Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I wish it were that easy!

I am frustrated. My friend's facebook status is:
So I know why scum-bag guys exist!!! Do you??? Its because of the pathetic girls they date that LET them be SCUM-BAGS!! Come on girls, have some guts and speak your mind and don't get walked on!!! the end.
Do you think its really that easy?? Some of us were raised to believe we were worthless. Some of us were raised to believe a good woman DOESN'T stand up for herself. Some of us haven't had parents that taught us we COULD. Some of us were beat down every time we tried to stand up for anything. Some have never known what it was like to be treated "right." And some of us just don't like confrontation... telling us to just have some guts and speak your mind... is like telling YOU to never speak your mind again, to be quiet, meek and humble NO MATTER WHAT. You couldn't do it... Or at least it would be really, REALLY hard.

Who are you to judge me? As if its not hard enough to be treated like crap... and now you are going to tell me its my fault? I understand what you are trying to say, and I agree with the idea. but, have some compassion... I think of Brianne, or BJ, or Janyssa, or Elizabeth, or... and I wish people would stop saying such stupid things.

Yom Kippur

I was reading in Laurie's blog tonight. Laurie is a woman I don't know well, but I feel incredibly grateful for. Especially tonight, because she answered my prayers. I wanted to remember what she wrote, because I believe she has found the truth. For weeks, I have felt constant anger... and somehow, at this moment... it is gone. I am not angry. I am not upset. I feel grateful.

[Here is the excerpt from her blog. The bold are the phrases that stuck out to me most.]
"I usually forget about the High Holidays until they are here and then I almost always feel a longing--a pull--to get involved. This time, I completely forgot about Yom Kippur until it arrived. But, now that it is here, I am disappointed I did not plan better. I usually spend some time during the 25 hour period being aware and respectful of all of the people in my religion who are fasting and atoning for their sins. I love the Jewish religion and so many of the traditions that I grew up with. I usually do not fast on Yom Kippur and I almost always feel guilty for not doing it. I also feel guilty for anything I do that is not "following the rules", even though I am not completely sure what those rules are. I probably am not supposed to be writing a blog on Yom Kippur (even though they didn't have blogs when they created the holiday).

I have often wondered if God would consider it a sin that I have not fasted on Yom Kippur. I don't think so. I have decided this holiday to let go of any guilt about not doing it "right" and just following my heart and align myself with God as best I can.

Sin or "het" in Hebrew means "to go astray" or to wander from God. As I interpret it, the Jewish religion is not big on punishment for sins or going to hell. Moreover, the feeling I have always gotten is that if you stray from your alignment with God, you just need to go back and get aligned again. No fire or brimstone--just a realization that things need to change. It makes so much sense to me to have that time for prayer and turning inward where you are shut off from the world.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And when I am for myself, what am 'I'?
And if not now, [then] when?

This quote is by Hillel--a famous Jewish religious leader. In my mind, he is talking about taking time for yourself and getting a sense of who you are. What a great idea to create time to do that once a year to take time out from your "life".

What happens to me when I stray from God? I get angry,frustrated, hopeless.... and many other unpleasant emotions. What happens when I am aligned with God? I feel peace, joy and a deep connectedness to life.

I believe very strongly that God is not some man with a beard who sits in heaven in judgment of us. God is within each and every one of us and we can access that energy at any time."

I feel so much relief... Its hard to explain. I don't really care if the LDS church is true. Or the Jewish church... or the Buddhist church... or... I want to be aligned with God. Whatever that means. Whoever I need to be. I want to be with Him.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Let me be myself - 3 Doors Down

I can't sleep. My brain seems to be moving at the speed of light. So, now instead of trying to sleep, I am trying to pay attention to the thoughts racing through. The one that seems to be the strongest is a song:
Let me be myself - 3 doors down
I guess I just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain, But nothing ever helped
I left myself behind, Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around, and find myself some day

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time, Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

Would you Let Me Be Myself
Cause I'll never find my heart, Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day, Living in this cell
It's time to make my way, Into the world I knew
And take back all of those times, That I gave in to you

That's all i ever wanted from this world
Was to let me be me..
Please, would you one time, Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine, with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
And that song, makes me so sad! I don't know why... I don't know who I would be saying it to if I was saying those things...

My first thought was Dann, but Dann WANTS me to be me. He wants us to be completely open with each other. He wants to connect with me as much or more than I want to connect with him.

My family? I don't know... I don't have the energy to think about or care about them right now.

Me? Yes. That's it. I keep holding myself back, pushing myself down, beating myself up, and I don't know why or how to stop, but I hate it. I want something different.

Please, would you one time, Let me be Myself? No guilt, no pain, no heartache, no name-calling, no punishment, just let me shine with My own light. I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's OK. I don't need to hear it from Dann, my parents, or Paul or anyone else. Only you. Tell me its okay to be Me. So I can make a difference in my life and others'. Tell me its okay to be strong. Its okay to Be. Please, just let me be Myself! Whoever that is... whatever that means...

(Gah! This is so hoaky! but it was enough to keep me awake when I feel completely exhausted... so I'm going to go with maybe this is important, and post it anyways...)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A year ago

I love horseback riding. It was almost exactly a year ago that I rode for the first time...
On September 13, 2008 I wrote:
"Bishop Johnson took me out on his horse. I didn't know that was the plan, and at first, I really struggled because I felt guilty not hiking. At the same time, I loved it! I loved being in the mountains - moving and exploring without feeling the exhaustion of hiking. It was so awesome!"
I remember that first time riding... I remember how hard it was to let myself even get up on the horse, and then to admit how much I loved it. I was trying to figure life out... I spent a lot of time writing in the crap journal (a wonderful therapy assignment from Paul... I hear he likes to give that assignment to all of his patients now... poor souls!)

A week later, we went riding again. This time, we got lost... well... not lost, we just kept going in the wrong direction. That day changed me forever! I was dealing with all kinds of crap back then, and I didn't know where it was all coming from. I had just come home from CFC and was a mess... I was eating better, but not really where I needed to be. I wasn't sleeping, and I was barely BARELY surviving. I was dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, body memories, and I didn't know which was was up.

When we got lost, it meant riding a lot longer than I had planned. I wasn't prepared with dinner or snacks. By the end of the ride, I passed out and fell off the horse. I realized that if I did my part, maybe I could really enjoy riding. I could be present in the mountains and I wanted that. I wanted it enough to get myself back on track. I wanted it enough to speak up about how much I loved it.

Since then, a lot has happened... I have been riding almost every week, and sometimes more than that. I have become a pretty good rider, and I love it even more now than I did then. BJ bought Sunny, and I love that horse! I have been all over the mountains on some AWESOME rides! I have learned a ton about myself through the horses and riding. I have had healing through riding that I don't think could have come any other way.

I am a new person because of that ride a year ago.

On the ride yesterday, we went back to that same place. It was awesome to be there and to think of all that has happened in a year. There has been so much change, and yet... I still have so far to go. look forward to sitting on the top of the mountain next year and look back... Where will I be? What will it be like then? Who will I be?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Sorting it out...

A couple weeks ago... Dann and I had a pretty ugly fight - the worst since I have been home from CFC. He said some things that are still hanging around in my brain. They're pretty close to things I have heard from people all my life... stuff about what I deserve (or don't deserve), how selfish I am, and the list goes on.

He apologized. He promised he would be different. He has been working REALLY hard for a long time. I want to let it go (in a healthy way). I don't like that I keep repeating what he said - only I take it a step further than he did. In my mind, its not as if he was saying those things... more as if I accept them as truth, which is how I used to be. Its really screwing with me... bad...

Now that we're back from vacation, I'm trying to step back and think a little better. My opinion: Everything he said fits into one of three categories. There might be more, but this is what I have come up with:
  • What he said was accurate, and I need to change.
  • What he said was not accurate, but he still believes it.
  • What he said was not accurate, and he knows that, but he said it because he was angry and/or wanted to hurt me.
The next step will be figuring out which things fit where... And then sorting out the differences together. To be completely honest, this scares me. A LOT! It would be much easier to just pretend like I am ok now... only... I am not... At least not yet.