Saturday, September 3, 2011

Ask for what you want

BJ had planned to go riding with his dad today. This morning, he asked if I wanted to join them. My first answer, "YES!" because I never turn down an opportunity to go riding. Then, I stopped and asked, "You really want me to go with you?"

His answer, "Well... no... not exactly... and yes at the same time."
I asked him to explain. What do you want? Exactly?

He wanted me to join them for a little while - take pictures of the two of them - and then he wanted the rest of the ride just the two of them, but felt like that wasn't a reasonable request.

My plan for the day had been to take a drive up the mountains and find a spot to read and meditate.His request actually fit in perfectly to what I wanted. Ride for a bit, take pictures of the two of them, then find a spot by a stream and read or meditate.

This time, it wasn't me that was afraid to ask for what I wanted. It is still really hard for me too.
I'm afraid people will do things they don't want to do, just because I ask them. I'm afraid I ask too much, but I won't even know it's too much. There is still a part of me that believes if I get what I want, then someone else is going without and maybe hurting.

I'm so glad he asked.

It was fun taking pictures of the two of them. BJ's dad was concerned about me being alone in the mountains. I promised him I wouldn't get eaten by bears, but I couldn't promise anything about mountain lions. He looked at me like I was nuts when I told him, "I'm far more afraid of people than I will ever be of bears and mountain lions. The worst a mountain lion can do is kill you, and there are things far worse than dying."

It worked out to be the perfect day for me. The mountains were so incredibly quiet. I sat in the shade and watched the bugs crawl through the grass and trees. I put my feet in the stream and felt the REALLY cold water wash over them. I felt the sun on my shoulders. I listened to the silence and to me.

It would have been my wedding anniversary. I was worried it was going to be a hard day. No matter how "bad" the relationship was... it was never all "bad". There is sadness that it didn't turn out the way I wanted or planned. I thought I would spend a lot of the day crying, but I didn't. Instead, I just enjoyed a day with me. I'm great company. :)

I've changed a lot in the past few years. I don't believe I need a man to complete me. I don't believe marriage will (or could ever) complete me. I don't believe my happiness is dependent upon anyone else. I no longer feel sad that things didn't work out the way I planned - they worked out so much better than I ever could have planned or dreamed.


  1. I am glad you and BJ were both able to get what you wanted, and needed. It is important that people honor what your requests are. I am happy for you. Love and respect, always.

  2. blog author - you're back! How are you? And thank you. safe hugs to you.

  3. Thank you, Jen. I have been dealing with some health problems (more bone infection, another amputation, plus other issues with my Endocrine system.) I am OK, getting some good help.

    How was your trip to Europe? I want to see ALL your photos and hear every detail about it! Did you get some good pastry in Germany? I am SO glad you got to go. Wish I could have gone, also. :)

  4. I struggle with asking for what I want at times. Robyn and I have found that if we're both completely honest about what we want as well as what we don't want it makes it much easier. I don't have to be afraid about asking too much because I know she'll let me know when she's not able or doesn't want to give what I'm asking. I don't know if that even makes sense but it makes things a lot easier.

    I'm glad you had a good day. I don't think anyone should ever feel like marriage completes them. You're a perfect you without anyone else.

    I like to think I was complete before I got married. I enjoy Robyn's company, she's my best friend and I love being with her. I think she helps me become a better person. But I think it's important that neither of us were looking for someone to make us complete.

  5. Jeff - that makes total sense. When you can trust the Robyn will take care of herself, and she can trust you to take care of yourself, then you can trust that it's okay to ask for what you want.

    I think that's what I was trying to say. BJ and I were both so concerned about anticipating what the other person might want - we would have ended up with something that nobody wanted.

    And I like the way you describe your relationship with Robyn - she doesn't complete you and you love being with her. :)