Monday, June 22, 2015

I refuse to be angry at myself for wanting help.

I had my wisdom teeth out last week.

Last year, just before I was losing my dental insurance, I talked to the dentist about whether or not I should have them taken out. He said they seemed to be fine, not coming through - pretty deep down in my jaw, so I didn't have to worry about them. Then while we were on a camping trip to Moab last month, my jaw ached. Only at night, but intense enough that I couldn't sleep.

It turns out one of the teeth poked through just enough to get debris stuck on it underneath the gums, and it became infected. So, I had to have that wisdom tooth removed. I figured I might as well get them all out.

It has been a little bit miserable. It's been more than a week, and I am still in pain, still nauseated, and have almost zero energy. This is not how I like to spend my summer.

I didn't come here just to complain about my stupid face. The day after my surgery, I felt angry.

Todd and I were supposed to babysit his granddaughter, but I was too miserable to go, so Todd went by himself. I expected him to be done and come home around 7:30. I was extremely nauseated, but also recognized I needed to eat. Standing up and walking - even just into the kitchen - made me vomit. I finally gave up trying to eat, and stayed on the couch.

I was angry, but not at Todd. Instead, I was angry at myself for wanting his help. I was too miserable to think about it much until last night. (A week later.)

I sat down on my floor. I took a deep breath and said, "I refuse to be angry t myself for wanting help."

Almost immediately, I felt a deep and awful sense of abandonment.
I have never been abandoned. I have had parents and family and friends around me my whole life. They all did their very best to be there for me, but because of circumstances, I felt very alone. I had to figure out how to deal with abuse and the beliefs that came from all kinds of abuse all by myself. I had to figure out how to live and survive through things that no one should have to live through.

I wanted help. I couldn't ask for it. I believed I shouldn't ask for or even want help. There's nothing I can do about any of that now, but now... all I can do is cry.

So, I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time, and I cried for a long time.

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