Today has been a crazy hard day all day. I have felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to get away from BJ - I never wanted to see him again. I wanted to give him what he wanted (which was for me to disappear). At the same time, I felt like I couldn't.
I left and went for a walk. I walked for two hours. I skipped lunch.
He said he would trust me. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was testing his limits. How much would he really trust me? Would he really let me do what I wanted to do? Or would he force me to eat?
When he asked me to eat lunch - I just wanted to scream at him, "My body! My choice!"
I was too scared to. I was afraid he would tell me to go away forever. Instead, I ate.
I recognize eating is a good thing, and in some ways I did feel better after. In others, I felt like I had given in to him. I had let him take control of me. I felt like I had given up what I wanted for what he wanted. I felt used and frustrated. I wanted to scream at him, but instead, I sat there peacefully having a conversation about whatever we talked about...