Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Would you believe me if I said prayers are answered?

I'm not sure who this person is... The one that I am becoming... But sometimes she SCARES me.

Sunday dinner. I've been going every week since I moved out when I was eighteen. When I got married at nineteen, I brought the hubby along. When I got divorced, I went alone. When I started dating, I brought the boyfriend along until he was the hubby, and then we went together. There are certain things I say, and certain things I don't say. Only this week, I said the things that I don't say.

I'm questioning the church.
I got a text from a "dear friend" saying he was concerned about me, and asked me to please read Alma 30, as he thought there were parallels in my life. Silly me. I read it. And guess what? There were parallels.

It turns out I'm an anti-Christ. I believe more of what Korihor said than what Alma said.
I shared that with my parents.
Then I went on to tell them that I thought President Monson is a very arrogant man.
AND that trying to live this "gospel" is making me miserable.
I have had TWO bishops tell me that going to church isn't good for me. They told me to stop coming. I had a really hard time listening to them. I felt so guilty...
My dad asked if there was anything about meetings that is good.

"No. Well... sometimes I really like pointing out to people that what they are saying is really wrong... but I don't think that counts, does it?"

Who the hell is this person?

At that moment, food was ready, time to eat. Conversation over. There was more I would have liked to say, but I'm also really glad I didn't:
The two bishops that said, "Don't come," were really good for me. I was dying, and they showed they cared more about me than a stupid church. Unfortunately, Campbell got released and this new guy is just like all of the other stupid drones. Quoting shit at me while never listening to a word (or might I add the spirit).

Paul and BJ have both shared the thought that maybe he was called to be bishop FOR me. I was struggling with doing what was best for me (not going), and once he was called, no more struggle. Easy.

I've never felt good reading the scriptures. There are parts and quotes that I really like, but... a testimony that these things really happened and they were really translated... I don't know. Overall, I've never gotten that warm, fuzzy feeling. The only feeling I have felt is a lessening of guilt, because I was actually doing what I was supposed to be doing.

I find peace when I read things about Buddha, and the ideas expressed there seem more true than what I hear at church. I like the way I feel when I read what Thich Nhat Hanh has to say.

As I was leaving, my mom said, "You are a GOOD person. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't."
Should I have shared with her that I don't believe in good and bad? Probably good that I didn't.

I came home a MESS. Oh dear, what have I done? Stressing 'cause I said too much. Stressing 'cause I didn't say enough. Wondering if I said what I was really feeling or was I just being ruled by emotions. (I'm angry... and I know it.) Will they hate me? Will my mom be sad? Will my dad be mad?

Those last three questions, "Will they hate me? Will my mom be sad? Will my dad be mad?"
Seems those three things still RULE my life. With an iron fist.
I'm a five-year-old little girl terrified to tell them what happened, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, etc. because my mom will be sad and my dad will be mad.

I don't want to live like that anymore.
I don't want them to be mad or sad, but... I won't try to control their emotions anymore.

The back and forth inside my head was maddening. I got the sudden and strange idea to listen to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The first three movements sounded like chaos to me. I cried, because I felt the music pounding in my crazy head. Then it got to the last movement. "Ode to Joy"
"O friends, no more these sounds! Let us sing more cheerful songs, more full of joy!
Thy magic power re-unites
All that custom has divided,
All men become brothers
Under the sway of thy gentle wings.

Whoever has created
An abiding friendship,
All who can call at least one soul theirs,
Join in our song of praise!"
I think my life is currently in the first movement. Its loud and chaotic and... well... messy sounding.
I look forward to getting the 4th movement. FEELING that joy and that peace...
Being ME, no matter what that looks like.


  1. I have no idea who you are... just found your blog from reading comments you left on one of my friend's blogs. But I want to tell you that you are not alone. I have felt like you many times in my life. I'll never forget a dear Bishop I had that told me he wasn't in it to "win" me back for the church. He told me that he thought the church had teachings that would help me to have a happy life, but that he also believed I could achieve a happy life without it if I chose. At the time I chose to not go to church. I now make the choice to go and it has all had its time and place in my life.

  2. Yes, I would believe you if you said prayers are answered. I also believe that the Lord can guide you the way you need to be guided in your life. You do what you need to do for you.