Sometimes I go to therapy, and it feels REALLY crappy.
I suppose it's like physical therapy - it hurts, but you do it in the hopes that you will build up your muscles and heal. I understand the process well enough that I keep going.
Other times, I go and I leave feeling better.
My last session was the variety that helped me feel better.
I started the session with a list of things that were on my mind. Some were things that had happened that week - some were things from the past that had been bothering me. I gave Wendy my list. She commented that for such a heavy list, she found it strange that I was smiling... and then she said she was going to go with her gut: Climb on Daisy (the therapy horse) and see what happens next.
Daisy has a bareback pad - keeps my jeans from getting quite so dirty.
I climbed up. Wendy walked Daisy around for a few laps of the pen, and then asked me what I was feeling.
I have felt invisible - but not because others make me feel that way, but because that is how I am supposed to be. I want to be heard, but can't handle it when people are listening.
At that moment, Wendy tied her lead rope to Daisy's halter to work as reigns. She told me to do it differently. Ask for some attention. Let someone listen and respond to me.
We rode in circles and figure eights and when I was done, we went back to the center where Wendy was standing.
I felt completely at home. Comfortable.
Wendy said (slightly awed), "To my knowledge Daisy has never ever done that before. She just did everything you asked with just a halter, and without even objecting. Why? Why do you think that was so easy for both of you?"
We were connected, and I felt connected. There was never a question in my mind that she wouldn't go with me. We were going to walk around and do figure eights, and then we were going to go back to Wendy. I didn't stop to ask what Wendy wanted me to do. We just did it.
For the rest of the session - it was Daisy and I working together with Wendy guiding us.
Wendy pointed out how different I was on horseback.
I come to session and I look rigid and "held together", but anxious and not fully present in my own body. My eye contact is limited and my shoulders are rolled forward in a sort of protective stance. I can force myself to stand differently, but it is a conscious effort.
While sitting on the horse, my posture is different. I feel comfortable and grounded and strong.
I've tried to figure out why. What is different from the back of the horse?
I feel supported. I also feel the horse. I can sense (in a way words can't quite describe) what the horse is feeling and experiencing. I can feel their muscles tense when they are afraid or unsure. I can feel their bracing against the reigns or against my body weight, but I can also feel them relax underneath me. I can feel connected in a way that isn't possible with people.
I don't feel afraid. I feel strong. Whatever emotions come up for me, I can process them with the help of a horse. We can walk and move or just stand in place... and I don't worry that a horse has somewhere else (more important) to be. They are there WITH me.
And I guess, a part of me doesn't really care WHY it works for me to sit on a horse, because it does work. It just works and I'm grateful for it.