Friday, November 13, 2015

Preparing for surgery: I feel afraid. #Endometriosis #PTSD

I'm getting ready for surgery in three weeks. It's stressing me a little bit, but the things that stress me are not the same things I have heard others worry about.

I'm afraid of laying on a table half naked while they put me under the anesthesia. That sounds like a perfect recipe for flashbacks and panic attacks. I talked with my surgeon and he told me they would do everything they could to keep me comfortable until I'm out. I also know from experience that even if I feel panicked, once they put the IV in, I'm out pretty quick.

I'm afraid of waking up half naked. I'm afraid of feeling afraid or triggered and being too drugged or in too much pain to be able to think through (and get past) the panic.

I'm afraid of staying in the hospital and not being able to wear pants and having people coming in to examine me. I'm afraid of panic and feeling afraid and alone and being unable to tell anyone whats going on. When I get panicked or have flashbacks, I can't talk. I get paralyzed.

Mostly, I'm afraid of wanting Todd's help through my recovery. They tell me I will be pretty much completely down for two weeks. I won't be able to lift anything for six to eight weeks. That means I will need help. This summer I had my wisdom teeth out. I tried to convince myself then that I didn't need or want help, but I'd wished I had done it differently.

I talked to Todd and told him I wanted his help, and I asked him to plan on being home for at least a few days after I get home. Just in case I need help getting food or whatever else I might need.

I'm still afraid that he will find somewhere else he would rather be. But more than that, I'm afraid I will tell him that I don't need his help. I feel like I shouldn't ask him to stay home with me, but I should tell him he can go fishing or go play with the grand kids or... anything really... but I want his help. I want him here with me.

He tells me to just trust him. Let him show me that he'll be here. Let him show me that he loves me, and not just when we are working together or fishing or riding. He says he also loves me when I'm tired and sick and need/want help.


  1. This is such a hard thing. Unless you have been through it you have no clue what it means to give up control. It isn't that you are too proud to show yourself vulnerable. Not at all. It is instead that you have had your power taken from you already and you just can't trust that you still have it.
    Even if it has been years.
    Even if you have moved far beyond.
    Even if you have grown in many other ways.
    Telling you to "let him help you, trust a little more," is about like telling a veteran to get over his fear of July Fourth. I can't tell you that you will not suffer a little bit. But I can tell you that I believe that you are strong enough to handle it. And that maybe things will be a little better on the other side of it.
    You deserve to be out of so much physical pain. You deserve to be safe and comfortable.

    1. You more than anyone could understand all of this. I do feel better after talking with Todd and the surgeon. Todd is a great listener, and has shown himself willing to be there for me over and over and over. The surgeon seemed to actually care and listen and helped me come up with a plan to help lessen anxiety as much as possible.

      So, we'll see. Two weeks from tomorrow.