Friday, March 11, 2011

Five Years Old

Its been a while since I've written here. Two weeks ago, I got an email from my cousin. She has been on her own path of healing. From my posts on facebook, she came to the conclusion that we have been through some similar experiences. She has tried to pretend she is okay for a long time. In a moment of clarity (but full of a lot of her own fears)she reached out to me.

Our healing paths have now intersected in a way that I never imagined.
Some of my own questions may have just found an answer.
I feel like I have just found the final piece to completely heal my life. I have worked my way through a lot...
Since her email, I have felt like I was five years old. Feeling all of the same emotions that I felt then. I kept trying to push through it. Be an adult. Got involved in other people's problems and life rather than deal with my own. Tried to run away from the present to get away from the past.

Today, I finally stopped running, working, caretaking, and pushing everything aside. I wanted to hide in the closet, so I did. I cried. And cried. And cried. And then, I wanted to be held, wrapped in a blanket. I wanted a snack and a movie on TV. So, that's what I did.

Tucked in to a blanket. Hugging my stuffed hedgehog. Watching How to Train Your Dragon. Eating a Twix.

When I was five, I was hurt. I hid in the closet. I cried. And then my mom, who was hurting and struggling herself, told me she couldn't handle my tears. She needed me to just stop crying.

I needed a mommy. I needed someone to hold me while I cried. I needed someone to ask about my pain. I needed someone to tuck me in, bring me a treat, and put a movie on TV to help distract and comfort me. I needed that, but I didn't get it.

Today, I was able to give myself exactly what I needed.


  1. Very beautiful post, Jen. And, haunting. I am so sorry for the times you were five and no one held you, tucked you in, helped you feel safe, put a movie on for you, or did or gave you the things you needed in those moments. So very sad. But, so empowering and wonderful to hear how your courage, facing and accepting your pain AND your desires to heal have brought you to this moment, right now, where YOU have been able to give YOU the things you have needed and wanted.
    I love you. I am proud and respectful of your strength. And, your willingness to feel pain so that you can heal from it. You have both my friendship and support as you continue navigating your life.

    Love and respect, always.

  2. Jen, my heart breaks for the little 5 year old that needed someone to hold her. Hugs to you now!! I missed you at the last CALM. Maybe next time?

  3. Oh my dear Jen,
    I see how amazingly hard you're working and I'm so very proud of you. I know it's been a loooong rough road, harder than anyone should have to endure, but you are fighting, and you are healing, and I pray that you continue to find moments of clarity, moments of peace, moments of learning to care for yourself the way you deserve to be cared for...the way you should have been cared for all along.

  4. :hugs: It sounds good, curling up in a blanket, with a twix and a movie..

  5. I was 3 at the time. I wish I could have done something for you. But, I'm glad you're getting what you need now.

  6. Thank you everyone. I'm feeling very loved by all of your comments. I never could have imagined there would be so much support.

    and Fanny - I've missed seeing you! Are you planning on going this Friday?

  7. So tender, sweet girl. Wishing I could have been there for you to hug you while you cried. Feeling appreciation for you, that you followed your impulses and went into the closet as an adult.
    I love you. Holding you in my heart.