A fork in the road: Do I try to change the world? Or just go fishing?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a desire to start some kind of center for PTSD. BJ had a big vision: Something like the Huntsman Cancer Institute... Since I'm not a billionaire, that idea isn't a workable possibility. BUT. The vision sparked something in my dad.

Every time I have seen him or talked to him since then, he has brought up new ideas that ARE possible. Put together a training for doctors. Work with the local PTSD therapists and the local hospitals to educate medical professionals. Make a website with a list of all of the professionals who have been through the training. Put together a list of resources. (Therapists, doctors, dentists, groups, treatment centers, books, blogs, stories, etc.)

(Pause to recognize how much I LOVE that my dad is bringing this back up. I would have let it completely drop, but he's inspired me to keep thinking.)

I admit, I feel torn.
On the one hand, I feel super excited and passionate about this idea. I could start contacting people, help to create a training. Be the organizer. I used to do that for work, but that job wasn't nearly as personal as this would be.

On the other hand, at this point in my life PTSD and abuse are not part of my everyday existence. There was a time when my everything revolved around trauma and the effects of trauma. That isn't the case anymore, and I am glad. I don't want it to be. I want to walk away and never think about it again.

I work at a job that has NO connection to mental health, eating disorders, trauma or abuse. I love what I do. I think it's fun, and I'm excited for what the future holds.

I live with a wonderful friend and we have a great time together. We laugh and talk and play, and I'm excited for our future together.

I have a lot of hobbies and passions that make me feel happy and alive, and I am trying new things all the time.


If I start investing time and energy into this idea, will it trigger my own trauma? Will I be thrown back into my past, and the memories? I don't want my life to always have trauma and icky stuff in it. Will I be able to enjoy my life AND follow this idea? Will I be able to keep myself in a good place and help others?
I don't know. And if it will cause me to have nightmares or sleepless nights, would it still be worth it?

I think so.
And I just don't know.

(And when it all comes down to it, it's going to take a lot of work, and who knows what will even come of it? At this point, I'm just trying to decide if I want to pursue pursuing the idea.)

It isn't hard if it's done right

A week or so ago, I got brave on Facebook and did a status about BJ.

"I never thought it was possible to enjoy being with another person this much. I always thought love was work. This love doesn't feel like work at all."

People who don't know me very well, and don't know Todd at all, and have no idea what I am really talking about said things like, "That's because it is new." or "I give it a month."

Our love and friendship aren't new. Me admitting I love him, and I like being with him, and letting myself be comfortable with the idea that he also loves me - those things are new. Other people defining us as a couple and not trying to convince them otherwise, that is VERY new.

But I've loved him for many years.
My relationship/friendship/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit with BJ doesn't feel like work.
Jeff wrote a blog post about his relationship with his wife, and why he believes marriage isn't work.

He said some things that I have felt, but haven't been able to find the words.

It isn't hard to spend time with BJ. It isn't hard to go fishing. It isn't hard to stay up late working. It isn't hard to listen to him share his thoughts. It isn't hard to hold him when he's crying. It isn't hard to let him hold me when I am sad. It isn't hard to share myself with him. It isn't hard to tell him when I disagree with him. It isn't hard when he disagrees with me.

A few days ago there was an article in the Salt Lake Tribune about what happens when one spouse loses faith (or gains it). There was a quote that really resonated with me.

 "More than likely you divorce because one or both of you couldn’t tell the difference between control and love."

I have been in relationships and friendships that felt like work... and do you know WHY they felt like work? I was trying to control them. I was trying to change them.

I thought it was my job to reform them. Get them to wear a white shirt and tie to church. To go to church. To treat me nice. To get a job. To exercise. To eat different. To go to therapy. To date the "right" person. To stop dating that person. To change their haircut. To stop telling certain jokes.

I had a list of things that I thought other people should do... and when I was trying to change the other person, our relationship FELT like work. It was hard. It was not fun.

In the past few years, I've learned more about me. I've learned about healthy relationships. I know the difference between love and control.

I can say I love BJ, because I have no desire to control or change him. I love who he is. I love the way he treats me. I love spending time with him. I love working, fishing, playing, laughing, crying, talking. I appreciate who he is. I also feel loved by him. He doesn't try to change me. He loves the way I treat him. He loves spending time with me. He appreciates me.

I am in the process of discovering lots of amazing things...
And I just think that when love is done right, it isn't hard, and it doesn't feel like work.
Like Jeff said,

"If you met a painter who truly loves to paint, and you see a magnificent painting they have created.  Do you think they will talk about how hard it was to paint?

Will a car enthusiast talk about how hard it was to restore that classic vehicle?

Will someone who loves photography talk about how hard it was to take that amazing picture?

I don't think so.  If you truly love something, you give it your all.  And you never think it was that hard, because you would have spent the time anyway."

Her urethra inspires me

(Subtitle: I don't want to make light of a shitty thing, but my hope is that at least one person will find it funny... and if you don't, let me know, and I will change it immediately.)

WARNING: I'm about to get graphic about sexual abuse. Stop reading here if you don't feel up to reading about it.

In the past few weeks, I have watched one of my favorite people face shit and fears and SHIT and she's pretty much my hero. Some things, like her situation, have to be faced because it's life or death. Some of my fears don't HAVE to be faced, but watching her courage made me want to be brave.

I know that most people don't understand my fears. They seem silly (even to me). And to compare them AT ALL to what S is facing... but if she can do what she is doing, then of course, I can get over my little fears.

I used to have a half-tooth in my head. It broke off more than a year ago. I figured with it broken that bad, there was no way they could save it, so there was no rush... Except what I REALLY thought was:

HELL NO! I WON'T GO!

The last time I went to the dentist was in 2006. I didn't have them do an exam. It was for a molar on the other side of my mouth. It had broken in half, and I just had them pull it. And before that, I'm not sure when the last time was.

I hate the dentist. I am aware that very few people like going there. It's painful. It sucks to have someone shoving things in your mouth. It's miserable. I get that I am not alone in my general hatred for dentists.

My fear and hatred is similar... and different.
I don't mind the pain. To be clear, I don't LIKE pain, but I can handle pain. I don't like people shoving things in my mouth, but I can handle that discomfort... sort of.

I can't handle them laying the chair back, getting in my space, and trying to keep myself in the present moment while feeling pain and having someone shove things in my mouth.

WARNING: The next paragraph is graphic. Stop reading here if you don't feel up to reading about it.

Laying on my back will probably always be problematic for me. Beyond being just a vulnerable position in general, it is the position I took over and over and over. Sometimes that position resulted in the painful shoving of his genitalia into my own. Sometimes it was the painful and disgusting shoving of his genitalia into other places. While sitting on my chest. And holding my head.


As the dentist puts back the chair, I fight EVERY time to remind myself I am at the dentist and not somewhere else. I fight to remind myself I am safe. No one is going to hurt me, except in the way that will help my teeth... but it is SO familiar and so close to that feeling... that horrible voiceless, powerful, painful, disgusting feeling.


I watched my friend go to the doctor, and I watched her face a long list of things that would trigger her. I came to the conclusion I had been a coward long enough. So I set up the appointment.


It turns out dentists are used to people having anxieties. My dentist had a questionnaire that asked about anxieties... and how he could help... and he and all of his assistants actually read my answers.

They asked what they could do to lessen my anxiety.
I told them to leave me sitting up as much and for as long as possible. Which they did.

Partway through the checkup and cleaning, I could feel myself slipping away.

(For those who have never dissociated, I'll try to explain what it feels like to me. It feels similar to passing out, except I don't actually pass out most of the time. Instead, my consciousness goes way back into the back of my head. Sometimes, I just stay there and I can observe what is happening to my body in the present, but I can't do anything to control my body. Sometimes, my consciousness goes so far away, I am unaware of my surroundings. Sometimes, I experience flashbacks. As far as my consciousness is concerned I am reliving past experiences. It FEELS like I am being raped, or molested, or I'm fighting for my life, and it FEELS almost impossible to tell the difference between the past and the present. I've learned a few tricks to bring myself back... almost none of which can be done in a dentist's chair.)

I started to shake. The hygienist immediately stopped and asked if there was anything she could do to make it better. I told her to just talk. Tell stories. She noticed my sweatshirt with horses on it and started telling me about training her horses. It was a topic I get pretty excited about. I focused on her stories, and that kept me present. (The fact that I could focus on stories will tell anyone who has ever dealt with flashbacks or dissociation how far I have come. Just listening to someone else talk would never have been enough a few years ago.)


They gave me the list of what work needed to be done. Wisdom teeth out (why?), a root canal, two crowns, and four fillings. Not bad considering how long it has been. Then it came time to set the appointment to come back. My chest got tight. I wanted to cry. The dentist was good and asked again, "How can we help you with your anxiety?" He told me the work they were going to do would require that they lay the chair all the way back, and probably have to keep me back for a while. We talked about "laughing gas". It's purpose is to relax people, but not only does it not relax me, it has made things worse in the past. He offered Valium, or something like it, which meant I had to have a driver. I was somewhat relieved, because that gave me an excuse to ask someone to come with me.


So, I got my Diazepam. I took it an hour before my appointment like they told me to. It didn't do anything until about two hours into the appointment... About the time they were all done, I suddenly just wanted to go to sleep.

As I was leaving, I saw my little "grounding guy". BJ's granddaughter gave it to me when she was only two or three. She told me to hold it when I was sad and it would make me smile. It is small enough that it went with me everywhere for a long time. I decided to take him with me to the dentist.

"Grounding guy"

BJ drove.
I was impressed with the staff. They tried hard to be accommodating and empathetic.
I still freaked out.

Causing myself pain sometimes keeps me grounded. Therapists and professionals don't usually like this technique...

I didn't know I'd twisted myself into a pretzel.

I pulled out grounding guy. BJ talked to me. The dentist and his assistants tried to make me laugh, which was helpful.

I survived.They will seat the crowns in a few days.
There really isn't a "happy ending" to this story... but I decided to write about this... and to actually post the pictures that BJ took... because although life is good, and I am happy, I'd be lying if I said I never had to deal with trauma-shit. I do. I have had nightmares and bad nights since the appointment. Flashbacks, where I relive the worst moments. It sucks.

I want to tell this story, because I think it's important to talk about the effects of abuse. I think it's important to help increase understanding. I feel a huge desire to educate people about what it's like to live with PTSD.

No one would have known how freaked out I felt. No one would have known how icky it felt to be in that dentist chair if I didn't tell this story... I wear a good mask on my face. I pretend pretty good when I want to... but I'd like to create a world where people like me don't have to wear a mask. They don't have to pretend that they are okay when they feel like the world is crashing in around them.

Maybe if I talk about one stupid little visit to the dentist, I can make a difference.

Happy Chocolate Covered Strawberries Day!

A few days ago, BJ asked me if he was supposed to do something for me for Valentine's Day.

Although I know how much he doesn't like the holiday, and I am also aware of how silly I think the holiday is... I still wasn't quite sure how to respond. So I said the only thing that came to my head.

Oh. Please. Don't!

Sigh of relief from both of us.

I know this is a strange reason to enjoy being with someone... but I appreciate that he can tell me the history of the holiday. I appreciate that he doesn't feel the need to celebrate or have a desire to do so. He doesn't buy chocolates or roses in February. Actually, he would never buy me chocolates or roses, because he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't be a fan. He especially wouldn't buy them this time of year, because they are blasted expensive.

He would bring home a few chocolate covered strawberries, because we both like them. A lot. And they seem to only be available at this time of year. He doesn't expect me to make a big deal of this day, and in fact would not find that amusing... unless I did it sarcastically... then he'd get a kick out of it.

He would plan a wonderful day for me the day after Valentine's Day. (My birthday)
We went to the State Capitol for a rally. (We were on the local news, but you can't really tell it is us... unless you know that I was wearing a bright green hoodie and a black ski cap... and he was wearing his felt brim fishing hat.

We went to Cabela's. We looked at fishing stuff and decorations for the house.

We ate fish tacos at Rubio's.

We went snowshoeing.

We went to dinner at a local cantina. Live music. Salsa Bar. And he invited some of my favorite friends. We all talked and laughed and were silly... AWESOME time together.

I'm feeling loved and happy and grateful for my life.

Happy Vday!

So... I actually signed up to go to a rising event. There were two of us there... but two of us in a small town like this one? I met a new friend, and she cares about some of the same stuff I care about.

She is an amazing dancer. I... just appreciate the cause...




We didn't do any dancing. We just talked and got to know each other.
Even so, it felt empowering.

This Time

Justin sometimes sends me new music he thinks I'll like. He hasn't been wrong yet.
Here is the one he shared today. Also. I think I just found a musical I need to see...



Lyrics:
Now, I'm standing here the sunlight is soft and warm.
Is this a gentle paradise or only the eye of the storm?

This time will I just give in when the rain starts to pour down?
This time will I start to swim or will I start to drown?

Now, I'm walking alone as the wind circles all around.
Waiting for the slightest move or the first unexpected sound.
This time will I raise my shield when the hunters spot their pray?
This time will I stay in the field or will I run away?

From who I am,
And what I want,
And what I can find,
And who I will be.

Now, I'm moving along as the twilight begins to spread.
I take in this moment as the clouds gather overhead.
This time will I see what's true when the lightening streaks through the grey?
This time will it blind my view or will it light the way?

To who I am,
And what I want,
And what I can find,
And who I will be.
And all these questions in me, are fading away as I suddenly see;

I can embrace everything behind me. And find the place where I finally find me.
Now, I run with you as a new sun begins to rise.
 I can see forever through these endless big blue sky's.

Now is the only time.
Here is the only place.
This is all I want to be.
This time I can see the view.
This time the sun will shine through.

This time. This time. This time.

Happy Birthday to me!

It isn't my birthday yet... but yesterday was my family's birthday celebration for me.
I was excited all day. I felt really silly, so I tried to discount my own feelings.

It's just a dinner. With ice cream cake and presents. It's not THAT different from any other Sunday when we all get together.  BUT. It WAS different. We were getting together FOR me. Just to celebrate that I am alive, AND I'm excited about that.

I'm not sure how I felt about my birthdays when I was younger. I probably liked them, but at some point my own birthdays started to annoy me. I didn't want to celebrate me. I hated me. I didn't want to celebrate being alive. I wished I wasn't. I didn't want to celebrate living another year. Surviving felt like a silly reason to celebrate. I didn't want presents. Presents made me feel guilty. I don't like them singing to me and feeling like the center of attention. I didn't want to inconvenience my mom with a special dinner. I felt guilty when she did anything special for me.

My birthday felt like an inconvenience and nothing to celebrate at all.

This year. I WANT to celebrate. I feel giggly and silly and excited to celebrate.

It's great to be alive. It's great to be me. It IS totally worth celebrating that I lived another year, because this past year, I LIVED! I like presents. I LOVE eating dinner together. I didn't have any special requests for dinner... except "fruit stuff"*.

I love the goofy way my family sings happy birthday. There's nothing like it... and no two renditions are the same.

On my actual birthday, BJ and I are going to the state capital to lobby against a bill. (HB68 was written by Rep. Kay L. McIff as an attempt to protect the HB141, also known as the "Public Waters Access Act". This bill directly affects us as fisherman and could affect the public because it changes who owns public water.)

The rest of the day is a surprise. BJ asked me what I wanted to do, and the only thing I wanted was to do something. He took that as license to plan a surprise. I used to hate surprises, but I'm not hating this one. He knows me well enough, and I like doing enough different things... I'm excited to see what he comes up with.

Mostly... I'm excited to be excited to be alive.



*Recipe for "Fruit Stuff"
16 oz bag frozen strawberries
1 can peach pie filling
1 (small) box peach jello
1 can mandarin oranges
1 can pineapple chunks or tidbits
a bunch of bananas.

Mix it all together and let it chill.

Not because I'm bored, but because I'm not sleeping.

60 questions about me:

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

• Holy Now by Greg Tamblyn
• Transcendence is by Lindsay Stirling
• One Voice by The Wailin' Jennys
• The Mermaid by Great Big Sea
• Home by Phillip Phillips
• Imagine by John Lennon

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
On this earth? I don't know. Maybe Kate Zooties... We've talked on the phone many times, but have never met in person.

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"And then I saw the problem. Damn it! While the electric wires were brackets on the inside, the fence itself had been strung up on the outside of the poles." ~The Elephant Whisperer by Lawrence Anthony

4. What do you think about most?
One thing? I think about a lot, a lot. I guess the thing I think about the most would be work, because that's where I spend most of my time... but when I'm just thinking to think, I think about people and ideas and books and beliefs...

5. What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"MAGIC needs to be at least a two day trip. I don't want to miss out on making business contacts. The jewelry should be here tomorrow. I'm liking you." -BJ

6. Do you sleep with __ or without __ on?
Pajamas? With.

7. What's your strangest talent?
I know the Item ID for every item my work sells. That's hundreds of items.

8. Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Probably. I don't know.

9. Do you have any strange phobias?
snails. I hate snails.

10. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Not that I know of. 

11. What's your religion?
I don't claim a religion...

12. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
horseback riding, fishing, hiking, taking pictures, sitting and reading, snowshoeing

13. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
I like both. I really enjoy taking pictures, but it's fun to see the pictures others take of me.

14. Simple but extremely complex. Favourite band?
I don't have one. Lately I really like the Wailin' Jennys.

15. Do you believe in karma?
Not really.

16. What does your URL mean?
?? stillme-thejourney? That came from the foundation Dann and I started to help people with PTSD and/or eating disorders. Nothing much came of it, except this blog.

17. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Nope. But I'd like to.

18. How do you vent your anger?
Writing. Swearing. Talking about it. Crying.

19. Do you have a collection of anything?
books. Does that count?

20. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Never tried video chatting, so I guess on the phone.

21. Are you happy with the person you've become?
YES!!!

22. What's a sound you hate? A sound you love?
Hate? Fighting. Love? laughs, loving, music

23. Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
I don't know. Sure.

24. Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first?
The stamps.com scale.

25. Smell the air. What do you smell?
popcorn

26. What's the worst place you've ever been to?
I don't know. I hate the dentist, but that doesn't seem like the WORST place.

27. Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
Europe!

28. Most attractive singer/actor of your opposite gender?
Colin Farrell

29. To you, what is the meaning of life?
Living and loving

30. Do you believe in luck?
Sort of. Luck is how I would describe some things that just happen... Sometimes we like what happens, and we call that lucky. Sometimes we hate what happens, and we call that unlucky.

31. What's the weather like right now?
Snowing. Cold.

32. What time is it?
2:35 AM

33. Do you drive?
yes

34. What was the last book you read?
The last one I finished? Wind in the Door. I'm currently reading Les Miserables.

35. Do you have any nicknames?
Ernie, but that was a long time ago. Recently, I got the name "Super Scuba" which I love only because I love the person who gave me the name.

36. What was the last movie you saw?
The Smell of Success, except that I fell asleep... the last complete movie I saw was Lincoln

37. What's the worst injury you've ever had?
Probably broken nose and bruised back when I fell off the horse.

38. Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yes. But more, it just landed on me.

39. Do you have any obsessions right now?
not that I can think of.

40. What's your sexual orientation?
demisexual.

41. Ever had a rumour spread about you?
Yes. Lots of stories and rumors. Apparently I'm very scandalous.

42. Do you believe in magic?
Like Harry Potter magic? no. Like the amazing connection and the miracles that happen all around us that just can't be explained (yet)? Yes.

43. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No. Sometimes I wish I could. It might make my life less complicated.

44. What is your astrological sign?
aquarius

45. Do you save money or spend it?
I save it SO I can spend it. I used to really REALLY hate spending money, but then a couple years ago I used up all my savings to go to Germany. TOTALLY worth it. Now I let myself spend money to travel and do fun things.

46. What's the last thing you purchased?
boots. Fuzzy moccasins. Are they not adorable? (I cut off the pom poms though. They were a litlte too pom-pom-y for me.)


47. Love or lust?
Love.

48. In a relationship?
Yes.

49. How many relationships have you had?
Every friendship, acquaintance, whatever is a relationship. We are all connected... Therefore I have had and will always have thousands of relationships.

50. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
no. But I admit I just tried

51. Where were you yesterday?
Working. Tuesdays are order days.

52. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
No.

53. Are you wearing socks right now?
yes.

54. What's your favourite animal?
I love all animals. Horses have a special place with me, but I can't really say they are my favorite. I also love dogs, hedgehogs, cats, goats, lizards, some snakes, and bugs.

55. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Don't have one. I am me. If you like ME, then awesome. If you don't like ME, then it's better for everyone if we know that before we try to spend countless hours together. (I learned this the hard way.)

56. Where is your best friend?
sleeping

57. What is your heritage?
Mostly European

58. What were you doing last night at 12am?
reading

59. What do you think is Satan's last name?
That's a silly question.

60. What is the best thing about you?
THAT is a very subjective question. The thing I like best about myself is my desire to keep pushing and growing and learning. I like that I question a lot, because the more I question, the more I learn.

I won!

Checkout the Brodie Awards for 2012.

Living IS the point won
and
Heavenly Codependency tied for a win.

Cool.
Thanks to all those who voted for me!!

The alone-ness of PTSD.

The past two weeks have been full of emotions.
Most recently, I went with a friend of mine to have a medical procedure done. The procedure itself was not a huge deal. NOT fun. Definitely not pleasant for anyone. But throw in a little PTSD, and what is mildly uncomfortable for others becomes a traumatizing moment.

I came back from that experience angry. Anger confused me. Angry at what? or who?
Sad and angry that she is having to go through any of this? Yes. What else?
Angry at the fucked up person that abused her? Hell yes!! And there's more.



A week ago, I went with K to her doctor's appointment at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I don't know how it is other places, but every person who goes through cancer deserves to be treated the way they treated her. Compassionate, professional, knowledgeable doctors and staff. At least two staff recognized her walked up to her in the waiting room to give her a hug and talk to her. The doctors had all been working together and reviewing her scans and files to come up with the best solution for her cancer. BJ and I were in the room with her, plus three people conferenced in on the phone, plus several others who would have been there if she had wanted them there. She was surrounded by amazing and loving support.

I was so glad to see K had all those people and resources. I wish she didn't have to go through this. I love her, and would do anything I could to be helpful, and I was only one of many.


A few days ago, there was a funeral for three beautiful people. The family they left behind were surrounded by love. So many people willing to help, bring food or flowers or heaters, drive shuttles, decorate, offer a hug, a kind note, take pictures, and more that I couldn't even see. It was beautiful to see all of the love, the shared sorrow, and the support.

No one should ever have to go through that kind of loss. No amount of love from people could take the pain away, but there were so many that were willing.


As I sat in the ER with my friend, she tried to explain to the nurse that she had major PTSD.
"What? Were you assaulted or something?" (Just in case anyone is wondering, NOT a very helpful way to word that question.)
My friend asked the doctor for something to calm the anxiety, he offered a small dose of Ativan. He didn't ask what she normally took. He didn't stick around and listen when she tried to explain that Ativan doesn't do much for her.
Twenty minutes later, when the nurse asked if she felt the effects, she said, "No."
The nurse went ahead anyway, and when she saw my friend's tears, said nothing, finished the procedure and ran from the room.

I understand that doctors and nurses have a lot on their plates. These people meant no harm. I understand that my friend probably wouldn't want a room full of support at that moment. (I'm not sure she even wanted me there. I just told her I was coming... and then told the people at the front I wanted to see my sister. She didn't kick me out, so probably okay that I was there.)

It's just... I feel angry and sad that someone with PTSD has to go through it all SO alone.

Typical for me, I wasn't able to put to words the feeling when it was me. Watching someone else go through an experience that is similar to my own, I feel sad for the alone-ness of PTSD.

People don't understand. Doctors, nurses, and professionals don't get it. Most friends and family can't understand what it's like. They can't understand the pain, the confusion, the mixed up ideas, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the loneliness, the depression and anxiety, the guilt, and the shame.

So much shame associated with the abuse and the PTSD itself. I felt like I couldn't let people know what was going on. I didn't want them to think I was crazy, attention-seeking, broken, or screwed up. I couldn't handle the stupid things people would say (Things not to say, Stupid things people say)  - it was better to be alone than to have to take care of someone else when I was hurting.

Flashbacks were so personal and so frightening, I didn't want to go through them alone, and I didn't want to have anyone else around while my body was going through that. I was lucky to have BJ. He seemed to understand what I needed, and just sat with me.

Sexual abuse is so personal, so perverse, and so painful... It's hard to talk about. (Sometimes impossible to talk about.) Even now, I don't like talking about it. I still feel very raw and afraid when I tell someone I was molested or raped. Just those words make me want to crawl in a hole.

(And recovery means you stop talking about it... Why is that?)


I shared some of these thoughts with BJ.
He said he wished he had money like the Huntsman's had money.
He would start a big complex just for PTSD research and treatment. There would be doctors of all kinds who were trained in their specialties as well as in PTSD. The place would feel kind and compassionate, and they'd have an ER. There would be therapists, staff, and caseworkers. 

It would be big enough that the community would get involved. There would be high school choirs singing or guys playing piano in the lobby. And home-made stressballs made by people in the community available to anyone who wanted one.

They would research the brain, and how to overcome the effects of trauma. And have cutting edge treatment and technology to give every person the best chance of not only surviving but living life to the fullest after survival.

They would have a place where someone could go when they couldn't sleep, because it was too hard to stay grounded AND sleep. Staff and therapists willing to just be with someone who is hurting that much.

Most of all, it would be a place where people wouldn't have to feel ashamed. Not of PTSD symptoms. Not of the abuse or trauma. Not of needing extra support or love or attention.

Suddenly, I wish I was a millionaire. I would like to be a part of creating that place.



Until someone has the money to create such a place, what can be done?
Is there anything that can be done, so that people with PTSD don't feel so alone?

I want there to be more that I can do. 

Life and Death. Hope and Sorrow.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions this past week. I wrote about one of the highs. Today, I'd like to write about the lows.


Last week, I went to visit BJ's sister in Montana. Two hours before BJ and I got there, she got a phone call from her oncologist. It wasn't good news. He said things like
"Stage 4" and
"noncurative" and
"maybe treatment could buy some extra time, but...."

The next few days BJ and I went through the ups and downs and backs and forths with them.
In one of the conversations, she asked what I would do. I told her I would want to LIVE, not just exist. If treatment could only by her more quantity of life, but not quality of life, I wouldn't want that. I would want to live until I die.

She asked BJ what he would do. He said something similar.

Her husband said this seemed to be the less shitty of two really shitty choices. 

We talked about nutrition and natural healing. She has been studying about the power of the body and mind, and asked me if I thought the body could heal itself. ABSOLUTELY. I've experienced the kind of healing that people weren't sure was possible. My broken body and mind has become mostly whole. If I can overcome that, there are so many amazing things that are possible.

When it was just BJ and I, we cried. I felt sad and hopeless.
Both K and R have made me feel loved and accepted. They make everyone feel loved. They deserve to live loving and happy lives. I LOVE being around the two of them, because they are so loving and kind and fun to be with. Their wedding was so healing for me - changed me.

I felt angry that she wasn't getting what I wanted her to have. I felt sadness for her husband. He was so lonely for so many years, and then he finally found K. And now they were going to go through hell together, and for what? She was going to be in horrible pain until she died. How is that fair? He would go back to feeling lonely. My heart ached for him so much, I couldn't handle it.


And then I'd go back to thinking about the amazing machine that our bodies are. The miracles I have seen happen. I'd feel hopeful and scared.

Her oncologist had suggested surgery - even though the way he talked about it didn't make it sound like much of a solution. She decided she wanted to have all of the information from all of the sources she could find before making a decision. She drove back with us to meet with the surgeon in Salt Lake. This doctor had much more confidence in his ability to treat her, and was much more hopeful.

He said things like,
"completely cured"
"do everything you have always loved to do"
"pain and treatment for a year, and then LIFE"

I felt huge relief. She is tough and positive and amazing. A year of hell will be HELL, and it isn't fair, and she doesn't deserve this, and it fucking sucks... and then she can get on living the life she deserves. I will be there to support her any way I can. (Even if it's just swearing in the bathroom with her.) BJ will be there. Her friends, parents, her daughter, her husband's kids, her other siblings and their families... She is SO loved by so many. She'll continue to inspire and touch so many people's lives.



The next day I was out with a friend when BJ called me to tell me that another friend, Jen, had lost her daughter in a car accident. Kel was nine months pregnant with Jen's first grandson. Kel's fiance was also in the car along with their dogs. All of them were killed. In an instant, their little family was just... gone.

As I struggled to find out the details, and learn how Jen and all of Jen's friends and family were doing, my heart ached. I thought of the excitement Jen had felt when Kel got engaged. When she found out she was going to be a grandma. I thought of all the stories I'd heard of Kel. She was passionate about animals. She had a gift for understanding and loving animals that made me want to be like her.

I thought of all the times Jen was there for me. The way she listened and helped me feel loved, the things she taught me about loving myself. It isn't fair that she should have to face such a devastating thing.

Kel's brother posted on Facebook that he'd trade places in an instant.
Jen's best friend, and a dear friend of mine, tried to keep everyone updated on details of what happened and funeral plans. While also feeling her own hurt, and loss, and sadness.
Kel was planning the wedding of her dreams, and now Jen is planning a funeral. Somehow trying to honor the fairy tale day with the end of the fairy tale.


Neither of these stories are mine... but the pain, the loss, the fear, the sadness, the love, the joy, the connection is mine. And I feel a sense of gratitude just being a part of the beautiful parts of humanity. Today I am feeling hopeful for K.  I also feel scared for K and for her husband. I don't know what they will have to go through. I am feeling broken hearted for Jen. I am feeling gratitude for all of the love I have felt from so many. I am in awe of all that is this life.

I don't really have words for all of the emotions that I feel.
Just tears. Many tears. 

Surprise! (So, that's what we'd do in Montana in the winter...)

In October, BJ and I went to visit his sister and her husband in Montana. We had such a great time: We went fishing, watched movies, laughed, and talked. Shortly after we got back, BJ and I started talking about wanting to go back.

In November, he had the thought, "Wouldn't it be fun to go out there and surprise K?"
Brilliant idea, so we started trying to schedule it... Holiday season made work super busy, plus family parties, and all of the other things going on... Talking to her husband, we finally scheduled the visit for January.

In December, she came here for a niece's wedding. We went out to dinner and played games one night while she was here, and I thought I was going to bust. She was trying to convince BJ and I we needed to come visit. He kept telling her there was no way we were going to go to MONTANA in the winter. "What on earth would we do in Montana in the winter?"

"We could go sledding, or build snowmen, or go to a movie, or just hang out and play games and talk. We'd have fun, but I understand if you want to wait until spring to come."

(It's a good thing she wasn't looking at me during this conversation. I couldn't contain my giggles.)

We decided it would be fun to meet her at a restaurant. Her husband would ask her out to dinner, they'd walk in, and we'd just be sitting there waiting. The day before we were supposed to leave, there was a "severe storm warning" in Utah, Idaho, and Montana. BJ and I were stressing about trying to drive in the blizzard conditions they described.

My Facebook status read:
"Blasted winter storm warning! Might make me change my plans, and I don't want to change my plans..."

The only person to respond was K, "What were your plans? Sometimes we have to make new plans, but they can be even better than we originally planned."

It was so perfect. I told her exactly what my plans were:
"Oh, just dinner with some friends... but if the roads are bad, I'll have to reschedule."

The roads weren't good. Kind of scary. But we were too excited to postpone. It took us an extra couple of hours to get there, so R (her husband) had to find reasons to postpone leaving for dinner. (It turns out, that wasn't hard, she got a phone call with bad news at the time they were going to leave.)

We got to the restaurant about ten minutes before they did.
BJ texted her and said, "Just thinking about you. Love you lots."
She texted back, "Love you. So, just what were you thinking?"
"I guess... just that I wish you lived closer. I'd love to give you a hug right now."

She didn't respond to the last text, because they had pulled up to the restaurant.
They walked in, and she just stopped and stared at BJ. She said all that was going through her mind was, "That guy looks just like my brother."
Then she looked at me (I had a camera in my face, to video this reaction.), and thought, "That lady looks just like Jen. What the hell is going on?"

Then R laughed and said, "We've been planning this for months!"
And then there was a bunch of hugging and laughing and crying.

It's been a week and a half, and we've been hanging out and having a blast (and sharing tears and stories, but that's for another post). But I still smile when I picture her face. Feeling pretty grateful to have been part of such a fun thing.

And just for fun, here's pictures: 

Welcome to Montana...

When she finally realized that WAS her brother, and he was in Montana.

This is how we watch football. Poor R was feeling sick, so he didn't even get to see his 49ers play.

They got a little tired and a little bored waiting for BJ and I to see everything we wanted to see in the museum.

Welcome to Montana. Where everyone puts their wipers up at night, so they don't freeze to the windows.

I thought this quote was cool. The museum was amazing... so much to see and learn and talk about.

Today's Prayer

I know YESTERDAY I posted about my family's response to being more open about my life and therefore my friendship with BJ. Today, I'm fighting to keep myself in a healthy place.

Help me remember that I can't control others.
No one needs me to protect their feelings by hiding the truth.
I can't protect everyone, and they wouldn't want me to (really) anyway.
It's none of my business what other people think of me (although I will always try to be aware of how I affect others.)

Help me to trust the people that are closest to me and love me, at least until I can trust myself again. Help me to remember why I want to stop hiding, and why I chose to stop running away.

Help me to find the place of love, rather than fear.
Love for myself. Love for others. Love for the journey I am on.

I feel loved by the people that I love.

BJ spent some of the holidays with my family. I was worried...  I was afraid of questions. (Questions that I don't necessarily know, nor care to explore the answers to.) I was afraid that everyone would push to know what my relationship with BJ is. (I am very happy with what we have, and I don't want to try to define it for anyone else. Labels just make me feel crazy.) I was afraid of judgments. (The word "judgments" doesn't cover all that I was afraid of. I was afraid of my family acting like I've seen others act. Judgmental. Opinionated. Critical. Self-righteous. Controlling. Abusive. Etc.)

I didn't know how they would react, and I was afraid and anxious. I had no reason to be. It turned out so much better than I could have imagined.

They all welcomed him with open arms. He said he felt loved and accepted and comfortable.
(Of course, anyone would have told me I was being silly for feeling afraid. Parents and siblings all know and love BJ. They come to visit. We all hang out. Grandparents came to visit, and then we went fishing. My aunt sent me a text, personally inviting BJ, and my Grandparents have said several times that BJ is always welcome. Still... all evidence aside, I was a tiny bit anxious.) 

At the family Christmas party, we were playing a game, and I drew the question, "What do you like most about the person sitting next to you?" I wondered for a moment if the game was rigged... and then felt grateful that I got to answer that question for everyone to hear... Defining our relationship feels scary and upsetting... Telling people why I love BJ, what I love about him, and why I am glad he is in my life: That is easy and I LIKE doing it.

After the games, we talked with my uncles and aunts about camping trips and fishing trips we've been on, and then about plans for future trips. I felt so comfortable. At home even. We all laughed and told stories, and it was... fun. It turns out, they don't really care what my relationship with him is. Their only care or concern is, "Are you happy?"

The answer to that question is, "Yes," but the answer to that question would have been a "partial yes" if I had had to deal with the questions, the judgments, or any of the things I was afraid of. I know that I'm not supposed to let other people rule my emotions... choose my own happiness and all that... but....

I WANT my family to love and accept me. It's easier to be happy when I have a loving and accepting family. It's easier to be happy when I don't have to choose between what is best for me and what my family wants me to do. It is easier to be happy when they just want me to be happy. I know I can't control that. I know they have every right to think or say or do whatever the hell they want, but the truth is... I want them to love me. I want them to love and accept BJ. I want them to be a part of my life, and I want to be a part of theirs. I want them to know ME, so they can love ME. Pretending that I don't want that, is just plain silly.

There are lots of things in life that I might want that I don't get, and if I didn't get the love and acceptance, I'd deal with that. I might walk away from my family, because if they can't love ME, then what is the point? I might hide from my family, and keep secrets if I thought that is what I needed to do in order to have a relationship with them (and if I thought that was what was best.) I might busy myself making new friends, and create a family of non-relatives. I might insist that it was MY life, and if they wanted me in it, they would accept ME. (And then let them make the choice.) I would do what I had to do... I would find a way to make life worth living, whatever that meant, and I am SO grateful that I don't have to do any of that. I am so grateful that I get to be me, live my life, AND have a loving family.


I feel loved. They don't care what I do, who I live with, what my relationship is... except that they want to know me and be a part of my life.

(Why is it so hard to describe what it is like when people have healthy boundaries that lack judgments? Maybe because the way they acted was healthy and normal, but I'm not used to people being healthy and normal. So, I want to describe the healthy and normal, but it's hard. The ones who know what healthy and normal is don't need the description... and the people who have no clue probably won't understand my descriptions anyway.)

I count myself one of the most lucky people on the planet... I feel loved by the people that I love.

New Years Resolutions I might actually do:

to do list:
1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
2. Wear shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on a street corner.
4. Get into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."
5. Major in philosophy (or psychology works too). Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell, "It worked!" and run out cheering.
7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. (I don't get this one. Feel free to explain it to me if you do.)
8. Change name to Simon. Speak in the third person.
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement. (This one is my favorite).

Merry Day After

My "Tuesday with presents" was even better than I could have imagined.

My Christmas tree. With presents under the tree. (They almost all fit.)

I went to my parents house and opened presents with my siblings and parents. It was nice and fun and relaxing. I was given gifts that felt like ME. Every single gift was perfect. I felt very loved. The book  (Elephant Whisperer) from my dad. The DVDs (Wild Horse, Wild Ride and Despicable Me) and dishes (something I've been looking at for a year) from Dann and Justin. The book (Hiking: Ruins Seldom Seen) from Jeff and Robyn. The game (Bananagrams) from Zack and Delta. The ornament (a teddy bear riding a stick horse) from my mom.

I also love watching by family open presents. Jeff gets so excited. I love watching Dann and my mom watch everyone else. I love the looks when someone opens a gift that is perfect. I also love the looks when someone opens a gift that isn't quite perfect, but they try to pretend like it was. I just love seeing everyone just being.

My brother built a fort of presents on top of me. There were more down around my feet.

BJ and I went to see Les Miserables together. I wanted to see the movie with him. I wanted to experience that story with him, because I wanted to talk about it all with him after. When we went to the play, he had a hard time following the story. In the movie, you can see their faces and understand their emotions better. I wanted to watch him watch the movie.

The movie was amazing. I've seen the student version of the play countless times. We went to see the professional version last year. I've listened to the CD a million times and played the music on the piano and in various orchestras. I forgot that I know the music and the story by heart. The actors were so incredible, I felt like I was hearing it all for the first time.

I love seeing movies with him, because of the way he draws parallels to his own life. He learns things everywhere he goes, and he listens when I talk about the things I thought. We sat and talked and cried after the movie. Then he went to spend more time with his kids and grandkids, and I went to visit my grandparents.

We all met back at my parents, and hung out for a little bit, and then he and I came home to open our presents to each other. We had decided we wanted to end the day together... I gave him his presents. He gave me a camera. A really nice one with two different lenses and a ton of camera-y functions. (I don't know the words for everything yet, and I definitely don't know how to use them, but I'm excited.)

He said he's been thinking about this gift for years. He appreciated my eye... the things I see, and he wanted to give me an even better way to capture what I see. I cried. I took out all the pieces: the lenses, the lensehood, the flash, the tripod, the carrying case for it all, the memory card, even the battery and charger, and cried with every piece.

My Christmas tree. After opening presents. It's in there somewhere, I swear.

Then this morning, I woke up and started crying again.
I have never asked for a camera. I love taking pictures. I love sharing the things that I see. I feel like there's a piece of me in every picture I take. We have several of the pictures I've taken hanging on our walls. Horses. Fishing. Mountains. Skies. They aren't bad, but I feel like I was just handed a tool that will make the things I see even more capturable (yeah, I just made that word up). He saw something I wanted, but I didn't even know I wanted it. That feels... good.

I feel SO loved. Not just by BJ. But by my parents and siblings (and their spouses). And Dann. And grandparents. And aunts and uncles and cousins. Sometimes, feeling loved is such a surprise, I feel overwhelmed. I still don't quite know how to handle it.

So, Merry Day After Christmas. Thank you for loving me, and for making the day even better than "just any other Tuesday, except with presents".

What would it look like if you weren't hiding?

There's been a growing frustration in my head.
It started as a nagging in the back of my mind, and has grown just a little each day. It suddenly got huge yesterday. I couldn't put it in words until I was talking to my sister.

She helped me find the words, "I feel like I'm hiding. I don't want to hide anymore."

That prompted a conversation with BJ. I told him what I had felt while talking to Mellen.
"I feel like I'm hiding, and I don't want to hide anymore."

He asked the question, "What would it look like if you weren't hiding? How would things be different?"

Not much. There's not much that would be different on the outside. The difference would be in my head. I spend a LOT of time trying to anticipate how everyone else will feel and what everyone else will do.

If I say this, will it make someone mad?
If I do this, will it hurt or offend someone?
If I do this, will she make life difficult for or hurt someone else I care about?
If I don't do that, will people be disappointed?
If I am this way, how will it affect them? How will that affect others?

So, how would it look if I wasn't hiding?

I'd be less worried, afraid, scared of angering people that will hate me no matter what I do. I'd be less concerned about what labels people attach to me, and just BE me. I wouldn't worry about how anyone else defines me or my relationships and just BE.

And I would just hold BJ's hand whenever we wanted to hold hands.

"At the right time, in the right light, everything looks extraordinary."

BJ and the pelicans.

The neighbors' sprinklers

Them just being them at a lake in Montana. This picture just makes me happy.

My favorite.

Just like any other Tuesday, except there's presents

Christmas. It's a hard time of year for me. I generally like to avoid it.

I haven't had a tree in three years. This year, BJ and I had talked about cutting down tree and having the horses help get it out. We never got the permit, so that didn't happen. Then we talked about buying a tree, but neither one of us have any decorations. No lights. No ornaments. Nothing. (I had a box of ornaments from an ornament exchange, but they got ruined.) We went to various stores (both together and separate) to find Christmas decorations that fit him, me, or us.

I had about given up. And then, by accident, I saw this:

Charlie Brown Christmas tree. With presents (Thanks to BJ's sister.)

I loved it. BJ loved it. It was perfect.
And for a moment, I forgot that I get stressed by Christmas. I got excited. I got all my Christmas shopping done in the next twenty minutes. (I love Amazon.)

Christmas could suddenly be what I wanted. There were no shoulds. No have-tos. No, "If you don't do it the way everyone else does it, there's something wrong with you." Just the question, What do YOU want?, and the answer can be anything.


Since that day, I've gone back to feeling anxious. Afraid I'm not doing it right. Pressured to try to make everyone happy. Depressed. Sad. Overwhelmed. Frustrated with myself for not being "normal". Angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed.

So now, besides my funny little satirical tree, I'd like to make some other changes to my Christmas season. No more anxiety. No more expectations. No more guilt. No trying to make everyone happy. No trying to hang on to "normal".
I'd like to let go of all of that.

Maybe it could just be like any other Tuesday. Except there's presents.

Blerg.

On my mind is Christmas, Pants, tragedies in Connecticut, and a few other thoughts that won't leave me alone.

What's the most important thing to write about?
I don't know.
Which is why I haven't written anything yet.

An exercise in empathy (guest post from a friend)

The following was written by a friend of mine as a response to the church's new website.

From Esteban (a gay ex-Mormon)

"As a heterosexual, you've never had to even think about it. Because heterosexuality has never been deemed sinful in your life, you simply have always had the freedom to express yourself through touch, feel, affection, and sexual expression with anyone of the opposite sex. You've only had to stop yourself from full sexual realization until you were married, assuming you were actually able to do that. In other words, your sexual orientation was never in play as a possible threat to God, only your possible breach of sexual activity outside of marriage.

If your own desire for women/men was deemed a sin, you might begin to empathize with what it's like to be gay. Without telling yourself the story as to why gays are wrong per God's command to multiply and replenish the earth, imagine for just a moment if your desire right now inside you for women/men was sinful. Not just sinful outside of marriage, but sinful all the time, every minute of your life. Imagine that your deep core gender attraction itself was deemed an abomination.

Let's take this empathy exercise even further: Imagine for a moment that you were told that God only saw homosexual relationships as righteous and worthy. I know, it's hard, just try it for a moment. You wanted to please God, your parents, everyone around you. And you were told you could change your sexual orientation to be homosexual even though you're skeptical and know somehow that it might be impossible. But you know to be saved and to follow God's Plan, you must. And so you launch in to trying to like women/men with a reverent, God-centered mission. You even marry a person of the same sex and everything, but deep down you know you're kidding yourself and you start to want a person of the opposite sex, because let's face it, you're wired that way.

OK, back to your own life. That is never going to be your fight, but would you compare that empathy exercise of being attracted to the wrong gender the same as being addicted to drugs or alcohol? No, of course not, because love isn't a substance like drugs or alcohol. Your sexual attractions are hard-wired and you cannot change that.

Up until a few days ago, the Mormon Church told you that you were NOT born that way. That you were choosing somehow to be homosexual/heterosexual. But look now! The church is saying that you ARE born that way! Woah! That seems like a big change! That seems like it might be the answer to a lot of frustration and angst! So if you are a gay Mormon and you're now born that way, what changes for you?

Besides now being on the side of Lady Gaga, nothing changes for you. But wait! Why not? You were just told that you were born that way! That's freaking awesome, isn't it??? Well, lets examine it a bit closer:

So even IF you're born gay, the church still believes that ACTING on your core, born-with sexual orientation is still sinful. That hasn't changed. So if that hasn't changed, what has? Nothing has changed. You see, telling gay people they're born that way and still maintaining that homosexuality is sinful as an action hasn't changed at all.

Gay Mormons weren't waiting to be told they were born that way, gay Mormons were waiting to be told they're just as in un-sinful, valid, and valuable in God's eyes as heterosexuals are, even if they can't multiply and replenish the earth. You see, your sexual attraction to women/men was never about having babies in the first place, it was about being able to freely touch, feel, express, and fully sexualize your domestic relationship with your chosen partner. That whole "having babies" thing is superfluous to love, to loving the way you need it.

And so sadly, the new website, the new big change really isn't any change at all. When Lady Gaga sings about being born that way, she then goes on to sing about loving that way, too.

And so gay Mormons are just as stuck as they were before. The new big change is just a tragic sadness. It's a façade. It's a new smile on the same old doctrine of pain and suffering. Can gay Mormons now go to church and hold hands with their domestic partners, their husbands, wives, and loving spouses? Can they hold them, kiss them, express to them how much they love them like all the other heterosexual couples God loves unconditionally? No.

As a matter of fact, IF a gay Mormon, whom are all now born that way according to Mormon leadership, actually try to love their partners, dates, spouses like those same Mormon leaders do, they'll be sinning. And not just sin because they're doing it outside of marriage, but because they can NEVER touch, feel, show affection, or have any sexual contact with them ever. Ever as in forever.

And not only that, but the Mormon Church believes that homosexuals will be corrected as part of the resurrection process to become a perfect heterosexual person. So what they're really telling you is to never have a relationship at all because you cannot ever love them eternally, even if you feel like you love someone that strongly. Even if you feel in love, a love as strongly as those Mormon leaders love their spouses.

Because IF you remain a celibate gay Mormon in love in this life with the person you wish to eternally love, your core being will be changed to heterosexual and you will not be able to love them anyway because they still believe homosexuality is a sinful abomination that must be changed.

You are born doomed. Forever doomed now that you're born that way. You see? Nothing has changed at all. Gay Mormons are just as doomed now as they were before this latest big change that hasn't changed a thing."

Love, the church PR dept (an angry rant on the church's 'gays and mormons' website)

I feel angry and sad and ANGRY. (You have been warned. I'm pissed.)

The church recently released a new website... A few of the straight Mormons I know are super excited about it. "SEE. Look. We are nice and loving. SEE!!!"

Many of the gay Mormons are not so excited. (At best, this as seen as a baby step. The hope is that MAYBE there will be less gay teens on the streets.)

This is what I see this page as:

An abusive man. He beats his wife. He degrades her. He makes her life a living hell. She stays because she knows nothing else. He beats her because that's what husbands do.

There are rumors that he is a wife-beater. He doesn't want to be known as that. He KNOWS he is a good, kind, wonderful man. People just need to understand him better.

So he puts out a website... all about how wrong it is to beat your wife. He talks about loving her and accepting her, but he makes sure to point out the sin of divorce.

The website is simple. It says, "don't beat your wife, but wives, stay with your husbands no matter how much he hurts you."

ALL of the wife-beaters LOVE the article. It's beautiful. Warm. Fuzzy. And makes them feel secure in their current relationships.
Many people look at the surface of it and say, "Well. It's an improvement. Baby steps. At least he's making some effort to change."
But the woman, the one who has been beat by that man over and over and over, she feels even more hurt, betrayed and disgusted.

She knows he hasn't changed. She knows he still beats his wife. She wishes he would just own that. If he would at least have the decency to be honest about who he really is, then she could get help. Now, when she tries to talk about the bruises and the pain, people point to his website and say, "No. He doesn't beat you. Look. It's right here - he talks about the evils of beating your wife. How can you say he beats you?"

A few months ago, I was asked to sign a petition asking the church to apologize for the things general authorities have said about black people. I refused. Not because I don't want to see the church apologize, but because I don't believe that people should grovel for an apology from them. If the church CARED about the people they have hurt, and they WANTED to make a change, I'm pretty sure they could figure out how to apologize and just do it.

If enough people signed a petition, and pushed them to apologize. (By making it more of a public relations nightmare by NOT apologizing.) They would apologize. But I don't want THAT. That kind of apology would be just as real as the abuser's apology. No REAL remorse... just a fear of the consequences.

The leaders of the church have to know that people have been hurt by racist statements made in the past. (And continued racist doctrine.) At this point, it isn't hurting THEM enough to give a damn.

Gay relations are different. They created a nightmare for themselves with Prop 8. The whole country is shifting, and the leaders of the church know it. If the internet had been around in the 1970's, I'm pretty sure there would have been a similar webpage. (Here's someone's idea of what it would have looked like.)

This website is a nice mask, but they are not changing their abusive ways one fucking bit. And I know, they have God on their side, which makes it okay to be ignorant... But if you're going to be ignorant, at least own it... but instead...

Dear Gay People,
We now are willing to say you were born that way, even though we have said something different many times for many years. (We weren't WRONG, we just can't have all the answers.)
We're also aware that marrying someone of the opposite sex is a bad idea. We won't push you to do that anymore.
So, now we just want you to live alone the rest of your life. Never hold hands. Never have a close intimate relationship with anyone. No sex. No family. Nothing. EVER.

Good news though, in the next life you can be happy. But don't kill yourself... That's not the answer... Just live for the next fifty years feeling lonely, isolated, and sad. We'll call you a hero if you do that.We admire the strength you have to keep on living when living is hell.

You're amazing.

And parents, don't shun or disown your children just because they are gay... but acting on their gayness is a sin, therefore you can't REALLY accept your gay child. You shouldn't love them as they are, you should try to change them into something that they're not... Because God's love is conditional like that. Oh. And Family. Family really is the purpose of life. (But only if your family looks like OURS does. Everything else is an abomination.)

We love you so much, can't you just feel it? (It probably means there's something wrong with you if this doesn't feel like love to you. You should probably do something to get over that.)

With love,
The church PR department (because we all know the General Authorities are going to keep saying the same old shit they have always said. And their shit will contradict our shit. Good luck trying to figure that shit out.)

Now that I'm done writing...
I understand I could probably effect more change and understanding if I said this differently... But I'm angry and I'm tired. I'm tired of talking softly, so that abusive assholes will listen. The truth is the abusive assholes WON'T listen. If I talk softly, they ignore it. And if I yell and scream and swear, they say, "You're too angry," and they dismiss me. So, right now, this isn't about them. It's just about me writing MY thoughts. (And letting you read them if you feel like it.)

Maybe I am being selfish with my angry rant. At this moment, it is more important to me to express my anger and my frustration than to help others. But I also want to help others... So, here is a list of posts from Clive Durham . He says what needs to be said without the sarcasm or the fuck word. (And if you didn't make it this far.... That's okay, I'll put this list in a new post too.)

I love gay people,...but...
I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle
I love you and accept you, but…you have to acknowledge that you’re broken and as a result, live your life the way I feel is best.
I love you and accept you, but…stay away from my children.
I love you and accept you, but…you must live your life alone, without love, companionship and intimacy.

You are good. (or why I care so much about LGBT issues)

I get really passionate about LGBT issues.
A lot of people have thought I am gay/lesbian because I get so passionate. (I'm not.)
The question always comes next, "Then WHY do you get so worked up about it?"

Because I know what it's like to go through life feeling "less than". I know what it feels like to feel like I am unacceptable, bad, different, etc. I also know what it feels like to accept and love myself, and I want that for EVERYONE.

Everyone deserves to feel loved and accepted for who they are.

Today, Dan at Single Dad Laughing came out. His prayer, "Please God, don't let me be anything but straight," brought me to tears. Please read it. He describes the pain, fear, and confusion so well.

I thought of all the prayers I said, "Please God. Just make me different. Make me GOOD."
I also thought of the answer that finally came, "Jen, you don't have to change a thing. You are good just the way you are."

I want everyone to know, "You don't have to change a thing. You are good just the way you are."

Check the facts... and then believe them

One of the skills I learned in therapy was "Check the facts".
Basically, although the emotions we feel are very real, sometimes the stories we tell ourselves that create those emotions aren't real.

A very simple example: No one has called me on my birthday, they don't love me, they don't care about me... Check the facts and find out your phone was off. Several people tried to call, but couldn't get through. They left voice messages. Suddenly the emotions are gone, because the story wasn't accurate.

One of the stories I believed came from another person. Lolly has said that my presence made people uncomfortable, everyone hated having me around, and I was hurting other people by being.

I believed her. I didn't question it. It didn't even cross my mind to use my skill of "checking the facts", because I really believed what she said was fact. BJ didn't believe her... He told me to talk to the people that supposedly hated me...

I was anxious. I was scared. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I didn't. The conversation went like this.

Me: I don't want to cause problems, or make things difficult for you and I know you care about Lolly, and I don't want to change that either... What I'm trying to get at is.... She said that you hate having me around, and that you don't want me here, but you are too nice to say anything. I want you to know if that's the case, I don't need you to be nice for nice sake, you can tell me to never come around again. You can be completely honest with me.

Claire: To be completely honest, before I met you, and I'd only heard Lolly's side, I didn't like you. I wouldn't have chosen to have you in my life... but... then I listened to more of the story, I met you, I spent time with you, and that is not how I feel at all. You're a sweetheart, and I'm glad I know you.

That conversation was several months ago. That should have been the end of it, but I still didn't believe her. It was easier to believe that I was hated, and Claire was just too nice to say so. Two months ago, she called to invite me to dinner in her home, and also said I was welcome ANY time. I still wouldn't believe her. Logically, I know that trusting Lolly to tell me what Claire thinks and feels, and NOT trusting Claire is irrational and silly... but it's hard to let go of the belief that people don't want me.

The truth is, it has nothing to do with Lolly or any of the stories she tells. I BELIEVE that I am not wanted. Deep down, I still play the same message that I have always played, "The world would be better off if you didn't exist." So, every time someone else agrees with that message, it breaks me apart. I believe the false story over the real story. I cling to it. (Like a fucking crazy person!) For whatever reason, it is scary to let go of that old belief... don't know why... I might figure that out later, but for now... I'd just like to let go.

I'm tired of believing the old shit. I'm tired of that old message. It wasn't true when I started believing it (whenever the hell that was), and it isn't true now. (I'm not saying that everyone loves me, that would be just as ridiculous, but I know I am loved. I also know that the people who tell me they love me now, can mean it, because I have let them get to know me.)



And... on top of it all, the one thing I know for sure: There is a lot of peace in knowing what IS, instead of pretending to know and believing what is NOT.