I met with Espra. It was so good to see her again. She makes me smile. She is so... herself... which just feels good to be around. I also missed the way she makes me laugh at myself and at the crazy life I live. There are not many people in the world that can make me feel loved, show me the crap I have been through is really crappy, and have me laughing all at the same time. She did it.
As for EMDR, her training is for simple trauma only. Apparently, I have experienced complex trauma. My question to her, "What the hell does that MEAN?" Simple trauma is a single event. Complex trauma was ongoing for months or years, and/or several different events. Unfortunately, that describes my life.
She wasn't sure EMDR could be used to help complex trauma at all, but she gave me the name and number of a guy in Salt Lake. He has been using EMDR in treating trauma for the past eight years. I'm not sure I can do that kind of therapy with a dude, and especially one I have never met. I was excited at the prospect of working with someone I know and trust. Bummer...
My first reaction was, "I am too damn screwed up. No one can help me. There is no hope," but that didn't last long. Its still disappointing, but okay... I'm not sure what I'm going to try next. Call the dude? Stick with Paul? Try DBT again? Possibly EAP?? I need a minute to breath before I make any decisions.
The worst part of today? She reminded me that my life is abnormal... Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child, sexual assault as a teenager, sexual, physical and emotional abuse as an adult... and all of that is very... complex.