A letter to my husband

This morning, my heart hurts as I think about us. My heart hurts as I think about you. I feel confused. I don't know what to do. I don't like being with you. I don't like the way it feels, only I want to be with you more than anything.
I want to laugh with you. I want to talk about things with you. I want to share my heart with you. I want to hold you, and I want to be held. Yet, I am beginning to think its not ever going to happen.

But then, I keep hoping. This morning when I woke up, there was a song going through my head:

Keep holdin' on-'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say - Nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on - 'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

That gave me hope to think maybe we could make it through. I want it!!!

Paul talks about how we are controlled by the thing we want the most. I believe that to be true. I keep trying different approaches. I keep pushing hard, because I want you in my life more than almost anything else. And I want healing more than anything else.

Sometimes, it feels like the two things are contradictory. I can't choose which I want more. You tell me over and over that you want healing for me, but you don't always act that way. I can't decide how much is ok to accept from you. You tell me that you don't intend to hurt me, and I believe that, but it doesn't change the fact that you do things that really hurt.

Dr. B. told me that there was no way to heal from past abuse if you are continuing to be abused. I don't know if I would call the way you talk to me "abuse", but I do know it hurts like hell. And when I try to talk to you about it, you tell me its all in my head, its all my fault, etc. THAT is not helpful at all. It leaves me feeling confused and broken inside.

I can't heal as long as you still blame me for feeling hurt. I don't know how to free myself from pain when I have to face the things you say to me everyday. I have to ignore the pain I feel from you, which just makes the old wounds fester and grow. And I go slowly crazy.

Lord knows I want to do the right thing. I want to do the best thing for me, for you, for us. I want a family. I want to see you as a dad. I want you to have a family. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I just don't know its possible for both of us to be happy in this relationship, which means it would be impossible for either of us to be happy.

I love you. I am praying for us both.