Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Facing Fear

I laid down. I turned on the holosync to try to relax.

It took about 30 seconds for me to be overcome with the sadness, the fear, the pain of the memories of Larry. I didn't try to hold back at all. I felt like I needed to cry about it, and I was ready to go through all that I needed to go through.

Bishop Johnson heard my cries, and came to check on me. When I calmed down a little, I told him I needed to go through this on my own. He can't keep rushing in to rescue me. At the same time that I knew I needed to go through it on my own - I didn't want to.

He said because he cared, he would leave.

Fear took over. I was stuck helpless and filled with panic. It was the same flashback I had been experiencing just a few minutes earlier only it was completely out of my control. Where just moments before I was willing to let myself cry and go through what I needed to. Now I had no choice.

He looked helpless for a moment, and then asked me if I was grounded. As my mind tried to figure out what he meant - I remembered Amanda's suggestions. I began moving my hands and my feet. I felt his hands and knew I was here in this house. I was safe. I was strong.

I let go of my death grip on his hands and let him go. Whatever I need to go through, I can go through it. I feel safe and comforted knowing he is just in the other room, but I don't need him here with me.

As soon as I had something to DO, I was able to take back control. But in the absence of an action, Fear took over. I was helpless against it. I am still a little nervous about being alone. I would much rather stay up and talk than sleep, but I am not going to die if I lay in this bed by myself. Fear would have me believe that I wouldn't survive alone.

He said he wasn't sure if he should have come in or not. Generally speaking, I would say, let me ask for help. Wait until I come to you. However, I did learn a little bit about myself and Fear tonight. I also feel stronger knowing that I told him what I needed, and then I chose to let him go. I knew it would be hard, and I knew it would be okay. I am grateful for the experience I just had. So, I trust that whatever you choose will work for my good.

I feel trusting. I feel strong. I feel alive!

1 comment:

  1. I think it's huge that you're learning what you need and when to ask for it. That is an important lesson to learn.