Saturday, June 16, 2012

My baby sister

My sister is going through the temple soon. I have a lot of emotions about it..

Most importantly, I am excited. I know she wants this, and it is something she has been working for and looking forward to. This is something that means a ton to her, and that makes me happy for her.

Secondary are my emotions for myself:
The date she has picked causes me some anxiety... Happens to be the same day I went through thirteen years ago. That was a pretty awful week for me... naturally, that date is triggering. The temple is triggering. Combine the two, and it's hard for me.

I am also afraid I will lose the friendship and the relationship that we have. She has been awesome and supportive of me, and I don't want that to change... And what if going to the temple changes her?? Then what??

As I write, I realize the thing that really gets me... the biggest, most painful emotion...

This is my baby sister. This is the girl that I changed her diapers and got up with in the middle of the night. This is the girl that went everywhere with me.

As a little girl, I'd go stay with my grandma for a week at a time, and I loved my grandma's. (Mostly because my aunt, Carol, was there, and Carol was COOL.) I hated leaving my sister for a whole week. I'd worry about her. I'd miss her like crazy.

I rarely missed a soccer game, a concert, a marching band performance, or anything else that she'd let me come to... I was there. Because I wanted to be. Because being a big sister to her was SO important to me. It was my life.

When I was a teenager, and I knew I needed to go to treatment, I didn't want to go, because I didn't want to leave her for that long. When I moved out, when I moved to Southern Utah, when I got married (both times), I had a hard time leaving her...

And there were SO many times when I wanted to end my life, I wanted to die, but I didn't because I didn't want to hurt her. 

And now, she is doing something that means a lot to her, and I won't be there.
Even though I don't like the temple. Even though I disagree with so much. Even though it drives me crazy, and triggers the hell out of me, and I don't want to be there, I'd go because I want to be there for her.

When I left the church, she was one of the first people I told. She told me she loved me and she wanted me to be happy. Later, she told me she was sad, because she knew one day she was going to go through the temple, and she wanted me there... I was almost willing to keep trying just for her.  (Gratefully, she told me not to do that.)

I'll be at the dinner after. I'll even sit outside the temple and wait if she wants me to. I just want to be there to support her... and it's killing me that I can't support her the way I want to.

An update... I wrote this, then called to tell her I was going to post it. She told me I was funny. According to her, I AM supportive. She doesn't need me to be there, and she told me to stop worrying about it. So, I'll still be at the dinner. I'll still wait outside. And I'll be happy that I can be ME, and she can be her, and we'll all love each other exactly as we are.


  1. Your sister sounds like a great person. I hate that the church separates family at times like this.

    1. She is! And I do too... except that my sister and I won't allow it to separate us. (Which is one of the things that makes her so great!)

  2. Your sister sounds like a very sweet girl. Temple ceremonies are tough for people on both sides but it also sounds like both of your hearts are in the right place.

    1. I think the thing that makes the temple tough is when we (meaning people) get caught up in right vs. wrong. A lot of people in my sister's situation would have looked at me, and believing the temple was the "right" thing to do, would have pushed me to "make myself worthy". She didn't. She understands that it isn't right for me.

      Lots of people in my position (post mo) would have pushed her to not go, told her all of the reasons it was wrong, but I didn't do that. I understand this is something she wants, and I want her to be happy. I trust her to find her own way.

  3. It's okay sister, I'll gladly wait outside with you! :)

  4. If it's just the endowment ceremony that's triggering, there is always the option (provided you have a temple recommend) of just going straight to the Celestial room and waiting for your sister there.

    1. No recommend. I haven't been to church in almost three years... although my recommend only just expired in April. Weird.

  5. I remember how much you would miss her when you would come stay. I remember thinking, "I hope someone loves me like that someday." You are both lucky to have each other.
    I'm sorry that it's hard, and triggering for you.
    But, this line...
    "So, I'll still be at the dinner. I'll still wait outside. And I'll be happy that I can be ME, and she can be her, and we'll all love each other exactly as we are."
    ...Makes me happy.
    I can't be there because my R- girl needs me that day and it's killing me.
    I also have to say that I always-Always looked forward to having you come stay. Being with you made me happy (and still does). I kind of always thought I bugged you a bit. I hope I didn't too much.

    1. I had to laugh at the thought that you bugged me... I was a little kid... The fact that someone as cool as you would take time for me felt awesome.

      Have a great Saturday with R-girl - and I'll give Mellen an extra squeeze for you. :) Love you!

  6. Can I just say "I'm happy"? I am happy for all of you, for the good people you are, for the way you love each other and the way you love me, for the happiness you have found for yourselves and for others. You are just an awesome group of people who gratefully I can call my family. Thank you!

  7. I'm happy that you're happy. I wasn't sure how you would feel with Mellen going through the temple. I was happy to see you waiting outside the temple. I wasn't sure if you would want to be there. Mellen was really precious. I think she was a little overwhelmed to have so much support from so many.

    1. So... I'm slow... I was just going through the comments and saw this one. Yes. I think she was overwhelmed and very precious.