By about 45 minutes in, I actually felt calm and relaxed and present. That's when I realized how sore my legs were. My legs were sore for about two days after my last session. I assumed it was from running around the turnout... or maybe from something else... it's not.
About ten minutes into the session, I felt anger. Thirty seconds later, it was gone. I didn't feel angry. I felt happy. I felt fine. I wouldn't even say I felt numb or shut down, but for my emotions to come and go so quickly seems a little... numb or shut down. (It seems most people feel angry, or sad, and it's not easy to just change and be happy all of a sudden. That is just how I operate.)
My legs and stomach muscles were really tight and sore though... I mentioned that to Green Eyes, and she chuckled. (I'd say that was rude, except that is one of the things I love about her. She chuckles when she sees something that will help - even if it sucks right now.)
We talked a little about the idea that going back to therapy is a negative thing. She pointed out that many people go their whole lives and choose not to be aware. I am not in therapy because I am in a bad place. I am in therapy because I want more out of life. Life is good, and I want more. If I have to be a little sore or hurt a little more or work a little harder or go see a therapist, that is worth it. I know there is more to life, and I can have it.
A few things we decided to work on:
- Getting unblocked - especially since we know exactly where I block my emotions and where I store it.
- Asking for what I want - it seems I am no longer comfortable not acknowledging that I have needs and wants. I am no longer comfortable waiting for others to tell me what to do. I am also not comfortable asking for what I want; acknowledging that I have wants; or trusting myself to do what I think is best.
- Getting present in my body - I think a lot, about a lot of things, but there is a definite disconnect between my brain and my body.
I haven't been in therapy for a long time, and I have forgotten how good it can feel to process things and work through things. I haven't experienced getting present in my body much either, and it was nice to get there. Even though I "lost" the feeling within an hour of leaving. I also have hope that I can learn to do it better and for longer.