I started this blog for two reasons:
For me. I wanted a place
where I could write down my thoughts, my feelings, and just be me. I was
so used to hiding behind my own smile and pretending to be someone I
wasn't, it was nice to just be able to write down my own thoughts.
For someone like me. When I started my journey to healing, I
searched the internet looking for someone who had been through abuse and
PTSD and survived. I wanted to find someone who could tell me I was
going to be okay. There was a way out. I didn't find anything like that.
When things got really bad, I'd think about what it would be like to
have someone to talk to.
I pictured meeting me in the
future: Future Me had been through hell. Future Me had survived months
of not sleeping, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Night terrors, Pseudo-seizures,
Dissociation, Pain, Body Memories, Crazy thinking, All of the emotions,
The heartache, The loneliness, The suicidal thoughts and plans, The
eating disorder, and everything else. Future Me had not only survived,
she was happy and healthy and loving life. She would tell me it was
going to be okay. She'd tell me there was a way out, and that I just
needed to keep walking this path. She'd tell me I'd be okay.
I pictured myself as Future Me. Writing in my blog, and someone
like Past Me would happen upon it and feel less alone. Less afraid.
So, for that person, I'd like to say:
If you think you are being selfish for not taking someone's
abuse, you're wrong. If you think that you have to take abuse and
ridicule because that makes you a good (wife, husband, person, etc.),
you are wrong. If someone tells you they love you but you have to
change, that is not love. That is manipulation. If someone tells you
that no one could love you, they are lying!! That is abuse. Don't stick
around and take it. There are people who will love YOU. I don't know who
they are or where you will find them, and I know they exist.
You've spent a long time adapting to abuse. You've convinced
yourself that's what you deserve... or that is love... or making excuses
for the other person... or making excuses why you have to stay... or...
The truth is, there is a whole world out there that is light and beautiful and
You know how to find your way. It feels impossible, but the truth is all there inside you. Trust yourself. You know the way.
And when I was in the worst of it, I repeated this line to myself over and over and over:
The only way out is through. The only way out is through. The only way out is through.
It worked. I got through it. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I am way more than okay.
You'll be okay too.