Monday, May 4, 2009

Progress... its slow, but it is happening

This morning, I was thinking about progress, and more specifically the progress I have made. It was only a few weeks ago that I couldn't even sleep in the bed with blankets over me. Then, one day, I got sick of the sleeping bag and slept with a blanket. I have never even thought about going back to the sleeping bag. The blanket is better - its more comfortable, its not as noisy, I feel more normal.

Before that, I could have slept with a blanket, but it made me more anxious. It was harder to try to get to sleep. By not forcing myself to do what I thought I should do, the change just happened.

I know I am progressing and changing everyday. I just want it to be faster. It would be so much easier on everyone else if I could just get through this and over all of this crap already. And, come to think of it, it would be easier on me too.

The other thought that I keep having is from Richard G. Scott's talk, Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse.
Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted.
I am grateful for every improvement.
I am grateful that I no longer feel the need to sleep with a sleeping bag.
I am grateful that I sleep better when I am at the Johnson's home.
I am grateful the eating disorder urges are not as strong as they used to be.
I am grateful there are times I want to be at home with Dann.
I am grateful that I am sitting at my computer typing anything with Lee and Jordon behind me.
I am grateful that I sleep at all.
I am grateful that Thursday I went riding and for a while only thought about riding.
I am grateful I was able to just relax and feel peaceful for an hour on the mountain.
I am grateful that Bishop Johnson can hold my hands and it doesn't cause the sexual reaction as much, and I don't have to concentrate like I used to.
I am grateful for the moments I am able to think through the fears and pull myself back to reality.
I am grateful that I can cry now.
I am grateful that I can go to sacrament meeting with less anxiety.
I am grateful that I can meet with Bishop Campbell without freaking out like I did with Bishop Johnson at first.
I am grateful I have a better understanding than I ever have before.
I am grateful that flashbacks were different.
I am grateful I don't feel as panicked and like I have to run from the Johnson's home.
I am grateful I can see four or five days into the future now - it used to be that I couldn't think about two hours.
I am grateful that I can go all night without asking for help from Bishop Johnson or anyone else.
I am grateful that cutting and pills are not on my mind all of the time.
I am grateful that although I felt like purging this morning, I didn't.
I am grateful that even the worst eating disorder days (say Sat.) are nothing compared to what they used to be.
I am grateful that I am more honest than I have ever been in my life about my feelings, my frustrations, my thoughts, everything.
I am grateful that I know better what I want. I am grateful I can guide Paul in therapy, and that I think clearly enough to help him know how to help me. I am grateful that it hurts right now, because I used to be so numb I couldn't feel pain.
I am grateful that I am able to see the beauty of art and music (This is new.)
I am grateful I can sing, laugh out loud, use my voice without hating myself.
I am grateful I parked closer to my building than I used to, and it was ok.
I am grateful that I can feel frustrated and angry rather than just accepting what people say and do.
I am grateful that I have questions.
I am grateful that I have been able to share my struggles with my friends from CFC.
I am grateful that I woke up feeling rested yesterday.
I am grateful that I woke up and felt the sunshine this morning.

I am grateful for every degree of progress. This list is not complete...I have been incredibly blessed on this journey.

1 comment:

  1. It's good to know there is progress. The slowness can be frustrating but I'm glad it's coming, regardless of the pace.