The real reason I was upset, and it wasn't what I thought it was.

Todd's son lives in another state. He moved there a while ago, and Todd hasn't been to visit. They've asked him to come, but it hasn't worked out yet.

A couple weeks ago, we bought plane tickets. Todd talked to them before we bought the tickets to make sure it was okay, and it was. Last night, he got a phone call: we can stay there, but we won't be sleeping in the same room.

I didn't see that coming.
I'm sure my own family doesn't love that I live with Todd, and we aren't married, but it stopped being an issue before it ever was an issue with them. We went on vacation with my parents and siblings, and it didn't seem like they cared. We have stayed with Todd's siblings, his parents, and his daughters, and it didn't seem like an issue with any of them.

I was really upset.
I am aware that asking us to sleep in different rooms isn't a horrible thing to ask.  It seemed illogical - even to me - to be so sad and hurt.
Illogical or not, it hurt.

Here's the reason. It has nothing to do with religion or intolerance or them not liking who we are or all the reasons that made sense at first. It has everything to do with what they are really asking of me (without knowing it of course).

I have a tough time at nights. I've learned to cope, and I can sleep in my own house, with Todd next to me. I learned to cope before I was sleeping with Todd - but now that THAT is my normal, it will take a long time for me to readjust. And honestly, with Todd, I feel safe in a way I never felt before. I still have some sleepless nights, but mostly his presence has changed my nightly battle completely. I coped in the past. Now, I rest.

Any new place is hard, but with Todd there, I can get comfortable. Even in my house, when he's not here, I struggle.

At night when he's not around, my body and my brain go on high alert. Hyper-vigilance is the technical term. I am aware of every noise, every smell, every movement, and they all feel like a threat. I can think it through and know I am safe, but I can't think and sleep at the same time. As I start to fall asleep, thinking brain turns off, and my PTSD brain takes over. That is a scary place to be. I stay awake all night thinking it through, so I feel safe, and morning comes without rest.

With him there, I don't have to think, I just feel safe. (Most of the time.)

Four nights in a new house with other people in it, I can pretty much plan on not sleeping at all.
(It's made worse by the fact that one of the people there is male. I'm not afraid of Todd's son when I'm awake, but there's nothing rational about the PTSD brain when I want to be sleeping.)

I feel broken. I feel crazy and stupid... and sad.
A grown woman who can't feel safe enough to sleep without someone else there. And it's just not fair... (I know, life isn't fair, so... shut up... but for just a minute, I'm going to whine.) I didn't choose this life. I didn't choose for any of the stuff that happened that left me with an inability to sleep without a lot of help. If Todd goes on a trip without me, I don't sleep. I will rarely go on trips without him, because it's not really worth not sleeping. (It turns out, now that I sleep regularly, I really like it. Even one night without it, makes me cranky and tired.) I make do with the way things are, but it sucks. It's sad. It's just really sad that I have to deal with any of this.
I'm broken. I'm crazy. And I didn't choose any of it. And I feel stupid and ashamed, as if there is something that I could have or should have done in the past... or in the present... I shouldn't talk about it. I should pretend to be fine, but I'm not... and there's a crazy battle going on in my head about what I'm supposed to do. 

So, do I talk to them? Do I tell them what's going on for me - maybe they will change their mind? Maybe they won't. (I fully support them making decisions for what they accept and/or expect in their home. With more information, they may make a different decision, but it is still their decision to make.) At least if I'm honest, I can know I was honest.

Do we just go and get a hotel room?

Do I stay home, knowing I may not sleep, but at least I will be in my own house? Todd can visit his son and his family, and I don't need to be there.

Do I do what they ask, and deal with the consequences, which might not be as bad as I suspect they will? Maybe I'll be fine...

We could always just get married to make them happy... But I'm thinking that is a bad reason to make a decision like marriage.

Here's what I know.
I want to go. I want to stay at their home. I want to have a relationship with them, which makes me want to be honest with them. I'm afraid. I don't like talking about past traumas, and I REALLY don't like talking about how it still effects me. I don't like writing about it anymore. I don't like paying attention to it (when I can ignore it). I don't like telling other people about it, and seeing the look in their face when they realize some of what I've been through. (It's a good thing I've been going to therapy, where I spend a good portion of the time letting Wendy empathize with me and the horses support me. Ugh.)

They have every right to make whatever decision they will make, and I will support their decision for their home. I also want to take care of myself, which means if they decide to still have us sleep in separate rooms, it's probably not a good idea for me to try to sleep there. There may come a day, but I'm not there yet.

Also, I'm not willing to get married just to make them happy, or so that we can stay in their house in the same room. (I also don't really think that would make them happy, or it is really what they would want anyway. Just wanted to say, if it was what they wanted, I'm not willing to do it.)

Going fishing with the guys

I was invited to go on a four day fishing trip. I will be the only girl there. We will be camping and sleeping in a tent, fishing during the day, and I am really excited.

And nervous. A long time ago, I was raped in my sleep. Many times.
My nights are a million times better than they once were, but I still have nightmares occasionally and night terrors fairly often, and a tent with four other men could be incredibly problematic for me.

I've been invited before, but didn't go, because I was afraid of trying to sleep.
This time, I decided to do it differently.

I talked about what my nights are like. I asked for some accommodations that will make my trip more fun. We talked about sleeping arrangements. We talked about how they can help if I do have nightmares or night terrors. (BJ will be there, so I told them to just trust him.) I also promised to take care of myself - which means if I don't sleep at nights, rest during the day.

I feel guilty - that somehow I am a burden on my friends.
My friends have insisted that they want me there, and what seems like a huge deal to me is really no big deal to them.

The trip is six weeks away, but I can hardly wait.

The Stranger

So, reading this... I had an incredibly HUGE emotional reaction. The kind that I get when something big is changing in my mind...

The nightmare started when I was five. The "Stranger" would come in my home. He'd hurt my family if I didn't do what he wanted. I could protect some of them, but never all of them. Its been a lot of years, and I still have nightmares. (Although in the last 8-9 months, they have decreased tremendously. Round about the time that I decided I wasn't going to let fear or guilt run my life anymore. And I quit trying to go to church. And live the way they wanted me to live. And I started being more honest about who I am.)

In therapy, we have talked about what traumatic event might cause these nightmares. (I have a lot of them, but none that I could trace back that far...) Paul even talked about casting out evil spirits. We had so many sessions to talk about evil spirits. Possession. Oh. No.

At five, is when I started to understand how evil and selfish I was. That's when I started to try to change everything about me. When I was no longer good enough as just me.

In the book, The Voice of Knowledge, he talks about that very thing. When we learn words, people start to teach us that we aren't good enough. He shares the story of Adam and Eve, and says that eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge introduced us to the biggest lie there is: The lie of good and evil. The lie that WE become good or evil based on what we do. say. or think.

The Stranger has tormented me for so long.
And all I had to do to be free of him, was to listen to me.

I'm still really, REALLY emotional. Feeling a little crazy... but I'm used to that. I have been through this enough to know that once THIS feeling passes, everything will be different.

Stroke of Insight - Sleep

It was a while ago that a friend of mine suggested the book, Stroke of Insight. I bought it, but then couldn't convince myself to pick it up and read it... A few days ago, I picked it up again...
SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!

The book is about a brain doctor who suffers a stroke. Dr. Jill Taylor tells what it was like to literally "lose her mind" and then find it again. Reading about her recovery, reminded me of my own...
She talks repeatedly about the importance of sleep to. I marked several passages about it:

"On and off throughout the day, the energy in my body waxed and waned from a little bit of energy to a completely empty tank. With sleep, my reservoir filled a little and then I spent that energy trying to do or think something. Once my reserve was used up, I had to go back to sleep. I learned that I had no staying power and once my energy was shot, I fell limp. I realized I had to pay very close attention to my energy gauge. I would have to learn how to conserve it and be willing to sleep to restore it."

How many times have I experienced that completely drained feeling... limp... but I forced myself to keep going? lots...

"Over the course of several years, if I didn't respect my brain's need for sleep, my sensory systems experienced agonizing pain and I became psychologically and physically depleted."

Ummm... sounds like almost everyday of my life... hmmm

"I firmly believe that if I had been placed in a conventional rehabilitation center where i was forced to stay awake with a TV in my face, alert on Ritalin, and subjected to rehab on someone else's schedule, I would have chose to zone out more and try less. For my recovery, it was critical that we honor the healing power of sleep. i know various methodologies are practiced at rehabilitation facilities around the country, yet I remain a very loud advocate for the benefits of sleep, sleep, sleep, and more sleep interspersed with periods of learning and cognitive challenge."

I believe rest is far more important than anyone understands. So many people pushed me, saying, "It's depression." It WAS depression, because things weren't right, and pushing... didn't really help.

Slowing down, resting, laying down in my little corner... is so necessary. Going s-l-o-w is when I process the past trauma and things change. The more I push, rush, hurry, etc... Everything gets so jumbled, I forget my own name.

Dear Body,

I understand you have been through a lot. I completely get your need to throw temper tantrums, but right now is a very bad time. You see... we are so worn out. We need to rest. We need sleep. We do not need any more body memories, night terrors, panic attacks, etc.

I am completely willing to go through the shit you insist on putting me through, but just not tonight. Please, will you chill out for just one night??

I am glad that we have worked this out. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Sleep,

Why do you hate me so?
Every time I start to drift off... everything tenses... my muscles ache.
Head throbbing. Want to run away. Scream. Cry.
Can we come to some sort of agreement?
Meet me half way??

Oh well... never mind...
See you tomorrow??

I am safe

I am safe.
I am in this bed alone.
No one will hurt me.
It is ok to be afraid.
It is ok to cry.
I am stronger than these emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
If I need anything, BJ is in the next room.
This blanket keeps me warm and protects me.
I can feel that I am here, in this bed, in this home.
I am safe.

Sleep

Last night was an incredibly rough night... probably one of the toughest ones I have had yet. It made me start thinking about how to keep myself safe, how to get sleep at night, and how to start gaining some independence.

My first thought was about eating disorder recovery. I had to protect mealtime, and almost make it a sacred time. There were no arguments allowed. No conflicts. No emotions around the food. I could eat, I could have pleasant conversation, but I wouldn't play with recovery by trying to mix emotions and eating.

I thought of sleep. I have a lot of strange attitudes towards sleep just like I do food. I don't believe I deserve to sleep. I believe if I sleep at all, I am lazy. I feel like I am a better and stronger person if I don't sleep. Those crappy beliefs coupled with the flashbacks, nightmares, and night terrors have done a number on me.

Somehow, I have to protect my sleep time like I have protected mealtimes. I need to force myself to go to bed. I need to do my best to ground myself and make myself feel safe before getting into bed. In bed, I need to make it a positive atmosphere. I don't know how to do all this, but I am trying to remember how CFC helped us. I know they were careful to have a calm schedule from 8 until we went to bed at 10. We also took meds at 9 - which I could do. Lights out at 10:30 - no matter what. I don't know...

I don't have a plan yet, but I will learn to protect my sleep as carefully as I protect my eating.
(UGH!) I feel like such a loser! I don't need sleep. I am being silly. I can handle staying up late. I can handle not sleeping. I can handle whatever it is. I haven't had a bedtime since I was like 8... except for when I was at CFC... and now I am thinking of imposing one on myself?!? (BLAH!)