When I came downstairs this morning, BJ looked at me and said, "You look different."
At first I thought about how emotionally and physically exhausted I feel, but that's not it. I FEEL different. I haven't talked much about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and it hasn't really been a part of my life for a while. At the same time, I've known there was one more piece.
I called it The Rapist.
It was the part of me that held sexuality, anger, rage, the primal instincts to hunt, an aggressor.
I spent much of my life believing I was an object to serve others. I wasn't even allowed to defend myself against anything. Anger was bad. BAD. BAD. BAD. Only monsters felt angry, and only really big monsters did anything with that anger.
(Once upon a time, I informed BJ that if we were ever attacked by a bear while we were riding, I would let the bear kill me, because I didn't want to hurt it. He asked if I would hurt the bear to save him, and my answer was, "No. I'll just get the bear to eat me, so you can get away.")
I learned it was okay to feel anger, because that helped to keep me safe. I learned it was okay to defend myself... but my defenses were mostly to avoid and to hide. Those defenses are good defenses. (Especially since I'm small. It would be darn right silly for me to try to take on a bear.) I still was not allowed to even think about anything besides defending myself. There was also a part of me always waiting for the other person to act before I could decide how I would act.
Something in me has changed once again. It is okay to go on the offense sometimes. It is okay to make a choice and act on what I want. I am still not a violent person. Can't even imagine hitting another person... or an animal.. maybe a tennis racket to a couch cushion :) sometimes. I will never try to hurt someone else. I hope I will always be aware of how I am affecting others, but... It is okay that I feel angry. It is okay that I feel violent. It is okay to want. To go after what I want. To hunt. I am a wild woman, and I don't have to pretend that I am not.
I'm having a hard time using my words...Something is just different. I'm more whole. All of the pieces that used to be broken apart are now together as one person.
I'm whole. I own every part of me.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Complete: I own all of me.
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I was just writing about the same things on my journal. >.> I feel like I'm a trauma split because of abuse, and I've been trying to reconcile my two halves.ReplyDelete
I don't feel like we can completely be whole, but I'm not sure we want to be. There are a lot of people called "multiples" and "medians," who acknowledge their "headmates" and are okay with sharing one body. So instead of trying to integrate, we're trying to accept each other and work through our issues together.
I'd already faced a lot of mine, but she had some work to do on it.
Um ... I just wanted to add that I'm glad you are having these breakthroughs. ._. I've been watching over the past few days, and it's awesome.ReplyDelete
I wanted to integrate, but I do see the benefit of not... I can't multi-task like I used to. I need more sleep than I used to need.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing your journal with me. You have written some amazingly insightful things.
And thank you - it has been an intense couple of days.
You are so incredible. I'm so happy for you!ReplyDelete