Monday, February 2, 2009

Do you know what its like...

... to know exactly what you need to do to feel better, and yet you just can't do it?

I know if I just eat, I will feel better. At this moment, I feel weak, shaky, dizzy, nauseous. I know that if I just drink some of this drink sitting next to me, I will feel better. It will come almost immediately... But I don't want to feel better. I don't deserve to feel better. I just want to give up.

The thought of Moses and the people looking up to the serpent came to mind. So many of them didn't look. We don't know why they didn't look. Maybe they didn't feel like they deserved it. Maybe they wanted someone to do it for them. Maybe they didn't really believe it would work, and didn't want to make the effort if it wasn't going to work. Maybe they were so tired, they didn't really want to get better.

I know it probably doesn't matter why they didn't look. They died because they wouldn't do it. I guess Satan won. I want to be better than that, stronger than that, and I don't want him to win.

Please, just don't make me do this. Let me give up. Let my body collapse to the ground. Let me rest, and don't make me fight anymore.

I know that so many people would think that this is simple... not hard... like looking to a serpent on a staff. I want to agree with them. I know it should be so simple, and yet it is so difficult.

Please, if I have to keep going, give me strength. I don't have any strength of my own left.


  1. I've always been fascinated by that story in the Bible. I always thought, "It's so easy, why not just try it?" But like you said, there are so many reasons not to look. I always figured either they didn't believe it would work or they didn't want others who didn't believe to see them look and they didn't want to be mocked.

    I think one of Satan's lies that I have certainly felt before is that we are not worthy of whatever it is we need. When we need a blessing we don't feel worthy to ask for one. When we need love we don't feel like we deserve it. When we just need the spirit we don't feel worthy to pray.

    I hope you know you're worthy of everything you need. You're even worthy of many things you don't need. Sometimes it's okay to indulge in some wants as well.

  2. I have that same feeling all the time. For me though, it's just seems that if I stop trying either way I can finally find the energy to become the person that will finally feel good about who they are. Yet everytime I stop trying I get so much more tired and anxious and stressed that I just can't do it even more.