Its been a while since I've written here. Two weeks ago, I got an email from my cousin. She has been on her own path of healing. From my posts on facebook, she came to the conclusion that we have been through some similar experiences. She has tried to pretend she is okay for a long time. In a moment of clarity (but full of a lot of her own fears)she reached out to me.
Our healing paths have now intersected in a way that I never imagined.
Some of my own questions may have just found an answer.
I feel like I have just found the final piece to completely heal my life. I have worked my way through a lot...
Since her email, I have felt like I was five years old. Feeling all of the same emotions that I felt then. I kept trying to push through it. Be an adult. Got involved in other people's problems and life rather than deal with my own. Tried to run away from the present to get away from the past.
Today, I finally stopped running, working, caretaking, and pushing everything aside. I wanted to hide in the closet, so I did. I cried. And cried. And cried. And then, I wanted to be held, wrapped in a blanket. I wanted a snack and a movie on TV. So, that's what I did.
Tucked in to a blanket. Hugging my stuffed hedgehog. Watching How to Train Your Dragon. Eating a Twix.
When I was five, I was hurt. I hid in the closet. I cried. And then my mom, who was hurting and struggling herself, told me she couldn't handle my tears. She needed me to just stop crying.
I needed a mommy. I needed someone to hold me while I cried. I needed someone to ask about my pain. I needed someone to tuck me in, bring me a treat, and put a movie on TV to help distract and comfort me. I needed that, but I didn't get it.
Today, I was able to give myself exactly what I needed.