N... The girl who's trial was that her husband went to basic training for three weeks... The girl that I feel cranky towards whenever anyone talks about trials.
I hid from her. I know she saw me. We made eye contact... but I was scared she would read my shirt, and think... What?!? I wasn't sure... I just couldn't let her see me... and know THAT about me...
Today, all of facebook decided to post the color of their bra in an attempt to bring awareness to breast cancer. I refused... I just didn't want to... The whole thing frustrated me. The final straw came when an acquaintance (notice I didn't use the word friend...) posted, "So as far as this color thing is concerned-I will just say that my color is whatever color a "survivor" wants to be."
Inside my brain, I lost it. ANGER. If I had been congruent, there would have been explosions coming out of my ears and smoke from my nose. But I didn't understand why I was so upset, and Dann was sleeping, so I just sat with it. And now I am blogging about it...
How dare SHE call herself a survivor. She lived. So... Does that say anything about those that die? And that's the WORST that can happen... you either live or you die. And everyone talks about it, cares about it, helps those with cancer through it... To abuse survivors, they say such things as:
- When are you going to get over that?
- Why do you need so much attention?
- It was just sex... what's the big deal?
- Stop talking about it...
- Or they just get uncomfortable... and I feel like crap because they are uncomfortable
And I can't even go to Wal-Mart with a survivor shirt on without feeling like I am dirty, disgusting, horrible, sick, attention-seeking, etc. etc. etc. And she can just post it, and people congratulate her? Call her an inspiration?
People don't know. Don't understand. Don't care.
I lived. I continue to fight, to live, to survive, and maybe someday to thrive and make a difference. No one knows how long or what it will take.
Can I call myself a survivor if most people will never know about the battle? And no one knows when or what it takes to win?