Thursday, March 29, 2012

"The more you hold to something you've already lost the more you fear losing it."

I've been busy. So much stuff. I wanted to come back and write more on my last post, but life moved on, and I have nothing else to say about it... So, here's just a quick update:

Sportsman's Expo: I met Molly, an award winning fly fisher(wo)man. She invited me to a workshop where I met other women who loved fly fishing. She taught me how to cast better. That was awesome. Mostly it just felt so healing to meet other women that like the stuff I like. I felt less alone in the world.

I also won a guided fly-fishing trip to a private resort a few hours away from me. I've never won anything before, and I'm excited to go on a guided trip. MY guide. Someone who has the job to teach me and help me enjoy the trip. It feels overwhelming. Cool. And overwhelming.

$150,000 Steinway: I played it. I might need one. Justin promised he'd buy me one if he ever became a millionaire. I'm looking forward to that.

A wedding: I went to my cousin's wedding reception, and I didn't even scream or pull my own hair out. I think I'm making progress... I still hate weddings though. A lot. Didn't realize until just now that ever since going to the wedding, I've had a resurgence of body memory pain and nightmares... at least I know WHY it's been more intense the past few days, which makes me feel a little better that it will pass.

Next to Normal: Justin and I went to a performance of the musical Next to Normal. Ummm... Intense. It's all about a woman with a mental illness, and her and her family trying to cope and make sense of their world, and create a life that is "next to normal".

I wanted to find a good video to post, but I couldn't decide on a favorite song so, just check out the whole thing... Never mind. I changed my mind. Check it all out, but start with this song:

(I loved this one, because she described exactly how I felt... and then the husband was trying to help, and he didn't even know that he was making it worse... and then the "son" shows up, and he holds the keys to healing her. He is her own visions, but without facing him, she will never get better. And incidentally, neither will her husband.)

And then maybe this one:

(I liked this one because that's what a broken brain feels like. A vision that shows up that both hurts and heals. "If you try to deny me, I'll never die. I'm alive." That's what happens if you don't face your demons... they get bigger and louder and they develop a life of their own.

I went through a lot of emotions. They did a good job portraying intense emotions, loneliness, craziness, codependency, pain, and grief. I felt angry at the husband. I felt angry at her therapist. I just wanted to yell at them, "Don't you understand, you're trying to help, but you're making it worse!" I felt sadness for the daughter and the husband. I laughed at the craziness of trying to find medications and other treatments to make emotions and painful memories disappear. I felt helpless for everyone involved, because no one knows what to do. I felt hopeful for the characters in the play, and for the whole world. Having musicals like this one, showing the pain and taking away the secrecy that shrouds mental illness is the only way to "cure" the illness. EVERYONE is affected by our society's inability to cope with grief and pain.

My favorite line was:

"The more you hold to something you've already lost the more you fear losing it."

I've been thinking on this line ever since:

The more you hold on to something you've already lost, the more you fear losing it, so you hold on even tighter. The fear and the holding on is crippling... but you don't see that it is the fear that is crippling you... And then, one day, you finally realize, you're only holding on to an illusion, so you let go, and you feel free.

I've heard people say, "If you love someone, let them go," but really that's just an illusion. The truth is: loving someone doesn't make them belong to you. And if they were never yours, how can you let them go?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Heavenly Codependency

There's been a blog post waiting to happen for a long time. Dane at Agitating Faithfully asked for submissions two years ago. I told him I would love to write something. I haven't yet. I don't know if he is even still looking. Today I was reading a post at Surely You're Not Serious, and now I'm writing. Warning, it's not a happy post. It's not positive about the church. And I need to share this.

In 2007, every couple of weeks, I'd get a call asking me to come in to talk to the bishop. He'd ask how I was doing, and for the first six months or so, I wouldn't answer him... The first time I opened up to him, I shared something about how I felt worth less because I was a girl... He asked me to write him an email to tell him why I thought that.
"Hi. So, here goes. I don't know what I'm going to write... I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like I was worth less because I was a female. Its hard to say where that came from. I can't imagine not feeling this way."
I then went on to list my history. How I felt about watching my parents together. How I felt when I started dating. About the EQ President in the back of the car... I couldn't tell him no, because I didn't have the right. Then about Larry. It amazes me how aware I was without being aware at all...
"My next boyfriend eventually became my first husband. We were married in the temple, but he never went back to the temple after we were married. Our wedding night was the worst night of my life, and the rest of the marriage wasn't much better. I was the wife, and I didn't have much choice when he wanted sex. I could not stop him, although I tried many times.
I wanted to do a lot of great things with my life. I was in school, working two jobs, and I was also doing public speaking. Larry informed me he was having an affair, and the bishop said it was my fault. A good wife would be home making her husband happy. I couldn't quit work, because someone had to make money, but I did pull back and quit a lot of the other things that I loved. The bishop congratulated me on being a good woman, and said I should be willing to do what Larry asked. He was the leader of the home, and I should let him lead and never question him."
I wrote about how relieved I was and how I finally felt happy after Larry left... but I was supposed to get married again... So I did.

I wrote about how I felt like I was wrong if my thoughts didn't match my husband's. I wrote about how I wanted to be a good woman, but I also hated the way that felt. I wrote about how hard I tried to be good and righteous, but the harder I tried, the darker I felt inside. I wrote about what it felt like to ask for priesthood blessings, but be told I wasn't worthy... That the healing power was there, but I had to ask a man for that power. And that man decided when or if he would share. I wrote about the temple and how although I made the commitment to "hearken to my husband", sometimes I just couldn't make myself do that. I wrote about being called to be a Sunday School teacher by his first counselor.
"I couldn't take on one more thing, but I had no choice. The (counselor in the bishopric) refused to accept my, "thank you, but no," because the calling came from God. It didn't matter what I wanted, what I desperately needed, or what I thought. A man I barely knew got more say in my life than I did."
I got released the next week, but even that... I had to write a really long and painful email to a man I barely knew, and HE still got to decide that it was okay if I didn't want to teach Sunday School.

I felt desperate. I wanted so badly to be a healthy human being. I met with the bishop and just kept asking questions. He helped me start therapy.

I KNEW that the church would have the answers to my questions. I searched and searched and searched. There was nothing. NOTHING that answered my questions. Pretty much everything I found just created more questions. More feelings of worthlessness. More confusion.

In therapy, we were talking about rights... so I searched "women's rights" on
I found information on the Equal Rights Amendment.  They fought AGAINST equal rights for women. They said that women being treated as  equals in this country would destroy families: it would be the downfall of society. How could men of God say that? How could God let them stand up in conference and fight against what was good for me? How could what was good for women be bad for families? Where was God in all this??

One night I read an article in the Ensign. This quote threw me into one of the deepest funks I've ever had,
"When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness."

I lived with a husband who raped me every night, although at the time I couldn't use that word. When I tried to use that word (rape) with my Stake President, and the Stake Relief Society President, they gave the same response. "A man can't rape his wife. They're MARRIED. She was his, and it was her responsibility to give him what he wanted when he wanted it." I knew why they thought what they thought... They read it in the Ensign.

Boyd K. Packer had the worst to say. He quoted a letter from a woman,
"I'm upset that I was always advised to go back and try harder only to get abused more. I need some comfort, I need solace, need hope, need to know Heavenly Father sees all that I have endured. What hope do I have for a chance to live with Heavenly Father? If temple marriage is the key to the celestial [kingdom], where am I? Outside gnashing my teeth for eternity? Help me." 
When I read her words, I felt some relief. There was another woman asking the same questions. Feeling the same pain. Making the same desperate pleas that I felt. And she had a listening ear. He would answer her questions and I would get my answers.
"The woman pleading for help needs to see the eternal nature of things and to know that her trials -- however hard to bear -- in the eternal scheme of things may be compared to a very, very bad experience in the second semester of the first grade. She will find no enduring peace in the feminist movement. There she will have no hope. If she knows the plan of redemption, she can be filled with hope."
It wasn't the answer I was praying for... but I guess I learned how to feel anger, and I learned that I could not look to the church for the help I needed. Packer was WRONG. and to tell a woman to go back to abuse, because no matter how much it hurts it's just a childish pain... that man has no idea what he is talking about... or if he does, then he is just plain evil. I HOPE he is just ignorant, or hasn't thought about the things he says, and that is why he says such devastatingly harmful things.

The feminist movement is nothing but women asking for rights... women asking to be treated as equals... women asking to stop being abused... If the church's only answer for abuse is to endure, then the ONLY hope for everyone will be found somewhere else...

I'm going to stop now... I thought about researching... going back and reading all of the things I read back then, but it is STILL so maddening, I can't do it. I don't want that stuff taking space in my life anymore. So... feel free to go to and research the terms I researched back then. "women's rights", "gender roles", "saying no", "healthy relationships", "abuse", "young women lessons", and a bunch more that I can't remember.

Back to my story.
Time passed. I'd dealt with a lot of stuff in therapy, and on my own. I'd faced PTSD flashbacks and nightmares and months without sleep. I couldn't stand being in my home, because I had a husband there. Husband represented abuse. I couldn't relax with him near. I was miserable trying to force myself to stay with him. I stayed with BJ and looked for my own apartment... Bishop C didn't want me to get comfortable away from my husband, because it was more important that I stay married. He was worried if I felt safe and comfortable without a husband, I would get a divorce... Bishop C thought I should only move into an apartment that wouldn't be comfortable. BJ talked to him. I talked to him. BJ pleaded with him. I called him on the phone while wandering the streets and sobbing while curled up underneath a trailer. Finally, he gave his okay that I live in an apartment where I felt safe. He actually volunteered to have the church help pay my rent for a few months. I lived in my own place for the next year before I finally decided I needed a divorce. It was the only way I was going to recover. I couldn't go back to being a wife, because wife symbolized something I never wanted to be again.

Everyone was okay with my divorce... they let me say that I didn't want to EVER be a wife again... until the divorce was finalized. In therapy one day, my therapist was talking about future relationships, possibly marriage... I told him I didn't believe in marriage. He told me that was because I hadn't known a healthy marriage.
In exasperation I cried, "ALL marriages are codependent, and I refuse to be in a codependent relationship... Can you show me ONE marriage that is not codependent?"

"Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother."

Me: Really? You have to go all the way to the top?
And really? You want Heavenly Mother to be my example of how I should live my life? Her children don't even know she exists. They aren't allowed to even know her name, or to speak to her. And some have been cut off from the church for speaking too much of her.

Him: Its for her protection.

Me: If I said I needed that kind of protection from a man, you'd freak out... You'd tell me how strong I am, and how I can take care of myself, and... so WHY does a Goddess need that kind of protection?

Him: Maybe she doesn't need or want to be mentioned.

Me: How is THAT healthy? I'm pretty sure you pushed me to be different than that. In fact when I tried to suggest that I didn't need or want people to know me... you told me I needed to find a new therapist, because you wouldn't help me to be that "indiscriminately self-sacrificing".

Him: Yes. Well. Umm. Maybe you just need to pray about that...

Me: Maybe I do, or maybe... You're wrong. And the "proper" example of marriage IS a very codependent one. Maybe I have been right all along about what women are supposed to be, or at least what it says in the scriptures about how a woman should be...
And then I went off.
And what kind of a mother doesn't want to be mentioned to her children? What kind of a mother is okay sitting back and watching Dad do everything? What kind of a mother watches her daughters suffer and question so much, but is okay with Dad being the only one they can talk to? What kind of a mother sits back while Dad writes scriptures about powerful men, but nothing about powerful women? What kind of a mother allows her daughters to go through this world without her? What kind of a mother is okay with the idea that the only purpose for her daughters' lives is to have children? What kind of a mother or a father would EVER perpetuate so much of these crazy gender roles and unhealthy relationships? I don't believe in that kind of a God or Goddess. I can't. I don't know what I do believe anymore, but I know I think this is a bunch of shit.
I started referencing all of the articles I'd read. I started showing him all of the things I'd learned about women and rights from the church. I showed him what the church said about abuse. The things they say to victims of spousal abuse... nothing... except "repent and forgive". I realized how DEEP these issues go. To my very core... I had written an email four years earlier talking about how I felt worth less because I was born a girl, but I couldn't put my finger on WHY... It's what I was taught... And I could finally see things clearly... I could see ME clearly....

I have to stop writing again. There's just SO MUCH that I could write about. All of the things that bishops and stake presidents and teachers and leaders and books and lessons said... I feel overwhelmed with the sadness and the anger. I can't put it all in words. I could write pages and pages and still... people would dismiss my experiences and the things I've felt... BJ says I think about things more than most. I try to live what I hear more than most. I believe what people say more than most. I don't know if that's true... I just know that I tried to live what I learned, and what I learned broke me.

I may come back and try to edit this post at a later date... add more to it... until then, your thoughts are always appreciated.

I played Lord of the Dance, and it made me happy.

My symphony concert was a couple weeks ago... I wanted to post this that night, but BJ filmed it with his phone, and neither one of us could figure out how to get it from his phone to my Youtube account... At least until yesterday...

I was on a "music high" (if there is such a thing). It was SO SO SO fun to be a part of this.

I just feel happy inside playing and remembering playing. I'm also way excited that I finally got to see the dancers.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

What's your horse's name?

The question wasn't meant to be a deep one... What's his name?
His name is Sunny. Full name: Sun's Golden Reay.
Wow. I've never even thought about his name...

He came with that name, and he came in one of the darkest moments of my life. Taught me how to ask for what I need. Taught me it was okay to trust. Taught me it was okay to feel fear and sometimes to run away from the fear. Taught me to just BE. I reconnected with the lower half of my body while riding him. And when the pain was so great, I thought I would die, he seemed to just absorb it.

Sun's Golden Reay is the perfect name for him.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


Sensory Overload posted about dragonflies and what they symbolize. (okay, that's not really what she was posting about. She posted about change and life and mentioned the symbolism of dragonflies.)

I like the symbolism, and it reminded me of this picture. So, I'm sharing it.

It was taken almost three years ago. I was at church. Something that was said really upset me, and if I remember right, I literally RAN outside. I stood there, crying... Why couldn't I be happy in church? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just sit there like everyone else? Why did the silly and messed up things people said affect me? Why couldn't I just agree with them? Why didn't I get the life where cliches about happiness and trials made sense? Why did I get the life where I knew that it didn't work out quite as nicely as the "soundbites" I heard at church? Why the hell was THIS my life? And what was I supposed to do about it?

And then this beautiful dragonfly landed on me.

A lot has changed since that day. Was it symbolic?