I'm not exactly sure what triggered it... Probably a combination of all of these things:
BJ getting a text from his ex yesterday afternoon that really upset him, and that really upset me. And then he asked, "Why is it that you can feel anger at the way she treats me, but I have never once heard you express anger at Larry?" and I started thinking about it.
Reading SilverRain's blog about healing from Domestic Violence, and feeling both hopeful and sad.
Maybe my own posts from earlier today: Letting it go or Rapists. Or... that facebook just decided to suggest my ex-sister-in-law as a possible friend. Apparently she just friended one of my friends from high school. I have not seen Larry since he went to Texas for a job interview. (While he was there, I told him I wanted a divorce.) Paul (old therapist) once suggested I should look him up. Confront him, but I had no way of contacting him, and no desire to do so. But now I can see pics of him with his current girl... I wonder if he treats her better...
Catching just a few minutes of the movie Uncle Buck. A fifteen year old girl is with her boyfriend. He wants sex. She tells him no, and asks him to stop. He tells her to "just relax. It's okay." which are the very words I heard ALL the time back then... Uncle Buck throws the kid in the trunk of the car, and lets the girl stand over him with an electric drill. She doesn't do anything to him, but the kid knows she COULD, and he apologizes... Not a very real apology, the kind that says, "I'm scared shitless and I'll say anything to get you not to do what I think you're about to do."
Watching Stargate... a scientist has been torturing a girl to get her to tell him what he wants to know. He justifies it. He has no remorse. The agent questioning him says he just wants to beat the shit out of him.
I'm sobbing. SOME PEOPLE NEED THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF THEM.
I'm scared out of my mind. I've never thought that before. I don't want him to hurt, but dammit... I do. He raped me. He took advantage of the fact that I had no boundaries and no ability to tell him no, and he HURT me. And he blamed me for the pain he caused. And then he could just go on with his life... He didn't have to deal with the pain of flashbacks or nightmares... He didn't have to deal with the questions. He didn't have to give up everything in order to heal his life... The only thing he lost was ME, but he got to keep the rest of his life. How is that even fair? And I just want to beat the shit out of him. Or throw him in a trunk, tie him up and stand over him in just such a way that he KNOWS what it feels like to be completely powerless in his own skin.
Ah. Damn. I'm angry. REALLY angry. I hate that.
Only... crying and SAYING I'm angry... I don't feel so angry anymore.
I used to be so afraid of feeling anger. Or feeling violent. But it wasn't so bad... In fact, although those few moments of sobbing was intense, it all moved through me pretty quickly.
Oh, and by the way, today has been exhausting!