Would you please stop smiling, so I can know what narcotics to prescribe

I have another infection that has gone into my kidney.
If I had gone to the doctor at the first sign of symptoms, I might have prevented it from getting this bad. There are a few reasons why I didn't go.

I hate doctors... Well... I don't hate doctors, I hate going to the doctor's office. I don't like people touching me, and doctors always want to touch me.

I hate spending money...

The biggest reason I didn't go: I was doubting myself.


I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing was pain from a urinary tract infection, or if it was body memory pain. It's normal for me to feel pain and discomfort "down there" all the time. The best way to describe it is it the physical memory of rape. I feel the same pain that I did then. There was a time when it felt EXACTLY like rape: I felt like I was being ripped apart. It was excruciating. Now, it's not like that. It has dulled considerably, but it's still always there. (The most common search term that leads people to my blog is body memories. People want to know how to make the pain stop. What causes the pain? Is it real, or imagined? etc. I wish that coming to my blog could answer those questions, but I don't know the answers. As soon as I figure out how to stop it, I'll let you all know. I do know that it is getting better. It's like the volume is being turned down. A little tiny bit everyday.)

I write about this, because when I was talking to a couple of friends who have also been through sexual abuse and dealt with body memory pain, and I told them about how I didn't feel the symptoms or at least I couldn't tell the difference... Joy said she couldn't tell the difference, and she waited until she was flat out with a serious infection. Tef just nodded knowingly, and I knew she completely understood what I was saying. It felt nice to know I wasn't alone. I HATE that they have dealt with the pain and the confusion, and I appreciate knowing I am not the only one.

My emotions were all over the place: Feeling broken and damaged. Feeling ashamed that I still can't tell the difference between somatic pain and infection pain. Feeling confused. Trying to figure out what normal is. Beating myself up for being weak (because I got sick) or lazy (because I don't feel like moving off my couch). Once the infection reached my kidney, I had no doubt what was causing my pain, and I went to the doctor as soon as I could.

The doctor was amazing. At one point she told me, "Would you please stop smiling, so I can know what narcotics to prescribe. With the infection you have, you shouldn't be smiling." At which point, I broke into tears. She wrote me a prescription for something to take care of nauseousness, and something for the pain, and then told me to rest way more than I think is necessary. She said exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm on antibiotics. I'm taking cranberry supplements. Avoiding the stuff she said to avoid.
Eventually, I'll learn how to take care of this body I live in.