While meeting with Bishop Campbell, at first I felt so sad - I really missed Bishop Johnson. Bishop Johnson knew me so well, he could almost read my thoughts sometimes.
I had prayed about what to talk about with Bishop Campbell before I went. I didn' feel much while I was there... mostly I was just trying to get to know him, and get a feel for him. Near the end of our meeting, he asked me if I was thinking something. I told him I was thinking lots of things.
He asked me to share just one thought.
And it became immediately clear - the only thought in my head was how much I missed Bishop Johnson. I didn't want to share that. I didn't want to make Bishop Campbell feel bad. I didn't want him to think that I didn't trust him as the Bishop. But, since I had prayed, and that was the ONLY thought, I shared it.
He asked me if I had clicked with Bishop Johnson the first time I met with him. The answer was a resounding NO. It had helped me to think back to the way things were, and to see my progress. I have made a lot of progress.
I understand myself so much better. Sometimes I feel like I have known what I know now for a long time, and so why am I not doing better? But then I remember it was just a year and a half ago that I started talking. It has only been a year since I first admitted I was abused as a child, and a little over a year since I realized that what Larry did was rape. And although I have felt angry at Dann for a long time, I also have felt like I deserved the things he said and did. Its only been recently that I have started thinking about how I deserve better.
I used to sit in the Bishop's office for an hour and never say anything, because I felt so guilty taking up his time. Then I would feel so guilty for taking up his time, and not even saying anything, and I would have to punish myself more. I couldn't talk about anything except the eating disorder - everything else was too painful. I would feel so angry, but felt so guilty for feeling angry. He would have to push so hard to get the slightest thing from me.
I would sit there and long to ask for a blessing, but felt so unworthy, I would never ask. The few times he offered, I would say yes, but then fight against it. I no longer hesitate to ask for a blessing. (most of the time)
I am grateful that I was reminded of my progress. I am grateful to see how far I have come. I am grateful that I have come so far. I know it is through His help. I am sooo grateful. I will continue to walk the path that He lays before me. I am grateful for His guidance.