Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Overly Apologetic

The book (Five Languages of Apology) talks about those people who are constantly apologizing... You know? Like Jen?

It gives different categories:
"I assume its my fault - When things go wrong in relationships, I just assume it is my fault. So I apologize. I always feel like I am in error."
When I apologize, I apologize for existing... That kind of apology does not feel sincere or helpful. Dann doesn't feel like I am trying to change or get better or even acknowledging his pain. Even when I DO apologize for something I did, and I try to be sincere, he doesn't feel it, because I am ALWAYS apologizing. If I decided I was worth more than shit, and stopped apologizing for breathing, then when I DID apologize, he would feel it. He would feel loved.
"I want to get it over with - They are willing to accept responsibility and apologize even if they do not sense that they are at fault simply to get the issue settled."
I have done this out of fear. If it wasn't resolved, and quickly, things could get really ugly. In my home growing up, with Larry, with Dann.
"For (the overly apologetic), they desire peace at any price. They would rather admit wrong if the arguments and conflicts will cease. Emotional calmness is more important than being right. While this may appear to be an admirable trait, it often simmers as inner resentment.
Such internalized resentment often creates emotional distance between two individuals. On the surface things seem to be relatively calm, but underneath and emotional explosion is in the making. Failure to process the resentment can lead to the destruction of a relationship."
Peace at any price is not the road to authentic relationships. It might be the road to survival. It might be the road to "get through the day." It might be the only thing I could think of in the past, but I want something different now. I am capable of something different now.

1 comment:

  1. I like that perspective. Apologies lose meaning when they're the default response. I'm a believer in owning your behaviors and apologizing when they are wrong, but it definitely doesn't help to apologize for existing, or out of a desire for peace (or fear of the alternative).