heard these more than saw them.
Pelicans - both brown and white ones.
Many other birds, bugs, and small critters.

We fished for about four hours that night. I might have gotten a couple hits. (Fish nibbling on the fly), but I didn't see them. Everyone else kept fishing long after the sun had gone down, but I don't know how. I couldn't see a dang thing!

Sunset was spectacular. Brad's "super tent" is in the corner.

We camped for two days, and spent the time fishing, talking, eating, laughing, and just being. Both Ben and Brad are smart funny. It has been a long time since I have laughed that hard for that long.

In the two days at the Ford, BJ caught one. I caught one. Brad caught four. Ben caught two. Brad and Ben are used to the fishing having much more catching involved. Lucky for me, there are lots of things I enjoy about fishing, catching is only one of them.

We also did a guided float trip down the Yakima River. (Two people per raft, two rafts, two guides. The guides do all the work: rowing, tying flies on, keeping line straight, and telling us where to put our flies in the water.) BJ out fished everyone by a lot, but everybody caught some, and it was a great day.

The four of us on our lunch break. (For the record, Ben reminds me of David Spade. They look a little bit similar, but the way he tells stories... if he wasn't a brilliant engineer, he could totally be a comedian.)

The scenery was beautiful. The company was great. We switched around boats, so part of the time Ben and I were in a boat together, part of the time BJ and I were together, and for a very short time Brad and I were in a boat together. I loved that BJ and I weren't expected to be together the whole time. I liked being able to just go wherever and do whatever.

BJ had caught six or seven before this one, but this is the first one I saw him land.

This was a screenshot of a video I was taking. I LOVE this face... and the bend in his rod, and you can see the strike indicator hovering above the river. Unfortunately, the fish got off. (The guide couldn't find a place to pull over and accidentally put BJ into a tree...)

 After the trip, we went to "Praise the Lard" which is what Ben and Brad call their favorite restaurant. (I think it's real name is Cottage Cafe.) The hash browns are to die for. The french toast and strawberry jam were pretty darn good too.

We had planned on camping one more night, but we ended up going back to Brad's house and staying there instead. That gave us a chance to visit with Brad's wife.

After an amazing breakfast cooked by Brad, we went to the MOHAI (Museum of History and Industry) in Seattle. The museum has several exhibits, and we saw only a few of them.

We spent most of our time in the Timeline: a history of people in Seattle, which is really the history of people in the US. I love history. I read a lot of books about history, and it was cool to see all of the "stuff" they had displayed: old diaries and journals, games and toys, propaganda pictures, (a copy of) the treaty of 1855 between several of the Native tribes and the US Government, etc.

There was a Revealing Queer exhibit... which left much to be desired. I know you can't put everything in to a small exhibit, but they left out a lot. (If you're going to define Queer as anyone that doesn't fit normal sexual identity, you should probably mention (at least) pansexual, asexual, etc... but the pictures were cool, and it was interesting to see the timeline of change.)

My favorite part of the exhibit was a wooden plaque where they asked people to use post-it notes to share the issues they are dealing with. They had another one that asked people to use a word to describe their identity, but that one was less powerful for me.

After the museum, Brad dropped us off at the airport, and we flew home.

Walking through the airport with fly rods is a different experience. People stop and talk to you about fishing - even people who don't fish asked us about where we were going, what we were fishing for, and that somehow went into conversations about work or family or horses.

Sitting in the Seattle Airport - the end of another grand adventure.

It feels good to be home and to be back to work, AND I can't wait for our next adventure: Camping in Moab with BJ's sister and her husband. And then we are going to Yellowstone to see my brother in plays (and to fish and explore of course). And we're going fishing, camping, hiking, riding, all over the place this summer. AND BJ's daughter is expecting a baby boy, so BJ will have another grandson (his third). And... probably a whole bunch of other things I have forgotten.

Fishing with the guys. Part I. To feel included

I just got back from a week long camping/fishing excursion with BJ, Brad, and Ben. I wrote about my desire to go, and the excitement of going last month.

I was going to tell you all about the fishing and the grand adventure, but I'm going to start with the therapeutic part of the trip.

Our first night, we set up camp and then went fishing. We were on the river until 9, then Brad made dinner, and we (eventually) went to bed. We'd arranged the cots so that BJ was next to me and between me and Ben and Brad. I was in the corner, because that's where I felt safest.

Everyone else went to sleep. I did not. I heard them breathing deeply, snoring slightly. I heard them all get up to pee. I listened to the frogs. I listened to the other critters scampering around the campsite. About the time the frogs stopped and the birds started, I fell asleep. About an hour after that, the sun came up. I stayed and tried to sleep a bit longer, but it didn't work out as well as I would have liked...

We spent all day fishing, and the next night tried sleeping again with no luck.
(I wasn't sleeping, because every time one of them moved or breathed, my entire body would tense up. Every time I started to fall asleep, my brain would say, "WE'RE NOT SAFE! WAKE UP!" and I would be wide awake again.)

We got up and spent the morning fishing, but the sun was intense, and I was tired. I tried to rest, but the hyper-vigilance that kept me up at night wouldn't let me rest during the day either.

Something else started going screwy with my brain too. I was sure they didn't want me there. I was taking all the good fishing spots, and I was in the way. I'm aware that lack of sleep makes me emotionally vulnerable, but it is REALLY hard to enjoy fishing when you believe you don't deserve to be on the water, taking up space, and nobody wants you. I was doing everything I could to fight the crazy thoughts, but I was losing.

In the tentative plans for the trip, we had talked about going to a play in town that evening, and maybe staying in a hotel that night. None of us were super excited about going to the play. (There were fish down there, and no one had caught enough yet!) BJ suggested we still break camp and go into town to get a hotel room.  His reason being that he wanted me to get sleep before the next day of adventures.


I was uncomfortable. I had made grand plans to take care of myself, but when it came right down to it... I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I didn't want to talk about me. I didn't want them to do things for me or to help me.

We sat and talked for forty-five minutes. There was only one room available at the only hotel in town. While I think being in a bed would have helped - being in a bed in a room with two men seemed to be causing as much anxiety as being in the tent.  Ben and Brad were trying to be helpful to me, but I wasn't expressing myself well... I told them that I wasn't comfortable with all of the sounds, and although I knew I was safe, I was having a hard time feeling safe around them because they were men, but I didn't want them to feel bad...


Finally, BJ just said, "Jen was violently raped in her sleep. She has a hard time feeling safe when she's starting to fall asleep because it takes her right back to what happened back then."

Instantly... they said, "You guys will go into town and sleep in the hotel. We'll stay here and camp. We'll come pick you up in the morning. No big deal."

I cried. Brad gave me a hug and apologized for not being more sensitive. I tried to explain to him that wasn't what I was feeling. They were all great, but I didn't want to even be worrying about it. I felt like a failure that I wasn't sticking it out. I wasn't strong enough, and I couldn't handle camping. I also felt sad, because I was enjoying being there... and it sucks that something that happened fifteen years ago is still fucking with my life.

We got back to fishing. I finally caught one fish. Brad thanked me for taking care of myself. Ben said he was sorry that I had ever been through such fucky shit. (And I got to use my favorite joke, "Or just really shitty fucking.") He laughed, and then said he felt bad for laughing. We ate dinner after dark, and cleaned up what we could before we left Brad to do the dishes and Ben drove us into town.

I took a shower, and I slept.

They came and picked us up and we went fishing. Nobody treated me with kid gloves. They didn't treat me any different at all. I still felt like I belonged, and I was part of the group. I REALLY appreciated that Ben was already planning next year's adventure, and maybe the year after that. 

As we said goodbye, Ben gave me a hug and told me he was really glad I had come... and that he was looking forward to our next grand adventure. Brad said he was really glad I was there, and we'd get together again soon.

I cried again. I had honestly thought they wouldn't want me to come back, because it was such a burden to have to deal with me and all my problems.

The four of us on the Yakima River.

It was really nice to spend time with guys that were just nice, normal guys. And to feel included, even though I'm a girl. Even though I have issues. Even though I was once raped, and I still have to deal with side effects of that. Words just can't quite describe how loved I feel, and how much safer the world feels today.

A waterpark in January! (This is my kind of work.)

We took a business trip to Phoenix last week. Phoenix, AZ - and 70 degree weather. So, we decided to take a few extra days traveling, and we had a lot of fun.

We went hiking and fishing on the way down. Then we got to the hotel, set up our booth, played in the water park, went shopping, read (sitting by the pool in the sunshine). That evening we had a "social" for everyone at the trade show.

There was excellent food, a hot air balloon ride, a beer-toting-donkey, "old west" pictures, s'mores, a huge telescope (we looked at Jupiter and got a very short astronomy lesson), Native American dancers and drummers, donuts, and sitting around the campfire.

The trade show went great for us. I couldn't have written orders any faster - more than thirty new accounts in five hours. BJ's son came to help just as everything was slowing down, then we went out to dinner with BJ's son, daughter-in-law, and adorable 1 year old granddaughter. (They moved to AZ just recently.)

We drove on the Carefree Hwy, through NOTHING, visited the Hoover Dam and Lake Meade, visited BJ's sister, and finally had lunch with my brother before getting all the way home.

I could get used to playing in water parks and taking hot air balloon rides as part of my work.
(And now a photodump.)

It turns out, my camera has a function that I can do remote viewing with my iPhone. I took this picture - the camera was just sitting on a rock, I posed it, focused it, and TA DA!

Nat was an awesome guide. I didn't notice this in the moment, but BJ pointed out that Nat spent more time guiding me than she did him. She put me on all the fish first, and him second. I have been out with guides many times with BJ... usually, it's just the opposite. They all put BJ on the fish first and make sure he catches the most fish, and I am an after thought. Although I feel like I should feel bad, I loved the time she took to teach me and help me.

FLOWERS! In January. I needed that.

Sun. Books. I needed that too.

 Hot air balloon ride. It was cool looking over the Scotsdale Valley.

S'mores!

A quick selfie of us all before we got back on the road. (My brother just moved to Southern Utah to go to school. SUPER excited for the experience he is getting there, and I miss him. A lot.)

Even the bathrooms are beautiful in a place like this.

Us. On the river. With our boat. And huge red cliffs behind us. (This is one of my favorite places. I love it here.)

These are the only fish pictures we took. My last fish of the day.

BJ's last fish of the day.

 

Macro lens = extra awesome fish picture.

A waterpark in January. (Just enjoying the lazy river.)