Today, I got to see a friend of mine practice extreme self-care. He came back from therapy, and had just had his world rocked. I have had many sessions like that. You can't explain it to someone who hasn't been through it.
I have felt dizzy, sick, nauseous, confused, but that doesn't really even begin to explain what it feels like to try and work through old emotions from old trauma. My friend talked about his session, about what he was feeling. Then he said, "I could probably push this aside, but I don't think that's what I need to do." He was right.
He got a blanket and a pillow and went and laid down. He let me go pick up lunch for him.
I struggle with simple self-care. To recover, really recover, from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I have to practice extreme self-care. I have been doing this a little, but I beat myself up for doing it. I am ashamed to lay down in the middle of the day. I feel so much guilt for not pushing it aside or just pushing through it.
Instead, I want to be grateful for the opportunity I have to take extra special care of myself right now. I can rest whenever I need. I can do things that are relaxing and that I enjoy. I can let others help me out. Now is the time to take care of me.
And for anyone going through this process, take extra special care of yourself. Recovery from trauma is incredibly hard, exhausting work. People who haven't been through it, won't understand, but who cares? I am fighting for my life, and I deserve extra special care from ME right now.
Unfortunately, this is all a jumbled mess at the moment. I wish I could express myself better... I just know that its okay to take care of myself, and taking care of myself means giving myself a lot more than I have ever given to me in the past.