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Saturday, July 7, 2012

There has to be a better definition of 'okay'

My mom had surgery last week. She spent a few days in the hospital. BJ went with me to visit her.
As we left, he had a good chuckle. He says I am just like my mom. Or my mom is just like me.

This is how the conversation went:

Me: Are you in pain?What hurts?
Mom: Yeah, but I'm okay. (weak and unconvincing smile)
Me: You're in pain, that means you're not okay.
Mom: No. I'm okay. I'm not dead, and death is not imminent... so I'm okay.
(BJ burst out laughing at this point)
Me: There has to be a better definition of okay... (and then I realized WHY BJ was laughing, so I stopped talking for a second.) I want to know if you're in pain. I can SEE that you're not dead, but I care about you, so I want to know how you are doing... So, the proper response would be, "Hell yes, I am in pain! I just had my insides ripped out!"
Mom: Fine. I hurt. And I feel CRAPPY! Ok?

Ok. I get it. I just got schooled.

What I just said to my mom is exactly what other people have said to me. (Including BJ.)
I want my mom to talk more about what she's going through... maybe other people feel the same way towards me. (Okay. Not maybe. They've said they want more... I just had a hard time believing them.)


3 comments:

  1. I think okay is the answer that means for me: I am not really sure you care enough to hear me out, so I am okay.

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  2. I find myself doing that all the time - it is very hard to admit weaknesses sometimes. Especially to people that either look up to you (such as a mother to her daughter) or to people that are just acquaintances.

    After my accident, when everyone kept expecting me to be magically normal again, I really found myself pasting a fake smile on my face and saying that I was "OK". And I looked normal, although I was a quivering wreck and I was having lingering effects from the concussion. When I went in to tell the head of my department that I had to withdraw from grad school due to all of my anxiety, he looked at me and asked "What, are you brain-damaged?" He couldn't comprehend that the soul could get damaged from a traumatic event. That is one person that I will never be able to fully communicate with - when I see him again, I will probably have to just say I'm "OK" and change the subject!

    Sorry this is so rambling.

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  3. Sometimes it just means not great, not horrible, just okay. And sometimes its just the only answer that comes in to my head-especially when my guts have just been ripped out and then I've been drugged to make me feel even more miserable... love you, next time you will get a more definite answer, okay?

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