I am trying to figure out boundaries. I am trying to figure out what is okay to say, and what is not. In the past, I never let myself WANT anything. And I would NEVER share what I did want with anyone else. I felt like I was hurting someone if I got what I want. It has always felt like it is either me or them, and I would rather let them have what they want... Only, really, I HATE THAT!
I think it has to be okay for me to share what I want, to share my emotions, to hope for things, and to ask for what I want from others. I believe it is less manipulate to be direct, but then if someone feels manipulated because I told them what I wanted...
Today I asked, and was told "no," and it was actually a relief.
He just taught me that I could be honest about my wants. He just taught me that I could be assertive and ask to get my needs met. He just taught me that I could take care of myself through his example. He just taught me that although being assertive may not get me everything I want, it will feel better than NOT asking. He just showed me he could take care of himself. He just showed me that he would be honest with me, even when it was really hard. He just taught me what REAL love is like.
Love is generous and kind. Love is not self-sacrifice. Love brings hope. Love does not make us feel trapped. Love makes us better people. Love is charity: pure, honest, and simple. Christ is full of charity - He does not give us everything we want, or everything we ask for. I can't know what is best for everyone else, but I have to trust that if I take care of myself and do what I feel is right, He will take care of everyone and everything else.
Its funny, I have told others that if their needs are not being met, they need to ask for help. I have also told people that they have the right to say no to any request, at any time, and for any reason. I just saw firsthand what that looks like, how it feels, and it actually works. I don't know how he's doing. I know if he's anything like me, he probably feels pretty guilty. I hope not... I hope he understands how AWESOME this is.
Its hard to explain all of the things I just learned from being told no.