Sunday, February 15, 2009

Grateful... and sad...

BJ shared some of the things he has been working on over the past week. He shared with me how I have helped bring him perspective on his marriage and his family.

He seemed so much more peaceful - and his eyes seemed more clear. I know his journey is not over, and he has work to do to bring him the peace and happiness he really wants, but he is getting there.

The feeling in my heart was that my journey with him is changing again. I felt so sad and so grateful at the same time.

I am grateful that I could help, that my journey blessed someone else's life, and I am especially grateful he shared with me that I have helped. I am sad, because I want to feel peace and to feel clarity. I want to know and to feel what I see others feel, and although I have made so much progress, it is not anywhere near what I want.

When will I be able to feel that? When will I know what he seemed to know? When will it be less of a battle? And if I am done here, and its time to move on, what will I do? Will I ever find peace and happiness, or will it always be about everyone else? I am sorry I am so selfish, I don't want to be. I wish it was enough that I could help others...

And at the same time, I am so grateful, because I pray all of the time to know how to help others, how to bless others' lives, and to be an instrument in His hands. I am grateful that He is using my struggles to bless the lives of the people I care about most.

How is it possible to feel so grateful and to feel so sad at the same moment???

1 comment:

  1. This reminded me of the movie "Field of Dreams". (You know it's always been a favorite movie of mine.) Near the end Ray sees all that his labor has done for other people. He's happy for them but he's also hurt that none of it was for him. Just at that moment, he sees his dad (his ultimate dream was to be able to reconcile with his dad.) He realizes that everything has come full circle for him and that his dreams were always part of the plan.

    I don't know how long things have to continue to be for other people and not for yourself, but the Lord knows your needs and they are part of the plan. Sometimes we just don't understand the timing until we're able to look back on it after it is all said and done.