Paul said something yesterday that really touched me. I told him that I have been feeling suicidal, but its been different than I used to feel.
It used to be that I longed for relief. I longed to get away from the pain and the heartache, and death seemed like the only answer. Then I would think about Mellen, or Dann, or even Bishop Johnons. I knew it would hurt them if I died - especially from suicide. I know that devestates people.
Lately, its been that I should do the world a favor, and die. I just make life difficult for everyone. No one wants me around. I am just a burden. If I die, they might be sad for a little while, but then they will be able to get over it much quicker than if I stick around.
Paul pointed out that those thoughts were placed there by an evil spirit. That evil does not want me to survive, because the truth is, The world needs to hear what I have to say. I need to do the world a favor and survive this crap, and then share with others how to overcome.
That meant a lot to me. I was reminded of the day 12 years ago in the ER. I just knew I was meant for great things, and I couldn't let ED run my life anymore. I knew the Lord had a grand plan for me in this life. So, I got over all of the ED behaviors.
And I believe that everything that has happened in the past two years has been part of His plan too. I look forward to overcoming, so I can share my story... Maybe write a book like Paul suggests.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
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While I cannot think of even an iota of a way that you leaving this earth would be doing me a personal favor, I cannot agree with Paul more. You need to share your light with the world Jen. Write your book, then smile as you look at it out in the open, accepting that "others might see"... I love you and being able to read your thoughts is a huge blessing.ReplyDelete
I want to read your book. I promise I'll write a glowing review on goodreads. :) Keep surviving, the world needs to hear your story.ReplyDelete