Happy Birthday to me!

It isn't my birthday yet... but yesterday was my family's birthday celebration for me.
I was excited all day. I felt really silly, so I tried to discount my own feelings.

It's just a dinner. With ice cream cake and presents. It's not THAT different from any other Sunday when we all get together.  BUT. It WAS different. We were getting together FOR me. Just to celebrate that I am alive, AND I'm excited about that.

I'm not sure how I felt about my birthdays when I was younger. I probably liked them, but at some point my own birthdays started to annoy me. I didn't want to celebrate me. I hated me. I didn't want to celebrate being alive. I wished I wasn't. I didn't want to celebrate living another year. Surviving felt like a silly reason to celebrate. I didn't want presents. Presents made me feel guilty. I don't like them singing to me and feeling like the center of attention. I didn't want to inconvenience my mom with a special dinner. I felt guilty when she did anything special for me.

My birthday felt like an inconvenience and nothing to celebrate at all.

This year. I WANT to celebrate. I feel giggly and silly and excited to celebrate.

It's great to be alive. It's great to be me. It IS totally worth celebrating that I lived another year, because this past year, I LIVED! I like presents. I LOVE eating dinner together. I didn't have any special requests for dinner... except "fruit stuff"*.

I love the goofy way my family sings happy birthday. There's nothing like it... and no two renditions are the same.

On my actual birthday, BJ and I are going to the state capital to lobby against a bill. (HB68 was written by Rep. Kay L. McIff as an attempt to protect the HB141, also known as the "Public Waters Access Act". This bill directly affects us as fisherman and could affect the public because it changes who owns public water.)

The rest of the day is a surprise. BJ asked me what I wanted to do, and the only thing I wanted was to do something. He took that as license to plan a surprise. I used to hate surprises, but I'm not hating this one. He knows me well enough, and I like doing enough different things... I'm excited to see what he comes up with.

Mostly... I'm excited to be excited to be alive.



*Recipe for "Fruit Stuff"
16 oz bag frozen strawberries
1 can peach pie filling
1 (small) box peach jello
1 can mandarin oranges
1 can pineapple chunks or tidbits
a bunch of bananas.

Mix it all together and let it chill.

Redefining selfishness (again)

I was reading the book, Who'd You Put Your Panties on for Today? this morning, and feeling frustrated with the author. "This woman is selfish, controlling, and she's driving me crazy!"

I kept reading... mostly because the book was a gift, and I wanted to be able to say nice things about it.
About half way through, she finally said something that warmed me up to her a bit:

"I realized I was putting my panties on for me, and I was expecting everyone else to put their panties on for me too."

Now we're getting somewhere.

In the book up to this point, this woman wanted things perfect. The rug straight. Her children, friends, husband, and family to look and be a certain way. And she thought that by telling them how (and really who) she wanted them to be, she was "putting her panties on for herself". It was a big wakeup call to her when she finally saw things as they are. (She was expecting everyone else to do things her way, and by demanding that she was not taking care of herself like she thought. In reality demanding others to be and do what she wanted was hurting them and herself.)

Redefining selfishness (again):
I used to believe selfish was living my life for myself. That's not true. That's healthy living. Doing EXACTLY what I need and want to do.

Selfish is expecting others to live their life for me.

It is not selfish to take care of myself. It is not selfish to have wants, needs, desires, and to go after them.
It IS selfish to expect others to take care of me. It IS selfish to expect other people to give me my needs, wants, and desires just because I want them. It IS selfish to expect others to sacrifice their wants, needs and desires for mine.

Expressing wants and desires = taking care of myself. Owning my voice.
Expecting others to give me my wants just because I express them = being dependent on another person. Giving them my voice. In this scenario, my voice (sharing my wants, thoughts, desires) is only worth what they give me as a result of my speaking up. If they give me what I want, it was a good thing to ask for what I needed. If they don't, then I shouldn't have asked.

Asking for what I want is NOT about what others do. The part that is important is just saying what I want... it doesn't matter what comes after that.

(By the way, I liked the rest of the book. It was a fun read. Using panties as a way to explain self-care and healthy change. It was like reading her journal - traveling and learning right along with her... I enjoyed that. Plus there's lots of sketches of different types of underwear.)

Argh. Still working at this boundary stuff.

I hesitate to write this, because... well, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but the thing is... that's kind of why I need to. I'm so damn scared of hurting people's feelings that I just keep on trying to take care of them in obnoxious ways that make me crazy. hmmmph.

The past few weeks, I've branched out. Spent more time with new friends. It's cool.

Here's the struggle I'm running in to:
I get to a point where I'm done, and I want to go home, but I can't figure out how to say that... So I stay. The biggest downside to that is then when someone invites me out again, I feel anxious and don't want to go. Lacking the ability to say what I want, makes me feel trapped... which makes me want to go spend time with the horses who demand nothing from me...

This problem is miniscule compared to the way I used to be, and... it's still the same problem I have always had. I feel like it's my job to take care of everyone else's feelings. I feel like in order to be nice and kind, I can't express what I want. I have to stay far longer than I want to, because the other people need me. (How arrogant can a person be? These are all fairly healthy, well-adjusted adults, and I think I have to take care of them?? Me!?! I'm cool, but really... THAT cool? no.) I'm afraid of what people will think and feel if I don't do what I think they want...

So, although staying at a friend's house longer than I wanted to stay isn't a real big deal, I want better. I want to enjoy the time I spend with friends. I want to go out and feel comfortable knowing that I can take care of myself. I will not put myself in situations where I am being drained or depleted... Which really, when I feel trapped, no matter how GOOD the experience could be, I feel depleted and tired afterward.

Here's my goal, and the way I will challenge myself.
For the next few times (or as many times as it takes) I hang out, I will decide on a time in advance that I will be done. If I want to change that later, because I'm having a really good time, I can do that, but really... I'm thinking it will be important to stick to it as closely as possible for a while. I will tell the people I am hanging out with when I will be done, and I think I will probably even tell them why, and ask for help:

"I'm working on setting and keeping really clear boundaries. The way I am doing that is deciding when I am going to be done hanging out in advance, and then sticking to it... Today, I want to be done at 9 pm, so that is when I am going to be leaving. Would you mind helping me with this goal?"

I don't actually need or expect their help, but by asking for it, I'll be able to help myself better... and even now, I feel anxious at the thought. Which probably means this is going to be really good for me.

Emotional Intimacy

I heard a quote the other day:

"How do you know when you are being emotionally intimate with another person? 
When you feel anxious and afraid of how the other person will react to what you are sharing, that is when you are being emotionally intimate."

That kind of blew my mind. It's been rumbling around in my head for several days now.

In my post a few days ago, I talked about how intimacy requires saying what you mean to say. Being honest about anger, pain, love, happiness... I talked about how afraid I was to talk about my anger and my pain. I was afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes, literally PHYSICALLY hurt. I was also afraid of being criticized, demeaned, or humiliated. I was afraid of the things I said being used against me at a later date. I was afraid of so many things, so I kept my anger and pain to myself. I thought for so long that I didn't deserve to be treated with kindness and respect if I wasn't doing everything everyone wanted me to do, and that feeling and belief drove my fear... which kept me from expressing... well... anything.

I like this new idea of what intimacy is... It makes so much sense to me...
Saying, "no", requires more trust (for me) than doing what the other person asks of me.
And thinking about the people that I like having in my life: They accept my boundaries. When I say, "No," they don't push me. They are still kind to me and treat me with respect even when I don't do everything they want me to do. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to have an intimate relationship if it wasn't safe for me to be honest... say no; I don't like that; I don't want that; please don't... Completely impossible to have any level of intimacy if "No" is not an option.

Argh! Even now, I hear voices from other people telling me, "It is selfish."
I hear myself saying, "It's no big deal. I can handle it."
Or the fear of retribution from some... the ones who don't understand what a healthy relationship is... thinking that it is okay to respond with hurtful words or actions if I don't do what they want.

But I go back to what I would want for those that I care about. I would want them to be respected. I wouldn't think it was selfish of them to take care of themselves... in reality... seeing others stand up for themselves and take care of themselves has created many beautiful friendships.  (My FAVORITE moment with BJ, "I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to do what I want, and if you don't like it, then FUCK YOU!" At the time, I resisted the urge to smile... I didn't want to ruin the moment. It felt AWESOME! Loved seeing that he could and would stand up for himself... even "against" me... That was hard and scary for him to say: Completely goes against HIS need to please everyone... which is probably a big reason we became such good friends. He trusted me, and I responded in a way that showed I knew him and I respected him.)
 I wouldn't want them to force themselves to do things they don't want to do because "It's not big deal."
And I hope that if I ever say or do hurtful things, they would get themselves away from me to a safe place. I don't want to hurt anyone.


Respecting boundaries doesn't mean that they don't share feelings. If I say, "No. I don't want to spend the day with you," then a healthy response (if it's true) would be, "I feel sad and disappointed. I really wanted to spend the day with YOU." I respect their feelings and don't try to change what they are feeling... they respect my feelings and don't try to change what I am feeling... I share what I need to share, and I allow others the freedom to respond in the way that is truest to them. (And as always, if their response is abusive, I can let them know, I can choose not to be around them, or any option... I always have the freedom to get out of a situation that is harmful or toxic to me.)

Still learning. Still exploring. Still thinking.
What are YOUR thoughts on this idea of intimacy??

Lesson learned

Something to remember about myself:
I feel anxious when I am not acknowledging myself and my wants.
As soon as I acknowledge what I want, I feel better. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to say a word to anyone else. I just acknowledge I have wants. To MYSELF.
Doesn't mean I will get what I want. It just means I am honest with myself about what I want.
The End.