Sunday, January 24, 2010

There comes a time

I've been struggling... Yesterday, I wrote about how I wanted to change the world, but all I could think about was stupid eating disorder CRAP. I spent last night "acting out" but also pacing between my bookshelves, movie shelves, and piano.

I want to read something, but the only things I have are autobiographies and biographies of people with really hard lives or therapy-type books. I am tired of the hard. I want something fluffy... only I HATE fluffy. I get angry and anxious with the fluffy...

Watch a movie... but I can't bring myself to just sit there. Something inside tells me there is work to be done. Movies with silly characters, annoy me. Anything with sex or violence triggers me. I could force myself to watch that, and maybe eventually it wouldn't bother me so much. But... no...

Play the piano, but there is so much emotion in music. I don't want that.

In the end, I spent the night obsessing about eating disorder crap.

Thinking about it now, I feel selfish. Not in the way that other people have called me, but in the true definition of selfish. I don't want hard. I don't want emotions. I know there is work to be done, but I don't want to.

There is a reason I feel the way I do. There is a reason I have gotten so angry. There is a reason I have been led on this journey. There comes a time when getting angry alone in the office is just not enough. In order to change things, I have to be brave.

What can I do to change the things that make me so angry?
I don't know. One thought: put my blog out there for people to see.
(But they won't want to read that stuff... It is all stupid crap from a silly girl... It won't make any difference to anyone...And I don't know if I could handle that...) Maybe that's true, or maybe one person will see one thing and it will help them.
Actually send the letter I wrote to President Monson... Actually write articles to the church magazines... Actually talk OUT LOUD to someone that could make a difference... Share with others like I have talked about doing... Actually do SOMETHING instead of just thinking about how much things suck.

And maybe doing something to help someone else will help that other part of me realize she can get up. She doesn't have to stay there. She doesn't have to let him keep hurting her.

And maybe, I just might change the world.


  1. You left a comment on my friends blog, so I clicked on yours, as is my custom with blogs I don't recognize. I've spent the whole evening reading your blog from start to finish. I've saved some of the quotes to hang up in my office. I haven't been through nearly as much as you, but I empathize with how you feel. Always guilty, anxious, overly apoligizing, and unlovable. I've sat through unbearable Relief Society lessons as well. I confuse aggressive with assertive. I try to mediate to keep the peace. I will do anything to avoid coflict. And I dont let ANYONE see that side of me. If you read my blog, you would never suspect that I was anything other than what I portray myself to be. THANK YOU for being so brave and writing this blog. It has changed my life perspective. It's good to know that I am not alone.

  2. Thank YOU! You don't know how much this means to me. (I cried when I read your comment. Seriously. You made my day!!)

  3. You're not selfish. Things are hard, and it's okay to not want them to be. Even the Savior asked Heavenly Father to take away his trials as he suffered in the garden. (Luke 22:42) In the end, he did the will of his father. I believe that is what you do as well. It's okay to not want to go through the things we go through. In the end, I believe you do and will continue to do the will of the Father, even when it's hard.