Monday, April 13, 2009

Testing you... do you really trust me?

Today has been a crazy hard day all day. I have felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to get away from BJ - I never wanted to see him again. I wanted to give him what he wanted (which was for me to disappear). At the same time, I felt like I couldn't.

I left and went for a walk. I walked for two hours. I skipped lunch.

He said he would trust me. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was testing his limits. How much would he really trust me? Would he really let me do what I wanted to do? Or would he force me to eat?

When he asked me to eat lunch - I just wanted to scream at him, "My body! My choice!"

I was too scared to. I was afraid he would tell me to go away forever. Instead, I ate.

I recognize eating is a good thing, and in some ways I did feel better after. In others, I felt like I had given in to him. I had let him take control of me. I felt like I had given up what I wanted for what he wanted. I felt used and frustrated. I wanted to scream at him, but instead, I sat there peacefully having a conversation about whatever we talked about...

1 comment:

  1. I hope you can gain the trust you seek for in those around you. I also hope you can feel that you can trust those around you as well.