A few days ago, I went hiking with some friends. At the top of the mountain, Kim decided she wanted to dance. I hadn't heard the song "Sexy Back" since my CFC days. In my CFC days, I definitely did NOT allow myself to move and dance and enjoy the music. Something about being on the top of the mountain, hearing the song on her phone, and being with friends allowed me to get more comfortable in my own body. For the first time in my life, I didn't think it was "wrong" or "bad" for me to dance whatever way I felt like dancing. It felt GOOD.
Last night, Angie invited me to a drum circle to celebrate the full moon.
I've been in drum circles before, at CFC they were a big part of therapy. Nothing like THIS though.
The energy, the love, the freedom, the movement was amazing.
At first, I just moved with the drums. It was awesome, but I could tell something was missing. I was moving to be moving... At first, it wasn't about nurturing my body, it was about exercising my body, and exercise in my world isn't a good thing. I sat down and rested. I listened to the drums. I watched others move. And then something changed.
I watched Sylvia dance. The best way to describe my experience watching her is that she "filled her body". There was no part of her body that wasn't HER. Every bit of her was dancing. Her feet, her hands, her legs, her shoulders, her face, even her hair, every part of her moved with intention. It was beautiful to watch.
I went back out and this time I DANCED. My hands, my feet, my shoulders, my hips. My body moved in ways I didn't know it could. There was nothing technical about my movements, but I felt like I was IN my body completely for the first time ever.
I didn't notice the change at the time. It just...happened... but as I drove home, I started to think about how my body FELT. I am a beautiful, strong, sexual woman. I have the power to move, to create, to BE in a way I have never had before. I don't quite understand it.
Today, I feel WHOLE.