Saturday, September 12, 2009

A year ago

I love horseback riding. It was almost exactly a year ago that I rode for the first time...
On September 13, 2008 I wrote:
"Bishop Johnson took me out on his horse. I didn't know that was the plan, and at first, I really struggled because I felt guilty not hiking. At the same time, I loved it! I loved being in the mountains - moving and exploring without feeling the exhaustion of hiking. It was so awesome!"
I remember that first time riding... I remember how hard it was to let myself even get up on the horse, and then to admit how much I loved it. I was trying to figure life out... I spent a lot of time writing in the crap journal (a wonderful therapy assignment from Paul... I hear he likes to give that assignment to all of his patients now... poor souls!)

A week later, we went riding again. This time, we got lost... well... not lost, we just kept going in the wrong direction. That day changed me forever! I was dealing with all kinds of crap back then, and I didn't know where it was all coming from. I had just come home from CFC and was a mess... I was eating better, but not really where I needed to be. I wasn't sleeping, and I was barely BARELY surviving. I was dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, body memories, and I didn't know which was was up.

When we got lost, it meant riding a lot longer than I had planned. I wasn't prepared with dinner or snacks. By the end of the ride, I passed out and fell off the horse. I realized that if I did my part, maybe I could really enjoy riding. I could be present in the mountains and I wanted that. I wanted it enough to get myself back on track. I wanted it enough to speak up about how much I loved it.

Since then, a lot has happened... I have been riding almost every week, and sometimes more than that. I have become a pretty good rider, and I love it even more now than I did then. BJ bought Sunny, and I love that horse! I have been all over the mountains on some AWESOME rides! I have learned a ton about myself through the horses and riding. I have had healing through riding that I don't think could have come any other way.

I am a new person because of that ride a year ago.

On the ride yesterday, we went back to that same place. It was awesome to be there and to think of all that has happened in a year. There has been so much change, and yet... I still have so far to go. look forward to sitting on the top of the mountain next year and look back... Where will I be? What will it be like then? Who will I be?


  1. I love you and I am so glad that you have found a passion like riding.
    I am excited to check in one year from now and continue to see your growth.
    Im proud of you.

  2. I'm glad you've had so much healing come from your experiences with Sunny.