Friday, April 6, 2012

...but my wife would never let me.

I went to a fly-fishing banquet tonight. I sat at a table of men (except BJ) I had never met until last night. There was an auction. At some point during the night, I heard every single one  of them (except BJ) say, "I would LOVE to buy that, but my wife would never let me..."

One was a painting... His wife would never let him hang it in the house that they share. He thought about putting it in his office, because at least he had some place that was his...

It made me sad.
Sad for the men that can't buy or have a painting that they like, because their wife doesn't. Sad for the women that don't even know what their husbands like, because their own likes are so important. Sad, because the way the men talked it was like they were getting a break from prison by being at this banquet without their wives there... Which sucks for ALL of them.

I have no more thoughts on the subject. Just felt sad, and felt like writing about it.

On a different note...
I won a hat and a sweatshirt. Not as cool as the guided trip, but cool enough.


  1. Just a different perspective, I don't know any of these people, so this may not be the case.

    First, a question, how many times have you heard me complain about rehearsal? For the majority of my life, I've complained about it relentlessly! Is there anything else I would rather be doing with my time? Not really.

    Next, maybe the reason their wife wouldn't let them, is because they can't afford it. They're blaming their wife because they don't like the reality that it wouldn't be a wise decision.

    Lastly, I love people, I love a lot of people a lot. I can't stand seeing those people every day sometimes. Having a guys night out sharing an interest that their wife doesn't share IS refreshing. That's something they don't share with their wife(presumably)

    Maybe it's a hobby that's very limited for financial reasons, maybe it's just an unhealthy relationship. I don't know. I just thought I should provide you a different view on things because (I love you, but this is true) you have a very negative outlook on marriage. You've always taken what's said at face value, it's a wonderful trait and I wish everyone knew enough about themselves to be able to say exactly what they mean and that they were in fact brave enough to say exactly what they mean. Just providing another outlook on the matters at hand.
    Love you sis!

    1. I like your different perspective...
      You're right. About a lot of things. I'm jaded about marriage. If I was complaining like that, it would have to be REALLY bad.

      And... I take people at their word. (Well... except sometimes when they are complimenting me, then I try to pretend like they don't know what they're talking about.)

      Sitting there with BJ also jaded me. He has complained about how marriage felt like a prison to him... that he felt like a slave to his wife... that he felt like he couldn't do what he wanted, and couldn't even be himself... how lonely he has felt, because she didn't know him and didn't seem to want to... and he pointed out how good it felt to not have to worry about her now.

      More information about what I overheard:
      I also listened to one of the sons say, "You should get it anyway... Who cares what mom says? I don't live with her, so I don't have to listen to all of the bullshit she'll give you. It would be good for both of you if you stood up to her once in a while."

      These men all SEEMED very wealthy (although I recognize that doesn't mean they are). They've traveled the world to go on various fly fishing trips. One of them bought a trip to Alaska for him and his buddies. ($4400, which was a great deal, but still a huge chunk of cash.) This man wanted a painting of a duck, and actually bid on it "to put it in the office, she doesn't get a say in what goes on when I'm not home."

      Which even that statement... I don't think she should have control over what he does anywhere, but... it just sounded so sad.

      I hope you're right... I will probably never know, because I doubt I will ever see any of those men again. And even if I did: I'm not brave enough to ask them about it.

    2. Oh... and it could also be that getting together in a group... one man complains, which makes another one think about what's been bothering him, and they talk about it... They all get it out, feel better, and no harm's done: They go home to their wives and really ARE happy.

      It could also be that they use their wife as a scapegoat. Kind of like mom and dad used to tell us to do, "If you need an excuse to get out of there, use me." (which is basically what you said)

    3. I'm not sure where my other comment went... It ate it, I guess...

      The most important thing (to me) that it said was something like this:
      I will never know what those men think or feel. I will never REALLY know what happens at home. My feelings of sadness were more if I was in that kind of relationship and said those kinds of things, it would be a very sad relationship... I don't want that kind.

      I don't even want a friendship that has that.

    4. We vacationed in Florida a few years ago and my husband bought this awful alligator statue. I have banned it (George is the eyesore's given name) out of the living room. He responds by chasing me around the house with it from time to time (it is quite menacing.) If I let him run wild, my entire house might look like an episode of Wild America.
      He vetoes too much Jane Austen-looking stuff in turn.
      This is how our relationship works. We are always "fussing" after each other over something. He carries on at me in the checkout line at the store, trying to convince the checker how mean I am to him. I love it because we are a young couple fussing like an old couple. It is part of our bonding. Some relationships flourish like that.
      That said, my grandparents were exactly the way you describe, Jen. I will never forget the Christmas my grandfather presented my grandmother with a beautiful sewing case; she was an amazing seamstress and the case must have cost hundreds of dollars. He smiled as she opened it, until she scowled and told him, "This is the wring case. I told you which one I wanted." She set it aside and he was crestfallen.
      We all compromise a little, no matter what relationship we are in. But no one should ever have to compromise everything. That simply is not love; it is control.
      Great post.