Friday, December 24, 2010

"Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful AND triumphant."

Christmas is hard for me. I know its supposed to be a time full of happiness and joy and good things. It just isn't for me. I'm stressed. Anxiety through the roof, and I can't even really tell you what I'm anxious about. This past week I have felt urges that I haven't felt since... well... probably since last Christmas...

I have wanted to just take whatever I had to take to make me go away mentally. Then I can be wherever anyone wants me to be physically, but I don't actually have to be there. (I have prescription anti-anxiety meds. They make me a little TOO out of it. I was told to stop taking them, so I did. But... I have never thrown them away just in case I might "need" them one day. I find comfort in knowing that I have a way out. I'm not going to throw them away, even now, because even though I will never take them, I still feel comforted knowing I could. Or something.)

Anyways, BJ told me to go back and read what I wrote after Thanksgiving. He pointed out that I was stressed and scared then, but it turned out okay. Better than okay. He's smart. It helped some, but this also FEELS different. Today just feels icky. Here is me trying to sort this one out.

Being in my parents' home is still hard. Often, I revert back to some former form of myself. Christmas has so many "traditions" and all traditions feel like to me are old memories of things I don't want to remember. And some good things that I do want to remember... But. Oh. Even the good things bring pain right now. Dann has always worked so hard to make Christmas special and fun and good. Even when we didn't have money, or things were really bad between us, he made Christmas awesome! Remembering all of our Christmases together is sad, because I don't have him in my life like I used to. We're still friends, and... still, its just not the same.

I really struggle to let other people buy things for me. I have often NEEDED Christmas. I refused to buy anything for myself, so things got worn out, and Christmas was about my needs.

I was always told that I shouldn't want anything. And with Christmas, it just gets stronger. I shouldn't want presents, but I shouldn't buy anything for myself, so I really need some things, but I shouldn't, because I can do without, and there are others that don't have anything. I should give my presents to them. But my family likes to give to me, so I have to accept whatever they give graciously, but I don't want it, because I shouldn't want presents. What a horrible cycle I've gotten myself into!!!!!

Add that to, the belief that I can never give enough. No matter how much money I spend, or how much time I put into presents, or how much I think about the perfectly right gift, I will still feel bad for not doing more.


This year, I am going to do it differently.

I have done better at taking care of my own needs and wants, so there is nothing I need.
I like presents. I will admit that to others and to myself. I like getting things. I like seeing what others have picked out for me, and I like just opening gifts. Even tearing the paper, I love it.
I like watching others open presents. If its not the perfect gift, oh well. If its a horrible gift, I hope they enjoy exchanging it. And I hope we can laugh about how horrible it was.
I will smile at the memories that were happy. Cry for the changes that are sad. Create new memories.
I will participate in the traditions I want to participate in, and I won't participate in the parts I don't like.
And if at any moment, it all gets too much for me, I have a home to come to. I have a place where I feel safe and comfortable.
If I decide to spend Christmas alone, I'll be in great company.
This year, I'll think I'll just try living.

Just writing all this down, I feel better. Lighter.
Who knows, maybe I'll even like Christmas this year.


  1. Sending love your way. My Christmas Gift to you. :) Hope it fits just right.

  2. I enjoyed Christmas with you. I really enjoyed our long talk on Christmas Eve. I hope you enjoyed it as well. Thanks for hanging out with us even though it gives you anxiety.

  3. I really enjoyed Christmas with you too! I'm sorry we had to stay a little longer than you wanted, but thanks for being patient. I hope this Christmas was good for you and that Christmas can get better and easier from now on. I love you!

  4. Angie - Thank you. Same right back at you.
    Jeff - I loved our long chat Christmas Eve. :) I'd like more. I was anxious, and I found ways to deal, so I could stay as long as I wanted, which is what I did.
    Mel - You stayed longer than you wanted too... it all worked out. This Christmas was great. I loved driving with you and Jus. I loved the presents and just hanging out. Love you both. tons!

  5. I believe you are much stronger than you realize. Christmas can be a painful, depressing, melancholic time for many of us, but I believe you will get through it OK. Your "way out" will be YOUR OWN inner strength, determination and persistence. Please, just rely on yourself to find your way through all this: you have a destiny in this life to help others unshackle themselves from narrow-minded male-dominant dogma, bigotry and stupidity. God be with you!

  6. PS: Have you checked out Natalie R. Collins books and blog? See for more info. Also, check out her old blog at She has a lot to say about the "Mormon World."