Thursday, July 30, 2009

Jen, you're healing!

Today was a session with Paul. He has been in Europe for two weeks, and it amazed me how much I missed him. A LOT!

So, I got into session and I just started talking, really fast, and I got frustrated when he would interject anything. My personal favorite of the day, I was telling him about Relief Society on Sunday.
Relief Society has been very difficult for a very long time. Part of the problem being that these women start talking about their "trials", and these trials are well... umm... for example. Sunday, one sister talked about how the hardest thing she has ever gone through was when her husband left to go to work out of town for three weeks. I understand that is not easy, however, I just know I spent six months living at CFC, and then when I got out, the next week Dann left for California for three months, and then he got back and I went to live at the Johnson's house for five months, and then I got an apartment of my own. So, being away from Dann is hard, and I wish it was different... that is the least of my worries right now.

Going back to Relief Society. On Sunday, I went through that yucky place where everyone talks about how we shouldn't feel angry or upset when we go through trials, we should be grateful. I agree with the principle of gratitude - I do not agree with anything they said.

In the middle of the lesson though, I was struck with the feeling that I wanted to share with these women the amazing miracles I have experienced, the things that have happened in my life that have changed me forever because of these trials. And then I realized, I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted them to know, they wouldn't be able to understand. They can't understand the depth of the miraculous, because they can't understand the depths of the sorrow.

And then, I felt sorry for them. Sorry that they can't know the Savior like I know Him. They are missing the amazing miracles that happen everyday, because they have not had to face... hell.
I told that to Paul, and his comment, "Wow Jen, you are healing! That is an amazing step you just made... and you don't even see it!"

Its true. I don't even see it. I didn't think it was amazing at all... it was just... what I felt. I didn't have to work for THAT particular degree of progress. I have just been working my ass off for a long time, and now things are flowing and changing while I just sit here.

(That particular moment was fleeting, because then someone else started talking, and I was angry again. Angry that she didn't understand how much it hurt to have the scriptures used against you, to feel so selfish for wanting to not be hurt, and I wished people could understand... And I started to shake and cry, and I was so frustrated with myself. The nice thing about telling it to Paul - he could see that moment as amazing progress, and it didn't matter to him that I immediately was angry and upset again. He thinks that is a good thing too... silly Paul!)


  1. Firstly, I can totally hear your voice and see you say "Silly Paul" right now. Love that...

    "I didn't think it was amazing at all... it was just... what I felt."- This is exactly was Paul was right. This is what makes it true healing. That the changes are sticking at a core level, that they have just become a part of who you are. That is amazing Jen. I heart you!

  2. I agree. That's a huge step. And it's awesome to know that you really are experiencing miracles.

    Sometimes it is frustrating to hear how shallow other people's experiences seem. I sometimes think about how shallow any of my trials must seem to our Savior. He saw the most wickedness and evil that humanity had to offer. But He continues to love little old me anyway. You experienced a moment where you really became like Christ. You had the compassion and love that he would have if he were sitting in your place.

    That is more than a minor break through. That is a giant leap towards the ultimate goal of becoming like our Savior.