Tonight I stayed home from my fly fishing club meeting. Last night I missed rehearsal. I could have gone to both, but I was in pain and felt nauseated and hated the idea of even driving across town.
In the past, I would have gone. No one would have known I felt bad - maybe someone might have noticed my pale face or the cold sweat, but probably not. I am pretty good at faking it and pushing through a lot of pain. I have been pretty proud of myself for my ability to push through.
And. I'm tired of pushing through pain. It's exhausting, so I stayed home on my couch in front of the fireplace cuddled up with my cat.
I tell you all this, mostly because I'm trying to keep myself from telling myself horrible things. Somewhere in the back of my head, I hear a voice telling me I'm lazy and weak. I'm scheduled to have surgery in three weeks. Part of me is excited and hopeful that the surgery will make me feel better (after I feel worse for a while). The other part of me ridiculously believes that surgery won't help because the pain is all in my head. I'm just weak and I need to push harder, because the pain isn't real.
It's funny that I think it's not real. I finally have doctors giving me diagnoses and telling me that surgery will help. (I have suspected adenomyosis and endometriosis. My uterus is enlarged and out of position, and my cervix is tilted and twisted. I'm having a hysterectomy and they will be cutting out any endometriosis adhesion's as well.)
I feel ashamed that I stayed home on my couch. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or to express concern or sympathy for me. The shame and the fear are getting in the way of what I want. I want to feel supported.
This blog is a nice place to start doing something a tiny bit different.
I'm in pain. Sometimes I cry because it hurts. I feel exhausted trying to focus on anything besides the pain. It's not horrible all the time, but it hurts all the time. I sometimes get really depressed and discouraged, because its hard to enjoy anything when I'm in pain. I love being a part of the orchestra. I love fishing and being with the horses and working in the house, but sometimes I can't enjoy any of those things.
Even as I write this, I feel ashamed. If anyone knows that I cry or that I feel pain, they will think I'm weak. Because my pain is in my pelvic region, everyone will think I'm gross. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, and other people don't complain or cry even though maybe they feel the same thing I do.