Monday, January 26, 2009

Things I should have said but didn't

There are so many times that I know what I need to say to take care of me, but I stop myself. Today I stopped myself because I didn't completely trust Bishop Campbell. Other times, I find other reasons. It doesn't matter WHY, I should have said these things while I was meeting with him.
  • "No, I don't have a car. I plan on walking home. This may be a dumb idea, because I have been very dizzy and shaky all day."
  • "I am currently on medication that makes it so I feel almost nothing. I would like to continue feeling nothing, but I also want you to push me to feel something."
  • "It hurts when I pray. I wish I could make you understand, but I don't know how. All I know, is that it hurts. A lot."
  • "I am angry at some of the things you said in church today. I want to talk to you about it, and I want to understand what you really meant."
  • "Don't talk to me about feeling the spirit when I read scriptures... I don't feel it when I read, and I feel a little angry about that."
  • "Please, please, please text me, call me, let me know I am not alone. I desperately need your help. I am not as strong as I want you to think I am."
  • "If you get to know ME, I have a lot I can teach you."
  • "I am so afraid of letting you in. I am afraid you will judge me. I am afraid you won't understand. I am afraid of the work it will take to help you know how to help me. I am afraid of feeling the loss I felt when Bishop Johnson was released."
  • "I am going to go sit in the bathroom and cry. I am not sure why I am crying. This frustrates me a lot. I am embarrassed at how sad and emotional I feel. I'm scared you'll want to comfort me, and I can't handle that."


  1. I really appreciated hearing that you're not worried about what people think anymore. I hope that also means you'll say these types of things when they are in your mind. Certainly there are times when you'll face rejection when you share how you're really feeling, but I think more often, those around you want to help and they just don't know what's going on well enough to lend a hand.

  2. So, for some reason I love this post. I'm not sure what it is exactly, I think it's how much I came to know you in these words that sometimes I don't get. I hope I can be the person that you can always say things too.

  3. I don't have days like this so much anymore. For two reasons: I'm more confident in myself. I know how to push myself through emotions. I know how to comfort myself, take care of myself, love myself. I also have a better sense of who to trust and when to share. I am not afraid of being hurt like I used to be.