Thursday, March 29, 2012

"The more you hold to something you've already lost the more you fear losing it."

I've been busy. So much stuff. I wanted to come back and write more on my last post, but life moved on, and I have nothing else to say about it... So, here's just a quick update:

Sportsman's Expo: I met Molly, an award winning fly fisher(wo)man. She invited me to a workshop where I met other women who loved fly fishing. She taught me how to cast better. That was awesome. Mostly it just felt so healing to meet other women that like the stuff I like. I felt less alone in the world.

I also won a guided fly-fishing trip to a private resort a few hours away from me. I've never won anything before, and I'm excited to go on a guided trip. MY guide. Someone who has the job to teach me and help me enjoy the trip. It feels overwhelming. Cool. And overwhelming.

$150,000 Steinway: I played it. I might need one. Justin promised he'd buy me one if he ever became a millionaire. I'm looking forward to that.

A wedding: I went to my cousin's wedding reception, and I didn't even scream or pull my own hair out. I think I'm making progress... I still hate weddings though. A lot. Didn't realize until just now that ever since going to the wedding, I've had a resurgence of body memory pain and nightmares... at least I know WHY it's been more intense the past few days, which makes me feel a little better that it will pass.

Next to Normal: Justin and I went to a performance of the musical Next to Normal. Ummm... Intense. It's all about a woman with a mental illness, and her and her family trying to cope and make sense of their world, and create a life that is "next to normal".

I wanted to find a good video to post, but I couldn't decide on a favorite song so, just check out the whole thing... Never mind. I changed my mind. Check it all out, but start with this song:

(I loved this one, because she described exactly how I felt... and then the husband was trying to help, and he didn't even know that he was making it worse... and then the "son" shows up, and he holds the keys to healing her. He is her own visions, but without facing him, she will never get better. And incidentally, neither will her husband.)

And then maybe this one:

(I liked this one because that's what a broken brain feels like. A vision that shows up that both hurts and heals. "If you try to deny me, I'll never die. I'm alive." That's what happens if you don't face your demons... they get bigger and louder and they develop a life of their own.

I went through a lot of emotions. They did a good job portraying intense emotions, loneliness, craziness, codependency, pain, and grief. I felt angry at the husband. I felt angry at her therapist. I just wanted to yell at them, "Don't you understand, you're trying to help, but you're making it worse!" I felt sadness for the daughter and the husband. I laughed at the craziness of trying to find medications and other treatments to make emotions and painful memories disappear. I felt helpless for everyone involved, because no one knows what to do. I felt hopeful for the characters in the play, and for the whole world. Having musicals like this one, showing the pain and taking away the secrecy that shrouds mental illness is the only way to "cure" the illness. EVERYONE is affected by our society's inability to cope with grief and pain.

My favorite line was:

"The more you hold to something you've already lost the more you fear losing it."

I've been thinking on this line ever since:

The more you hold on to something you've already lost, the more you fear losing it, so you hold on even tighter. The fear and the holding on is crippling... but you don't see that it is the fear that is crippling you... And then, one day, you finally realize, you're only holding on to an illusion, so you let go, and you feel free.

I've heard people say, "If you love someone, let them go," but really that's just an illusion. The truth is: loving someone doesn't make them belong to you. And if they were never yours, how can you let them go?


  1. Still makes me cry, especially the reprise. I'm glad we could go to the play though! ^_^

  2. This song speaks to me the most though.