Friday, May 21, 2010

Sink or Swim, I'm jumping in.

I'm not quite sure how to describe what is happening... My life... is being guided by a perfect hand... I can't see it. It doesn't seem to fit what I always thought was "right" but... it is.

Two years ago, I told Paul I wasn't "strong enough to do this on my own". I didn't know what I meant. I knew Dann and I needed to separate so I could find me again. I knew our relationship was toxic to both of us. I thought I was talking about how I wasn't strong enough to leave him, because the eating disorder would take over. It might have... but that is not what I meant.

I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I felt was right. I wasn't strong enough to feel the anger that I needed to feel. I wasn't strong enough to force myself to separate. I wasn't strong enough to lay down any sort of boundaries. I wasn't strong enough to see what work needed to be done. I wasn't strong enough to tell Dann what was hurting me. I wasn't strong enough to see how much the crap from my past was effecting me.

I couldn't make good choices, because I didn't allow myself a choice. There were so many "have-to's". So, I went inpatient.

I was so blessed to have the protection of CFC to get me going. Then I had the protection of BJ to continue healing. Then I had the apartment and Bishop Campbell.

And finally, two years later, I have done enough work to get to the starting place...

Marty told BJ that the process of healing is the same process whether you choose to stay together or divorce. That makes so much sense. But I couldn't even begin this process until I found me... I'm closer than I have ever been.

I told Dann that I wanted to hang out today, but I wanted to be home before 8:00... I felt like I needed to limit the time I spent with him. That time was a bit arbitrary, but I picked it because it felt good enough.

Dann asked if that was flexible.

I felt violated. I felt so guilty for even proposing the boundary. I felt like he didn't listen to me. I felt... CRAZY! I understand that my reaction was a little overdone and dramatic. I am so not used to standing up for what I want. Even expressing it. That I honestly feel like I have done something horrible... His questions made it feel even worse, because I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable with my request. I found myself thinking I should make it up to him for even THINKING about wanting to go home before he wanted me to...

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought...

And, yet... I can do this. I wasn't strong enough two years ago. I am strong enough now.

I don't want to hear the "crazy voice" come from me ever again. (The one where I start saying things like, "If I am just nice enough." "Its ok. He didn't mean to hurt me." "I'll be stronger, and I'll learn how to just take it.")

I will do what it takes to change me.

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