Sunday, December 19, 2010

I wish...

I was reading in the book Above the Clouds. Her story has a lot of parallels to my own, but there was one that I wasn't expecting.

She talked about going to school to become a massage therapist. She wanted to heal the world with non-sexual touch. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but when I was nineteen, I wanted to do the same thing. I saw friends at CFC (the first time - back in 1997). They had been hurt by touch. Horribly abused, and I saw the need for some positive touch in their lives. I wanted to become a massage therapist for that reason. I planned on using my massage therapy to work me through school and get a degree in psychology as well. I knew I couldn't practice both together, but I wanted to learn how to heal people in every way I could.

I was engaged to Larry. He didn't want any wife of his becoming a massage therapist. He didn't want people touching me. He didn't want me touching other people. He hated everything about it. So I didn't do it.

As I read about Angie, I cried. I felt both sad and angry.
This was just one more instance of when I gave up what I wanted and what I thought was best to make someone else happy. I thought I could do some good, but then gave it up with the belief that I could do more good as his wife. It was a choice I made, based on the knowledge I had at the time.

If I think about it, I am still terrified of touch. Would I have survived going to massage therapy school? Would it have triggered me so much I couldn't have handled it? I still have not gone to get a massage. Its been a therapy assignment for almost three years... There is no way I could have done both school and go through the hell I was going through with Larry. It just wouldn't have worked. The way I dealt with my life was to completely disconnect from my body and soul.

I wish I would have known my true gifts and my true strength.
I wish I would have known who I was.
I wish I could have stood up for myself and what I wanted.

And I'm grateful I know and understand more now.

1 comment:

  1. That would have been really neat for you. But, like you say, maybe it would have triggered you too much. But maybe some day you could still learn to do massage if it's still a dream. If it's something you want I know you can do it.