There has only been one assignment from therapy that I didn't do. I tried. I went to the massage therapy school on more than one occasion... But I never could go through with it. (I couldn't even go to the place with the CHAIR massagers because it freaked me out so much way back then.)
I did it today. I got a massage.
I went to a professional place - not the school, because I wanted someone who had been doing it for a while who wouldn't freak out if I did. That cost me more money, but I decided it was worth it for a good therapy session.
Trent was awesome. A DUDE. A GUY gave me a massage.
I wore a tanktop and shorts, because that's what *I* was comfortable with.
He asked what I wanted, and at first I was going to say, "Deep tissue". I stopped myself, and instead said, "I have PTSD from sexual trauma." (Deep tissue would have been easier for me to handle - the more painful the better... But it wouldn't have brought the same healing as what happened next.)
He nodded and said, "I know exactly what to do."
He made sure I knew to let him know if at any moment I was overwhelmed, and we'd stop immediately.
He put his hands on my back. I started to cry and shake. He just kept his hands in the same spot until my physical reaction passed. No more shaking or crying. Then he moved to the next spot and we started all over.
There were a few spots that brought very specific memories/thoughts.
One, "Why can't he just love me?" and then after a few seconds, "He does." (don't ask me who he is, I don't know.)
Another, "Please don't hurt me." and then, "I won't." (again I don't know who I is, but I don't need to know.)
There were specific memories that seemed to pass through me in the same easeful way.
I also had the thought at one point, "I can't wait to tell Paul (my old therapist)! He'll be so excited."
It surprised me that my most strong reactions came when he touched my feet. Feet? Why? I don't know. But he did the same thing there as everywhere else.
He ended by massaging my head and neck a bit.
It was not a pleasurable experience, and at the same time... It was perfect. Exactly what I needed.
I'm glad I didn't push myself to go earlier, because by letting myself be ready, it went so much better. If I had forced myself, or white knuckled through it, it just couldn't have been this awesome.