Sunday, February 1, 2009

Effects of abuse

This is some of the crap that I wasn't sure if I should share. However, since I have met so many people who suffer many of these same effects, I thought it might help them to know they are not alone. Also, maybe it will help those who have never been through sexual abuse understand how it can affect the lives of its victims. It has invaded every area of my entire life.
  • I feel like I can't get clean - I feel dirty all the time.
  • I can't sleep without a blanket, but I can't have it covering me completely. I have to stick my feet out, so I don't feel trapped. I can't handle another person under the blanket with me.
  • I have night terrors and nightmares almost every night.
  • I am hyper alert. Especially with men - I am aware of where they are, and what they are doing even if I can't see them.
  • I hate closing my eyes when I am around other people. I feel panicked when I do.
  • I can't sleep next to my husband. I feel panicked and afraid.
  • I hate to be hugged - I feel trapped.
  • It is painful to be touched. It feels like electric shocks running through my whole body.
  • All touch is a sexual experience. My body reacts as if I am having sex even if someone just shakes my hand.
  • I hate people to touch my bare arms!! or my neck! But at the same time, I want to be touched there. I just feel panicked and guilty when they do.
  • I am afraid of the dark.
  • I have chronically low blood pressure, and I am dizzy all the time.
  • I have headaches, sore muscles, and migraines all the time.
  • I clench my jaw in my sleep, so that is constantly sore.
  • It hurts "down there" all the time. It is a constant pain that sometimes grows so intense and spreads through my whole body - I would rather die than endure it a second longer.
  • I feel like others will think I am dirty if I spread my legs even the slightest bit. I sit with my legs crossed all the time. When I'm with any man, I instinctively clench my legs together tightly. I can never clench them tight enough though.
  • I still can't lay flat without sending me into a panic attack.
  • I never had an orgasm. At least - not that I know of.
  • I have never enjoyed sex, yet I think about it and want it most of the time.
  • I feel like I don't deserve anything: money, food, love, help, comfort, peace, nothing good.
  • Sometimes when my husband is nice to me - it is harder to accept than if he was beating or raping me. I feel like I don't deserve him to treat me nicely.
  • I have been unaware of any physical needs. I didn't feel hungry, I didn't feel pain. Even when I was really sick, I didn't know it, because I had to ignore all physical sensations just to get through the day.
  • I am really good at reading other people. I can tell when they are hiding things or holding back from me. I usually think they hate me, think I am disgusting, or they want to hurt me if they hide things from me.
  • I hate the penis! I think it is the most disgusting thing on the planet.
  • I have fantasies of being raped. The closest I have come to enjoying sex is when my husband takes total control and I feel like I am being raped. At the same time, that freaks me out, and makes me hate him... poor guy can't win!
  • I shut down when other people get the slightest bit upset. Even if they don't say or do anything - if I think they might be upset, I withdraw into my own head. I can't even think.
  • I hate going home!
  • I like to push my body to extremes. I like to see how long I can go without food, water, sleep, and I like to see how long I can handle extreme cold, over-exercising, or taking too many meds.
  • I hate wearing skirts - I feel too vulnerable in them.
  • I feel like I can't say no to anyone for any reason.
  • I feel guilty for EVERYTHING!!! I blame myself for every problem that everyone experiences.
  • I struggle to trust other people.
  • I hate being around other women.
  • I have lesbian fantasies, and I feel drawn to porn.
  • I feel angry, anxious and depressed more often than I feel any other emotions.
  • I don't know what it feels like to be relaxed and calm.
  • I am very good at hiding my emotions, I can smile and laugh while in intense pain. Most people never know that I am hurting, angry or anxious. I am grateful for that, and I hate it at the same time.
  • I am aware of other people's pain.
  • I am more compassionate and empathetic.
  • I have a very close relationship to my Father in Heaven that many people can't begin to understand.
  • I can feel angels and demons around me. I feel things that other people don't feel.
  • I am afraid to cry. I am afraid to feel angry. I am afraid to feel any feelings. I am even more afraid to express feelings, but not expressing them is also hell.
  • I hate church. Many of the teachings sound just like things I heard from Larry and Johnny to justify what they were doing.
  • I feel like I have to fight so hard to do the simplest, smallest tasks. I wonder if it is just as hard for other people, or if its just me.
  • I hear the word, "Relax" and I want to scream.
  • I get anxious having a blanket over me. I won't sit under the same blanket with anyone else.
  • I have to be able to see other people's hands, or I feel very anxious.
  • I am always assessing the risk of every situation I find myself in and I plan out in my head within the first few minutes how I would get out of the situation if need be.
  • I find myself crying and panicking with no known reason.
  • There is a constant ache in my chest. It feels like if I could just cry hard enough or scream loud enough - it would stop hurting me.
  • I have flashbacks of horrible things whenever I close my eyes.
  • I can't stand watching sex, kissing, affection on TV, but yet I am drawn to it at the same time. I want to see and read about other people's abuse. It makes what I went through seem more normal, and I can dismiss it.
  • I hate violence on tv and movies, and feel panicked watching it.
  • I hate sitting still - I feel like something is going to get me if I am just sitting there.
  • I hate sitting still - I feel like I don't deserve it.
  • I feel like I should hide myself from the world - no one should see me or know me - they would be disgusted.
  • I constantly feel like I have to repent, but I don't know what I have to repent for.
  • I have always believed life was pain and suffering. I can't imagine anything else.
  • I think about death and suicide constantly.
  • I have cut, bruised, and hurt myself many times, and I feel the urge to do so almost all the time.
  • The smell of saliva makes me nauseous.
  • I can't sleep unless I have my bra on, and I prefer extra-padded bras... partially because of the looks, but more I feel protected.
  • I don't look at people in public... as though if I can't see them they can't see me.
  • I HATE people walking behind me. I feel uncomfortable and anxious. I fear I am walking wrong, and they will criticize me, but more I just hate not being able to see them.
  • I have a hard time concentrating.
  • I don't like talking to people on the phone, because I can't see their face to know what they are thinking. I feel the same about email, chat, text, etc.
  • Have to be in the "know" about things, cannot stand secrets being kept from me. I HATE surprises.
  • I can't stand it when my mom talks in a serious tone with me. I also hate it when she cries, not because it makes me sad, but it makes me intensely uncomfortable.
  • When women cry or are upset - I shut down. I have no emotions, and sometimes feel no empathy. I feel like I should make them feel better. I usually also feel angry at them.
  • When men get angry - I shut down. I try to do everything I can to disappear, so they won't get angry at me.
  • I have always believed I would die young. Even if I wasn't suicidal... I just have always thought I wouldn't live until next year. (Whenever "next year" is.)

3 comments:

  1. I don't know if I really have a response. I think it definitely helps me to understand where you're coming from. Some of these are things I can understand and relate to. Many of them are very foreign to me. I hope that healing will remove some of the more painful things in this list.

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  2. There are WAY too many similarities here...

    But can I get an "Amen Sista" on the penis thing. It's the WORST thing ever to be invented. Bad, bad penises!!!

    I feel for you so much when I read through your struggles. I know this was a couple of years ago, and I hope things have improved, but just know that I can relate to MUCH of what you've written in this post. Unfortunately.

    Hang in there!!

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  3. It's amazing to go back and read this... and see how far I have come. Some of this still effects me (affects me?? I don't know which it is...)

    Most of it, is just gone... YES!!!!

    I'm so sorry you can relate. I hope things continue to get better for you too.

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