His first question, "Have you slept at all since I saw you last?"
Yes... of course I have slept since I saw you last, but not a whole lot... And even when I do, its so... I mean, I sweat more in my sleep than I ever did as an over-exerciser.
Then he did the unthinkable. Sometimes he can just be so CRUEL. He told me to lay down and get comfortable.
Who's comfortable? Yours or mine?? He thinks comfortable is sprawling out on the couch. I think comfortable is curling up in a ball and hugging a pillow. He let me get MY comfortable.
He's been reading Waking the Tiger. The assignment from the book I never did? Because it freaked me out so DAMN MUCH!?! He asked those questions, "How do you know THIS is comfortable?" "What do you feel in your body?" and (not from the book), "Why are you crying?"
I don't know why I'm crying... except that I feel like crying... welcome to laying down with Jen... I wish I could remember his other questions, because they were so much better than they used to be. They got me to that incredibly yucky, overwhelming, need to go there, DON'T WANNA, place.
I was both confused and cognizant at the same time. At moments, I was crying, "NO!" and then the next moment explaining to him what was happening. When he asked questions about things that weren't related, I could tell him he was going in the wrong direction... however, I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... but I could tell him that I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... Poor Paul... Its a wonder he doesn't go insane.
Eventually, everything in me started to shake and I sobbed, "I want them to hurt. Sometimes everyone. Sometimes specific people. I want them to hurt like I hurt. I want them to feel what it feels like to have your whole world ripped apart. I want them to know how it feels to be physically split apart because he forces himself where he shouldn't go. I want them to know what it feels like to go through all of that in their home with a person that is supposed to love and protect them. I want them to know what it feels like to feel that terror. I want them to hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally. I want all of those people who's worst trials are whether or not they will pass math to KNOW what I feel. I want all of those people that judge me for not doing what they think I should to UNDERSTAND like I understand..."
He cried. Paul cried! He told me that it was not only okay that I feel all those things, but it is natural. And although I may want to show them by putting them through that, I don't have to. My words just might help them understand. I put it it well enough for him to understand.
And then we talked about the Anger I feel, but can't feel all at the same time... and the fear of that Anger. And I don't want to be that person... and I don't know how to not be... I am so hurt and so angry, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do... and...
He said it made sense that I would feel that so black and white. I am either the Victim or the Rapist. He promised there was an in-between. A "Righteous Indignation" that would be where God really is.
He gave me the assignment to look up scriptures and resources on "Righteous Indignation". Find information on when its okay to stand up for yourself.
Does that even exist? I told him I had never looked up that term, but I had looked up "Women's Rights" on the church's website, and I only found a bunch of trash. Stuff like, "Stop talking about women's rights and talk about responsibilities and opportunities." It even included the "opportunity" to give sex when you didn't want to. And serve your spouse. And the "right to say no is not as important as the opportunity to say yes."
He told me that one day he saw me teaching people. There is an avalanche of "stuff" being taught that God lets his people teach, because there is some good, but there is also a lot that needs to be changed and "tempered". I have a special ability to do that.
I confused him by smiling. If I had not been raised in the home I was raised in; If I did not have to learn how to "mediate" to protect my brother; I would not be able to to talk with the calm that I do now. There is a lot of emotion that I need to feel. (I need to NOT be the calm mediator that lacks emotions just so people will listen. I NEED TO YELL AND SHOUT AND SCREAM!) Still... I do have an ability to speak so others can listen. I would not have that if I had not HAD to have that when I was very young.
I had one of those "see-the-big-picture-and-all-that-I-can-do-because-of-the-crap" moments. I don't think for a second God wanted me to be hurt, but He did know me well enough to know who I could become because of it.
Not sure if its possible to feel COMPLETELY wiped out, and energized at the same time, but I do.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
I'm sorry I don't understand it all. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were feeling the terror of being violated every day.ReplyDelete
I'm grateful that you were there, in the period when I felt terror. It's strange, I don't remember a lot of pain, maybe I've blocked it out. What I remember is fear. In some ways, fear is worse then pain. But I also remember that you were always there to talk to. I remember I learned how to be funny so I could make you laugh when you were crying.
Thank you. I'm sorry that when my pain stopped your pain continued in new ways. I know that healing will come.