Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tao of Equus - The Story of Joy continued

"This morning, I happened upon the most extreme case of abuse and neglect I 've seen in a long time. Can you believe it? The poor creature was in an absolute panic as her owner continued to drag her into a situation she objected to with every fiber of her being, a situation I know she barely escaped once before. Her whole body was shaking with fear and with the anger of having her basic needs so grossly neglected and ignored that I was tempted to call the humane society. But then again the humane society has no jurisdiction over the human soul.
I'm talking about you, Joy. Your conscious identity's treatment of the graceful, sensitive and gifted being inside is absolutely no different than the Noche's abusive former owner treated him. Imagine someone bullying that wonderful, intelligent creature who just taught you more about yourself than any counselor could. Imagine someone bashing him over the head with a two-by-four and calling him stupid.
You beat yourself up in the same way all the time, and you let others join in. Do you really think I should tolerate this kind of violence and neglect from you when I would never stand by and watch someone torturing a horse. The anger and panic coming from your body were so powerful I felt like I was being suffocated and beaten from the inside out. Emotions this strong can't be revolved through suppression or expression. The behavior that generates them must change.
You have to capacity to become an empathic healer, whether or not you choose to use it in any formal way. But you can't help other people by feeling sorry for them and indulging them at your own expense. You will only kill the gifted part of yourself through the neglect and abuse you constantly inflict on yourself. Please, listen to your body, your emotions, and your soul - and not the twisted conditioning that's become your conscious mind. Your very survival depends on you actually making an effort to change, not just talk about it while you ignore or wallow in strong emotions you aren't truly listening to.
Like most aggressive people, you were taught to be that way. You just deflected it onto yourself to avoid hurting others. Your heart is already in the right place. A shift in perception is what you need. When you find yourself in a volatile situation, become the horse. Scan the landscape around you without judging or idealizing others. Feel the rivers of physical, emotional and intuitive knowledge rise up to the surface. Let the wild, sensitive, strong yet gentle force of your soul lead the way now and then.
The woman who respects and listens to the wisdom of the prey, cannot possibly abuse herself or anyone else, and it will become a lot more difficult for others to victimize her as well."
There was so much wisdom in all of that - I felt like she was talking to me rather than to Joy.

I have forced myself to do so many things that my heart, body, soul did not want to do. There was so much inside of me that disagreed, but I did it anyways because I was supposed to. I wish I had thought of it this way before.

I have abused myself horribly. I have denied myself love, compassion, food, rest, everything that a person needs to just survive. I have beat myself both emotionally and physically. I am far more abusive than anyone I have ever known. I would not sit by and let someone treat a horse, or any other animal, the way I treat myself. It would anger and sicken me to see someone abusing another the way I abuse myself.

The final lines about listening to the wisdom of the prey really got to me though. In my mind, I thought that if I listened to that voice inside trying to protect me, I was a victim. I was being silly. I wasn't fitting in with what society would want me to do. I am showing emotions that aren't okay to show, and definitely aren't okay to give in to.

I know I am growing stronger and gaining more clarity everyday. I can be trusted more and more. That is exciting.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's common for people to mistreat themselves, to beat themselves up or use negative self talk. I guess it's important to learn to love ourselves. Even when we have done something wrong it's important to forgive ourselves.

    You are a daughter of God. When you feel down on yourself, try to see yourself as He sees you.